Bacon Boy, Juicegate, & Johnny Shots.
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Thursday, January 28, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Bacon Boy. Watch as rapper Vince Staples delivers hilarious reviews of NBA players' clothes. Our favorite evaluation was Staples' assessment of Oklahoma City Thunder star Kevin Durant, who Staples called, "the coolest kid at the mosque. Dad's runnin' shit... you ate bacon once or twice, so you know what it's like." The jab at Jeremy Lin's "Pokémon Spike" hair lands too.
  • Highest Bidder. The New York Red Bulls sold defender Matt Miazga, which apparently teams can do in soccer, to Chelsea of the English Premier League. Major League Soccer just got another washed-up European soccer player (Ashley Cole), so we're doing just fine on this side of the pond too.
  • Stick To The Hits. Boxer Tyson Fury won't be punished for making homophobic and sexist comments in the media because the British Boxing Board of Control determined Fury is protected by his "basic human rights" (freedom of speech). Unfortunately, being an asshole still isn't a punishable crime.
  • Juicegate. The NFL will investigate Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning's alleged use of HGH (Human Growth Hormone) while recovering from neck surgery. Let's be honest, with a melon that big, anyone would need a little help holding it up.
  • Braided Bronson. Bronson Arroyo, our favorite ultra-white, cornrow-haired pitcher, signed a minor league deal with the Washington Nationals. Arroyo will earn $2 million if he makes the team, and another $8 million if winds up in the Nats' rotation. Now that's a lot of snap bead money.
  • Déjà Vu. Full-time raging alcoholic, and part-time Cleveland Browns quarterback, Johnny Manziel, has once again made headlines with his partying. The future cirrhosis victim was seen sucking down shots at a Dallas bar during the AFC Championship game. Manziel, who's been scolded 127,746 times by the Browns for his drinking, likely knows he's on his way out, and has clearly developed a "f*ck it" mentality. A desired trait among all NFL quarterbacks.
On our Instagram: Australian rugby player Mitchell Pearce drunkenly dry-humped a dog, and is now in deep doo-doo.

The Main Event
WHAT?
If you're keen on energy drinks, and/or regularly use the word "gnar," you probably already know the 2016 Winter X Games start today.

WHAT ELSE?
Extreme athletes from across the globe will call Aspen, Colorado home for the next four days as they compete in an assortment of acrobatic, high-octane events, including: Ski/Snowboard SuperPipe, Ski/Snowboard Big Air, and Snowmobile Freestyle. One notable athlete omission from this year's games is probably the only extreme athlete you know, snowboarder Shaun "Flying Tomato" White. The X games all-time leading gold medalist, and two-time Olympic gold winner, wasn't invited to the 2016 competition, likely because he's 100 years old in X Games years (29 in human years). Nevertheless, the 2016 Winter X Games have us primed to party, with musical acts including Nas and deadmau5 scheduled to blow the top off the most bro-tastic sporting event of 2016.

THOUGHTS?
Why the hell is there a video game component to the X Games? Along with all the dope, real extreme winter events, a batch of nerds will compete in "The Halo World Championship Tour: X Games Aspen Invitational 2016." Eight teams will contend for X Games medals (yes, really) and $30,000 in prize money. All those Mountain Dew and Totino's Pizza Roll plugs are finally starting to make sense.

Good Sport
JUMBO JOE
San Jose Sharks centerman “Jumbo Joe” Thornton scored his 1,300th career point during a 6-1 smothering of the Colorado Avalanche, becoming the 33rd player in NHL history to surpass 1,300 points. For all those hockey neophytes out there, points are given to players for each goal scored or assist earned. Thornton has 367 goals to 933 assists, which makes his milestone seem slightly less impressive. Not that we’re about to give the 6’4”, 220-pounder any shit about it. He accounted for three fights in Hockey News’ “Top Ten Fights between NHL Stars” over the last 10 years.

Bad Sport
IS THAT A PETITION IN YOUR POCKET, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
With no more games to watch this season, Seattle Seahawks fans have picked up “petition filing” as a hobby to pass the time while they sit inside and wait for the rain to go away. A failed petition to ban commentators Joe Buck and Troy Aikman from calling Seahawks games was just the first in a series of “who the hell has time to make these?” petitions…
  • One petition seeks to ban Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton from the Seahawks' stadium for being "one of the most unprofessional, unsportsmanlike individual [sic] on the face of the planet." Newton grabbed and threw a fan's 12th Man flag after beating the Seahawks. "This should teach him to put his arrogance in check!!"
  • A second petition popped up seeking to ban Andrew Tilton, the guy who created the "Ban Cam" petition, because he's making Seahawks fans "look like pathetic, whiny bitches."
  • Following that, a third petition looking to ban petitions went live.
They might be drinking a bit too much coffee up north.

Good Old Caption
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What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Knicks at Raptors - 8pm on TNT; Bulls at Lakers - 10:30pm on TNT
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Iowa at Maryland - 7pm on ESPN; Cincinnati at Connecticut - 7pm on ESPN2; Alabama (Birmingham) at Western Kentucky - 7:30pm on Fox Sports 1; Michigan State at Northwestern - 9pm on ESPN; Oregon at Arizona - 9pm on ESPN2; Washington at UCLA - 10pm on Fox Sports 1
GOLF. LPGA Tour: Pure Silk-Bahamas LPGA Classic, First-Round Play - 11:30am on Golf Channel; PGA Tour: Farmers Insurance Open, First-Round Play - 3pm on Golf Channel; Singapore Open, Second-Round Play - 8pm on Golf Channel
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