London Calling, No Fun League, & Breakfast Boozing.
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Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Quick Hits

The Main Event
“We love you, London, but go f*ck yourself” – NFL

The NFL apparently has a love-hate relationship with London. Despite an unwavering and sometimes aggressive commitment to increase the game’s presence in Britain, including talk of a London-based franchise (hence aggressive), the league continues to serve international fans unwatchable, dogshit matchups. Per example, the 2017 slate has been released:

Week 3: Ravens-Jaguars (Wembley Stadium)
Week 4: Saints-Dolphins (Wembley Stadium)
Week 7: Vikings-Browns (Twickenham Stadium)
Week 8: Cardinals-Rams (Twickenham Stadium)

We’ll give you a moment to collect yourself as you’ve undoubtedly vomited in your mouth. Each one of these games is abhorrently offensive on one level or another. Ravens-Jags is blowout city, Saints-Dolphins is a “who gives a shit” battle of mediocrity between two teams destined to be 7-9 (at best) next year, Vikings-Browns features the worst team in the NFL, and Cardinals-Rams features the second-worst team in the NFL (record be damned, we stand firm that the Rams are the second-biggest pile of shit behind the Browns). So why give London table scraps? Because these games sell out in a heartbeat. Apparently, you can only watch so many 0-0 soccer draws before you’re willing to piss away hundreds of dollars on watching the Browns’ annual campaign for the number one pick in the draft. Not to mention NFL commissioner Roger Goodell would sooner feed a small child to an industrial meat grinder than give up ratings gold (let’s say Pats-Seahawks). With that considered, you can expect the NFL to keep shaking London’s hand despite having not whipped after a fresh dump.

Moving the games to a 1PM ET start time won’t get us to watch this trash. Sorry, Roger.

Good Sport
Why Can't We Be Friends?
In a surprising show of sportsmanship, Cincinnati Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict, a notoriously dirty player, apologized to Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Antonio Brown for nearly removing his head in a playoff game this past January. So, is it all water under the bridge? Not for Steelers and Bengals fans, some of whom were featured in a video insulting each other. Describing the Steelers' Terrible Towel as "pee-yellow" and making fun of Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton's fire-red hair were some of the more colorful slights of the many. The rivalry will be renewed this Sunday when the teams face off in Cincinnati.

Bad Sport
MLB Becoming The N.F.L.
The NFL may own the unofficial acronym of the "No Fun League," but Major League Baseball is hot on its tail. MLB has banned teams from hazing players by having them dress up in women's costumes, because this entire goddamn country is in the midst of sensitivity training. It's been a few days since we've had some hate mail, so feel free:

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
Do you like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food? Of course you do, who the hell doesn’t? This week’s booze selection delivers on half of the aforementioned equation to greatness because it’s loaded with maple syrupy goodness. Introducing; The Maple Leaf.
“Good Old Sport, I love syrup on my Eggos in the morning, but it doesn’t get me drunk. Can you help?” Don’t worry, friend, we got you. To recreate that breakfast taste you love while taking the edge off before a long day at the office, combine 2 ounces of rye whiskey, 3/4 ounce lemon juice, 1/2 ounce each of maple syrup and amaro liqueur, with 2 dashes of bitters in a cocktail shaker. Do what you do with cocktail shakers, then pour over a fat ice cube in an Old Fashioned glass and garnish with a lemon peel. Once you’ve guzzled down this sweet treat, don’t be surprised if you get the attention of that hot brunette you’ve had your eye on at work when she catches that irresistible scent of brown liquor and xylem sap emanating from your pores.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Pacers at Heat - 4pm on ESPN; Celtics at Spurs - 6:30pm on ESPN
NHL. Bruins at Penguins - 4:30pm on NBC Sports; Flyers at Avalanche - 7pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Illinois (Chicago) at DePaul - 5pm on Fox Sports 1
SOCCER. Premier League: Crystal Palace vs. Manchester United - 11:55am on NBC Sports
Link of the Day: President-elect Donald Trump met with 2020 Presidential candidate Kanye West yesterday.
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