D3: The Mighty Ducks, DUI Buddies, & Bulls In Four
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Monday, April 4, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend

The Main Event
No. 2 Villanova and No. 1 North Carolina scored big victories in the Final Four over the weekend, and will face off tonight in the NCAA men's basketball national championship game.

The coach of the year got the better of the player of the year this weekend. Like, way better. Oklahoma Sooners guard, and Naismith Player of the Year winner, Buddy Hield had his pants around his ankles and thumb in his mouth during the Sooners' 95-51 loss to Villanova (yes, you read those numbers correctly), scoring just nine points, including one three-pointer on eight attempts. The 44-point loss was the worst ever in Final Four history. In fact, no No.1 or No. 2 seed had ever lost a tournament game by 27 points. Oklahoma lost by 44. Credit goes to Naismith Coach of the Year, Villanova's Jay Wright who, unlike Buddy Hield, validated his award on Saturday with a clutch performance.

Oklahoma's public neutering made Syracuse's 83-66 loss to North Carolina seem slightly less hilarious. After pointing and laughing at Oklahoma for two hours, we were too worn out to give Syracuse a hard time for getting shellacked by UNC. Remember to thank Oklahoma, Syracuse, for giving you this "get out of jail free card" that saved you from our mockery.

UNC, who's favored by 2 points, wins the whole thing tonight, making Oklahoma feel like even bigger dirtbags for suffering the biggest loss in semifinal history to the runner up.

Good Sport
Try Again
If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try (x7) again. After posting a career 0-21 record at Martinsville Speedway, NASCAR driver Kyle Busch finally pulled his head out of his ass with a dominating win (he led for 352 of 500 laps) at the STP 500 yesterday. He also won the Alpha Energy Solutions 250 truck race on Saturday, which he led for 123 of 255 laps.

I'm In Miami, Bitch
Belarusian tennis player Victoria Azarenka won back-to-back WTA (Women's Tennis Association) titles by beating Svetlana Kuznetsova in the women's final at the Miami Open. Meanwhile, World No. 1 men's player, and recently discovered misogynist, Novak Djokovic won his sixth Miami Open title (and third in a row) with a win over Kei Nishikori.

Bad Sport
What The Hell, Eh?
Canada's bread and butter is now our bread and butter. For the first time in 46 years, all seven Canadian hockey teams in the NHL have been eliminated from postseason play, making America vastly superior at a sport birthed in the syrupy confines of our neighbors to the north. We just hope Canadian animosity towards the States for their success in hockey doesn't boil over into war. We don't want to see a repeat of the great American-Canadian War, which infamously killed over 8 million people.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Blackhawk Boys. Chicago Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville got his 800th career win thanks to right winger Patrick Kane, who scored a hat trick in the Hawks' 6-4 win over the Boston Bruins yesterday, which also gave Kane 100 points on the season. The last time another American-born player scored 100 points in a season, Kane was watching D3: The Mighty Ducks on VHS in his Power Ranger jammies (Doug Weight, 1996).

Honorable Mention: University of Michigan softball coach Carol Hutchins recorded her 1,458th career win when the Wolverines beat Indiana 8-0 on Saturday, giving Hutchins the NCAA record for most wins all-time.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Abby Wambach. The legendary U.S. women's soccer player was arrested on Saturday night for DUI. Some good came out of it though, as men's soccer player Jozy Altidore was able to use Wambach's lowest moment as a springboard for Twitter material. In response to the news, Altidore wrote, "should've used one of the team vans. Lol." There was also an Amtrak derailment that killed two people this weekend, if you were looking for any jumping off points for train jokes, Jozy.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Speaking of drinking and driving, former NFLer Troy Smith was so wasted when he was pulled over this weekend he told a cop he graduated with a "degree in bachelors." It goes without saying he was totally arrested for DUI.

Quote of the Weekend
"Bulls in four." - Scottie Pippen

Michael Jordan's plucky sidekick from the 1995-96, 72-win Chicago Bulls team displayed aggressive confidence by saying his Bulls would sweep the 2016 Golden State Warriors in a seven-game series. Pippen enacted the Jozy Altidore "kick 'em while they're down strategy," making the comment after the Warriors lost 109-106 to the Boston Celtics on Friday, snapping a 54-game home win streak. We wonder if Pippen still would have been stroking himself had he known the Warriors would become the first team in NBA history to make 1,000 3-pointers in a season just two days later.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Astros at Yankees - 1pm on ESPN; Mariners at Rangers - 4pm on ESPN; Dodgers at Padres - 7pm on ESPN; Cubs at Angels - 10pm on ESPN2
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. NCAA Championship - Villanova vs. North Carolina - 9pm on TBS
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