Dance Dance Revolution, Humble Pie, Don't Taze Me Bro.
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Monday, March 7, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend
  • Worst Beats Best. The Golden State Warriors had a pants-shitting flub of historic proportions yesterday when they somehow let ancient artifact Kobe Bryant and the hideously-awful Los Angeles Lakers defeat demolish them 112-95. It was one of the largest upsets in NBA history.
  • MLS Returns. Yesterday was opening day for Major League Soccer. Among the many contests was the Portland Timbers' 2-1 victory over the Columbus Crew, who they beat last December to claim the 2015 MLS Cup. With the MLS back, there's plenty of great action to watch if you ever find yourself bored of the NBA, NHL, college basketball, tennis, golf, doing household chores, or running errands.
  • Dance Dance Revolution. Denver Broncos linebacker, and Super Bowl 50 MVP, Von Miller and Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Antonio Brown will appear on the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars, assuring your girlfriend will know the names of at least two NFL players this fall.
  • USA > Australia. The U.S. whipped Australia in the first round of the "World Cup of Tennis" (Davis Cup) this weekend, taking a 3-1 victory that will propel the States into the quarterfinals. Croatia will be Uncle Sam's next victim when the two meet in July.

The Main Event
Peyton Manning is saving us all the agony of having to watch him struggle to throw a football 10 yards downfield next year by retiring from the NFL.

After 18 prolific seasons that included 14 Pro Bowls, five NFL MVPs, and two Super Bowl championships, "The Sheriff" will officially hang up his cleats, likely to move full-time into shamelessly promoting his many sponsors. Terrible Papa John's commercials aside, Peyton Manning was simply one of the best to ever play the game. He owns too many records to list, so don't expect us to make the effort. Just know he literally (figuratively) owns every single statistical quarterback record worth a damn. Looking past his stats, there's many more things we'll miss about Manning. His historic rivalry with New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was always compelling television (and a ratings wet dream for broadcasters), that red helmet mark on his giant forehead was always good for a laugh, and his Southern-boy charm (Tennessee sex assault scandal notwithstanding) made him one of the more likable characters in the league. Here's to Peyton - arguably the best, and goofiest, quarterback to ever play the game.

We're 100% certain that, years from now, we'll come to find Manning's famous "Omaha" audible call was a plug for Omaha Steaks all along.

Good Sport
Cadillac For Back To Back
Australian golfer Adam Scott overcame a pair of early double bogeys, and Donald Trump landing on the course in a helicopter that unsurprisingly said "Trump" in large letters on the side, to win the Cadillac Championship yesterday (-12). The win is Scott's second major victory in as many weeks, having also won the Honda Classic last weekend. The two wins give Scott a combined $2,718,000 in prize money, which, compared to Donald Trump's bank account, is an amount even smaller than Trump's hands.

I'm Humble, Just Ask Me
If you like upsets, blood, and cocky assholes being force-fed a giant piece of humble pie, then you loved the results of this weekend's big UFC 196 event. The main event saw the favored and outspoken Conor McGregor choked out and defeated by a bloodied Nate Diaz. Likely realizing he had to atone for all the shit he talked leading up to the fight, McGregor gave credit to Diaz and called himself humble in defeat after the fight. The other big fight also featured a huge upset when Holly Holm, the gal that put Ronda Rousey in her place, lost her bantamweight championship belt to Miesha Tate in her first fight since beating Rousey.

Bad Sport
Say It Ain't So
Maria Sharapova, the world's sexiest tennis player, has called for a press conference at 3pm (ET) today to make "a major announcement." After battling injuries, which resulted in her withdrawal from the BNP Paribas Open, media are speculating that Sharapova will announce her retirement. Devastating, yes, but let's not forget that we have tennis players, and SI Swimsuit Edition alums, Caroline Wozniacki and Maria Kirilenko as fallbacks. Friendly reminder that complaints regarding sexist content can be sent directly to

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Yale Bulldogs. Yale University got its first NCAA men's basketball tournament bid since 1962. We were "surprised" to learn that a school chock-full of white people hadn't made a basketball tournament in 54 years.

Honorable Mention: Real Madrid C.F. forward Cristiano Ronaldo continued to be the complete opposite of us regular guys by being handsome and good at sports, netting four goals in Real's 7-1 thrashing of Celta de Vigo. Ronaldo now has 252 goals, placing him second all-time in La Liga (Spanish soccer league) goals behind only Lionel Messi (304).

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Tre Mason. The Los Angeles Rams running back auditioned for Cops this weekend when he was shot with a stun gun for resisting arrest after being pulled over for going 75 mph in a 35 mph zone. Mason was on his cell phone when pulled over, and also had 12 ounces of weed in his car.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Veteran arrestee, and former Dallas Cowboys running, Joseph Randle probably thought "that's cute" when he heard about Mason's arrest. Randle was arrested for failure to appear in court this weekend, which was his sixth arrest in 17 months.

Quote of the Weekend
"Beard, mullet, ginger, afro. These guys are like the super group of salad. They are like the Village People of hockey hair."

One of the many great quotes from the newly-released 2016 All Hockey Hair Team video, where a Minnesota native reviews high school hockey haircuts to hilarious effect.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NHL. Coyotes at Avalanche - 9pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Metro Atlantic Basketball Championship - 7pm on ESPN; American Athletic Women's Basketball Championship - 7pm on ESPN2; Colonial Basketball Championship - 7pm on NBC Sports; Southern Basketball Championship - 9pm on ESPN2; Big 12 Women's Basketball Championship - 9pm on Fox Sports 1
SOCCER. Under-21 Premier League: Sunderland vs. Everton - 2:30pm on NBC Sports
STEPHEN COLBERT. Former NBA All-Star Charles Barkley stops by The Late Show to hopefully discuss women's rights, as the always forward-thinking Chuck once said, "I'd never buy my girl a watch... she's already got a clock over the stove." - 11:35pm on CBS
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