Ads On A Turd, Boning Olympics, & Tiger's Got Jokes.
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Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Boning Olympics. World No. 2 condom maker Ansell will provide 450,000 anti-zika condoms to athletes for the Rio 2016 Summer Olympics. Given there'll be about 10,000 participants, that's 45 condoms per person to be used over a 16-day period (2.8 shags a day). That's enough boning to make it an official event.
  • Be Gentle, It’s My First Time. Pittsburgh Penguins forward Sidney Crosby popped a cherry of sorts by scoring his first career playoff overtime goal, giving the Penguins a 3-2 win over the Tampa Bay Lightning, which tied their Eastern Conference Final series at 1-1.
  • No Curse Here. Despite rapper Lil B's insistence that the Oklahoma City Thunder are cursed, they still topped the Golden State Warriors 108-102 last night to take Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals.
  • Ads On A Turd. When you have an NBA-worst 10-72 record, fans aren't exactly chomping at the bit to buy tickets to your games, which explains why the Philadelphia 76ers are the first NBA team to sell jersey ad space. Why StubHub ponied up $15 million over three years to place ads on a team that no one watches remains unclear.
  • Pissing Away Your Money. Boxer Floyd Mayweather, who sports a shaved head, spends up to $3k a week on haircuts, which is just barely a better use of money than simply lighting $100 bills on fire... which he's been know to do.

The Main Event
The 2016 Amgen Tour of California has begun, which is an eight-day, 779-mile pro cycling stage race that began in San Diego last Sunday and will finish in Sacramento this Sunday.

This year's run is the 11th edition of the race, and features 18 teams from around the world (including 10 UCI ProTour teams) competing in one of the top cycling events in the United States. Although Slovakian rider Peter Sagan won last year (and opened this year by winning the first stage), the U.S. usually doesn't dick around, having won six of the 10 Tour of California races to date. We'll gloss over the fact American riders Floyd Landis (won once) and Levi Leipheimer (won three times) are admitted steroid-abusing douchebags. Whatever... GO USA! The Americans have their work cut out for them this year, however, as Rohan Dennis of Australia is the favorite to stand atop the winners' podium by tour's end.

Speaking of standing atop the podium, the best part of winning the Tour of California has to be the kisses from the smokin' hot "podium girls," bestowed upon the winner's grinning cheeks each year. Just look at how happy this guy is. Is that a kickstand in his spandex or is he just happy to win? A close second to the girls has to be the fans, who (while no doubt drunk) show support by dressing up as sumo wrestlers, The Pope, and unicorns... or by simply taking a shit on the side of the road (pictured above).

Good Sport
This Man Is The Shit
Karl-Anthony Towns of the Minnesota Timberwolves is the shit. After averaging 18.3 points and 10.5 rebounds, the 20-year-old was unanimously selected as the NBA's rookie of the year. He is just the fifth unanimous selection since 1984, and won rookie of the month every month this season (six times). Okay, we're done figuratively blowing this dude. Off our knees and on to the next segment we go...

Bad Sport
Thanks For The Laugh, Tiger
Tiger Woods tried and failed to show us he's ready to make a comeback. After multiple back surgeries, the shell-of-a former golf pro hit the ceremonial tee shot(s) for the upcoming Quicken Loans National tournament yesterday. We say "shots," because one shot turned into three after Tiger hit a water hazard three-consecutive times... with the hole just 100 yards away. What's worse, Tiger moaned and grimaced while hitting his shots like an old man struggling to tie his own shoes. Despite this, Woods says he can still beat Jack Nicklaus' major record. LOL, Tiger's got jokes this week.

Hissy Fit of the Week
Brad Ausmus. The Detroit Tigers manager submitted an early bid for bitch fit of the year during the Tigers’ 10-8 win over the Minnesota Twins last night. After being ejected, Ausmus went on a profanity-infused tirade before covering home plate with his sweater so no umpire could hurt it with shoddy officiating ever again.

Never Forget
As displayed below and seen via Shaq's performance in Kazaam, it's difficult to excel at both athletics and acting. Never forget.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA PLAYOFFS. Game 1: Toronto Raptors at Cleveland Cavaliers - 8:30pm on ESPN
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 2: Sharks at Blues - 8pm on NBC Sports (Blues lead 1-0)
WORLD HOCKEY. IIHF World Championship 2016: U.S. vs. Slovakia - 5am on NBC Sports
BOXING. Premier Boxing Champions: Gassiev vs. Shimmell (cruiserweights) - 9pm on Fox Sports 1
CYCLING. Tour of California: Stage 3 - 5pm on NBC Sports
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