Hot Dog Thief, Bachelorette Update, & Sharapova Is Suspended.
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Thursday, June 9, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Bachelorette Update. Jordan Rodgers, brother of NFL quarterback Aaron Rodgers and contestant on The Bachelorette, finally got to start at QB on an NFL field via a group date at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh. Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was even on hand to give Rodgers tips on throwing mechanics and the fundamentals of forcing yourself on a woman.
  • Love Stinks. Maybe the J. Geils Band was right when they sang "Love Stinks." With Cleveland Cavaliers teammate Kevin Love sidelined due to injury, LeBron James and Kyrie Irving were finally able to get the Cavs going, hitting 30+ points each en route to a 120-90, Game 3 win over the Golden State Warriors, cutting the Dubs' lead in the NBA Finals to 2-1.
  • Woof. Don't worry, 50 Cent, you're not the only rapper who can't throw for shit. Snoop Dogg threw out the first pitch for the San Diego Padres, and it was so bad it made us question the meaning of life. Although, based on how the Padres have been playing this year, they still might want to consider giving him a contract.
  • Cautionary Tale. New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul, who blew his hand to hell in a fireworks accident, will do a PSA to educate kids on the dangers of fireworks. One look at his mutilated hand (warning: extremely graphic and hilarious) should have those kids in the fetal position in no time.
  • Make It Rain. Thanks to a new study, we know the average NBA player spends a ridiculous $42,500 a month, mostly on clothes and cars (Iguodala looks fly though). We're stunned only 60% of players are broke in retirement.

The Main Event
The MLB Draft is here, which is much like the NFL Draft, but with significantly less fat, blackout-drunk grown men booing every selection.

Let's get this out of the way; MLB's draft is way too long. There's 40 goddamn rounds, with 1,216 total players to be selected. When you consider the NFL has seven rounds and the NBA has two, that's enough to understand why nobody watches the MLB Draft or even knows when it is. For the record, it's on MLB Network (that station you totally watch all the time), with the first two rounds beginning tonight, followed by rounds 3-10 tomorrow, and rounds 11-40 on Saturday.

Now that we're done trashing the draft, let's talk details. The Philadelphia Phillies had the shittiest record in baseball last year (63-99), and will pick first overall, to be followed by the Cincinnati Reds, Atlanta Braves, Colorado Rockies, and Milwaukee Brewers (full draft order). These teams will vie over top prospects like pitcher A.J. Puk (consensus top pick), third baseman Nick Senzel, and pitcher Jason Groome, who will all undoubtedly be disappointed when they're drafted by one of these garbage teams.

The impending MLB Draft reminds us of our favorite baseball draft pick of all time; Matt Bush (pictured above). The Ryan Leaf of MLB Draft busts, Bush was selected first overall by the San Diego Padres as a shortstop, but quickly found his niche as a drunk-driving, hit-and-run specialist. To his credit, he managed to get back into the pros with the Texas Rangers after serving some time in prison. Ryan Leaf... not so much.

Good Sport
He's Got Your Back
Memphis Grizzlies guard Vince Carter won the NBA's Teammate of the Year award yesterday, which is given to a player based on selfless play, leadership, and status as a role model on and off the court. Carter beat out Minnesota Timberwolves forward, and second-place vote finisher, Kevin Garnett, who was a surprise on the list considering he's one of the NBA's most notable assholes. Unfortunately, they didn't give out an award for Worst Teammate of the Year, which undoubtedly would have gone to LA Lakers point guard D'Angelo Russell for nearly breaking up teammate Nick Young's engagement to the talentless butt that is Iggy Azalea.

Honorable Mention: Oklahoma beat Auburn in the Women's College World Series to claim their third national softball championship, and thus concludes another season of having to listen to grown women perform grade school chants to cheer on their team.

Bad Sport
Steep Price For Maria's Actions
Russian tennis star Maria Sharapova received a two-year suspension by the International Tennis Federation (ITF) for doping. While Sharapova will appeal a verdict she called "unfairly harsh," the ITF insisted she is the "sole author of her own misfortune." We can only assume Dan Turner, father of the Stanford swimmer rapist, agrees with Sharapova that the punishment is too harsh, and would say something like, "that's a steep price to pay for a little drug action."

(Dis)Honorable Mention: The defending World Series champion Kansas City Royals just pulled off a combined week's worth of ignominious futility, falling to the Baltimore Orioles 4-0 last night for their seventh-consecutive loss.

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS GIF of Cleveland Indians big man Juan Uribe trying to covertly steal a fan's hot dog. This week's wiener gets a tasty treat of their own in the form of a Good Old Sport baseball tee.

Send your captions to

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
STANLEY CUP FINALS. Game 5: Sharks at Penguins - 8pm on NBC (Penguins lead 3-1)
SOCCER. Copa America Centenario: Uruguay vs. Venezuela - 7:30pm on Fox Sports 1; Copa America Centenario: Mexico vs. Jamaica - 10pm on Fox Sports 1
GOLF. Lyoness Open, First-Round Play - 9am on Golf Channel; Rust-Oleum Championship, First-Round Play - 10:30am on Golf Channel; Champions Tour: Senior Players Championship, First-Round Play - 12:30pm on Golf Channel; PGA Tour: St. Jude Classic, First-Round Play - 3:30pm on Golf Channel; Women's PGA Championship, First-Round Play - 7pm on Golf Channel
TRACK AND FIELD. NCAA women's championships - 8pm on ESPN
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