Zooey Deschanel, Euro Tomfoolery, & Bar Chicks Suck.
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Friday, June 17, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Are You Kidding Me? Philadelphia Eagles rookie quarterback Carson Wentz needs adult supervision or the buddy system or some shit. He had to be rescued after locking himself in a New Jersey gas station bathroom. Great pick, Philly.
  • All Grown Up. The U.S. men's national soccer team is much like that homely girl in middle school who grew up to be a hottie (hello, Zooey Deschanel). After an ugly start to Copa América Centenario, the USMNT has blossomed into a beauty as they notched their third-straight win with a 2-1 victory over Ecuador, advancing them to the semis for the first time since '95.
  • Steph's Tantrum. Golden State Warriors small child Steph Curry was too busy throwing a tantrum (and his mouthpiece at a fan) to worry about the Cleveland Cavaliers. Steph fouled out in the fourth quarter of a matchup that LeBron James dominated, as he scored 40+ points for the second-straight game on the way to a 115-101, Game 6 win for the Cavs to force Game 7 at Golden State on Sunday.
  • Bar Chicks Suck. Texas Rangers pitcher Colby Lewis lost a no-hitter in the ninth inning in a 5-1 win over the Oakland A's last night, which we can only equate to losing a girl at the bar near closing time when she throws the "my friends are leaving" excuse after you've paid for her drinks all goddamn night and you swore to your friends you'd close the deal. Brutal.
  • No Bums. The Padres stopped just short of asking the city of San Diego to round up and kill the homeless as they prepare to host the MLB All-Star game. The team couldn't hide their glee regarding the city's decision to install jagged rock beds underneath a bridge adjacent to Petco Park to deter homeless people. At least they're not using spike beds like they do in London.

The Main Event
WHAT?
If you're not a soccer fan, you're about to be shit out of sports to watch. Why? Hockey's done, basketball's almost over, football and the Olympics are a ways off, and baseball has too many games (162) to give a damn about any particular one. Luckily, we have a hilarious alternative to bridge the gap: the Arena Football League.

WHAT ELSE?
The AFL is perfect for sports fans with ADHD, because the smaller fields (half an NFL field) make for faster play and higher scores (70+ points isn't uncommon). Plus, there are only eight teams to keep track of and they all make the playoffs. Hows that for keeping your attention?! Not to mention, the league takes everything PC douchebags hate about the NFL (cheerleaders in skimpy outfits) and extrapolates it (locking girls in cages suspended from arena rafters and forcing them to dance all game). Is it horrifyingly inappropriate? Yes. Admittedly entertaining? You bet. Make sure you check out a game fast though, because the whole league could go bankrupt at any moment. Four franchises folded since just last season, including the defending ArenaBowl champion San Jose SaberCats (awful name). Worst case, there's always the copy-cat Indoor Football League to fall back on.

THOUGHTS?
Like a bad movie, Arena football is pretty great if you watch it ironically. Just make sure you pregame by drinking tall boys out of brown paper bags in the parking lot like we do.

Good Sport
Against God's Will
God didn't want it to happen (mid-game hail storm delay), but Northern Ireland's national soccer squad collected their first major-tournament win since 1982 with a 2-0, Euro 2016 victory over Ukraine yesterday. It'd been such a long time since's Northern Ireland's last big win that five members on the current team were still shitting in their diapers when it happened, and the rest of the team hadn't been born yet.

Somewhat Related: God hates golf too. Round 1 play was suspended at the U.S. Open yesterday due to shit weather, with half of the field unable to tee off.

Bad Sport
More Euro Tomfoolery
So many English supporters were arrested before the England-Wales Euro match yesterday we were surprised there were any fans left to watch the game. 36 blokes were hauled off to the slammer after a tear gas-infused mini-riot came to order, which is a shame because they missed England's thrilling, 2-1 stoppage time victory.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
James Savage. The nine-year-old swimmer lived up to his boss last name by becoming the youngest person ever to swim from the San Francisco shore to Alcatraz and back. It's an impressive feat, considering when we were nine years old we'd have a full-blown panic attack standing in an 8-inch deep kiddie pool with arm floaties on.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Zack Greinke. The Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher tried to stick it to his former team (LA Dodgers) earlier this week by flipping his bat to celebrate a dinger. The only problem was, the hit lost steam and was caught at the warning track. Greinke looked bad-ass flipping his bat for a fly out though (fart noise).

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Zach Eflin had a worse debut than the new Warcraft movie. The rookie gave up nine runs (eight earned) in less than three innings in a blowout loss (11-3) to the Toronto Blue Jays on Tuesday.

Quote of the Week
"Yeah, those people can kiss my ass!" - Jayson Werth

After hitting a walk-off single in extra innings to beat the Chicago Cubs on Wednesday, the Washington Nationals outfielder had a colorful response when asked about critics who questioned his ability to play at his advanced age (37). Take it easy, baseball Jesus, you still have an unholy season average of .251, good for 119th in the league.

Good Old Caption Winner
"Too much ego to fit in the cup" - Durran Moore

We almost spilled out of our shorts upon hearing your caption, Durran. You're now the proud owner of two Good Old Sports koozies. Don't let it go to your lower head like it would Ronaldo's.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
There's plenty of shit to watch this weekend. Check it out on our all new website.
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