Tecmo Bowl Is Back, Fairway Dance Party, & Mid-Game Boning.
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Friday, July 15, 2016

Friday Fun
  • On Foot. After a crash lead to a mechanical issue with his bike, Tour de France leader Chris Froome was forced to run up a damn mountain on foot until he was able to get a replacement bike. Impressive, but still not as badass as the time NASCAR driver Ricky Bobby Carl Edwards made a run for the finish line after flipping his car.
  • Tebowing Trump. Former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow will speak at the Republican National Convention next week. We're praying Donald Trump will dust off the five-year old "Tebowing" pose in an attempt to connect with young sports fans/voters.
  • 'Murica. The Arizona Diamondbacks want you to get diabetes. The team unveiled the "Triple Play Sundae," a two-pound, 3,540 calorie sundae that's served in a helmet, and filled with brownies, waffle cone, and all kinds of shit.
  • Moving Home. After being traded from the Atlanta Hawks to his hometown Indiana Pacers, All-Star point guard Jeff Teague says he will live in his parents' basement for the upcoming season, enabling kids who've failed to launch to use, "rich NBA players live at home, why can't I?" as an excuse.
  • Game On. Nintendo is releasing a mini version of its classic NES console this November, which will serve as the beginning and end of our Christmas wish list. The system comes preloaded with 30 games, including all-time great football title; "Tecmo Bowl." Good luck keeping it in your pants when scantly clad, 8-bit cheerleaders return to your living room this fall.

The Main Event
The inaugural Nitro World Games are tomorrow night, with the three-hour, one-night event being promoted as "the biggest event in the history of action sports." You hear that, X Games? Bro shots have been fired! Nitro even roped in your golden boy (Tony Hawk) to co-host the games and nabbed one of your top sponsors (Monster Energy). Total bro-code violation. Prepare for a lifetime of major beefage with the X Games.

Salt Lake City's Rice-Eccles Stadium, home of college football's Utah Utes, has been completely transformed to host the Nitro Games, with ramps up to 50-feet tall littering the infield. The world's top extreme athletes will be shredding those ramps in seven events: FMX (motocross), FMX Best Trick, BMX Best Tricks, BMX Triple Hit, Skate Best Tricks, Inline Best Tricks, and Scooter Best Tricks. Riders will be judged on a new "groundbreaking scoring format," which, just like ice skating, diving, and gymnastics, combines "degree of difficulty" and "execution."

If adapting a scoring format that's previously been criticized for capping the total trick score before the trick's even been attempted is "groundbreaking," then consider us Miles Davis.

Good Sport
Lefty And A Fairway Dance Party
American golfer Phil "Lefty" Mickelson is making things happen at the British Open. He shot 8 under par for a 63 in yesterday's first round, breaking the Royal Troon course record (66 set by Patrick Reed and Martin Kaymer), and tying 25 other players for the lowest score in single major championship round. We'd like to say that was our favorite moment of the tournament so far, but that honor has to go to Spanish golfer Miguel Ángel Jiménez, who had himself a mini dance party after sinking an eagle. Check out the tourney leaderboard for the latest.

Bad Sport
Cancelled Trip
It’s well known that North Carolina hates the gays, and now it’s affecting college basketball. Albany University has cancelled its Nov. 12 game against Duke because of New York governor Andrew Cuomo’s policy banning official travel to North Carolina. The policy was created in response to North Carolina’s HB2 bill, which eliminates anti-discrimination protection and restricts public restroom access for the LGBT community. However, we think HB2’s true purpose is becoming clear; saving Duke from a humiliating loss to the far superior Albany University squad. Ok, maybe not.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Darryl Strawberry. On top of all the booze and blow he enjoyed back in his playing days, the former MLB All-Star claims he also had sex during games, which officially makes Strawberry our favorite baseball player of all time.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
MLB All-Star Game. The midsummer classic saw record-low ratings, garnering just 8.71 million viewers, a 20% decrease from last year's exhibition. The game was beaten by America's Got Talent, a show where acts like throwing plungers in an attempt to stick them to shirtless dudes are commonplace.

Quote of the Week
"I took a piss... f*cking wanker!" - Mark Cavendish

The British cyclist was none too thrilled when a cameraman caught him taking a wiz during the 10th stage of the Tour de France.

Honorable Mention: "I'm the best quarterback in the nation." Ole Miss quarterback Chad Kelly, who finished the 2015 season 10th in passing yards, 14th in passer rating, and 20th in completion percentage, thinks he's college's top QB. Clearly, he has an Ole Miss' education.

Good Old Caption Winner
"And the prophecy is true... The demon offspring of King Joffrey and Skrillex has come for us all!" - Jesse Knaack

Well done, Jesse. Now lead us to the only safe place where we can hide from this apocalypse: the refrigerator. Enjoy your Good Old Sport baseball tee!

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Put your feet up, grab a beer, and watch some dank sports this weekend.
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