Stick The Landing, Mort Report, & Face... Off.
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Thursday, September 1, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Snooze Fest. As punishment, Philadelphia will host the 2017 NFL Draft, because that's the type of boring event this city's terrible fans deserve.
  • Your Fault. Simone Biles threw up deuces, deciding to part ways with longtime gymnastics coach, Aimee Boorman. Coach is probably wondering if she'd still have a job if Simone stuck the balance beam landing.
  • What's Good For The Goose. Clay Matthews, Julius Peppers, and James Harrison were cleared by the NFL of PED use alleged by Al-Jazeera. Although, keep in mind it was the NFL's genius investigation squad that never asked to see the video from inside Ray Rice's elevator, but we're sure the NFL isn't trying to cover the league's ass this time around...
  • Hi & Bye. This jacked 17-year-old Cuban kid is supposed to be the next big thing in baseball, but we're mostly sharing because he signed with Oakland, which means you'll probably never hear about him again.

The Main Event
WHAT?
According to his most recent scans, ESPN broadcaster Chris Mortensen’s throat cancer has been "virtually reduced to zero."

WHAT ELSE?
In early January, our favorite word-fumbling commentator was diagnosed with Stage IV throat (oropharyngel) cancer. Mort's on-camera performances were never as informative as Adam "Two Phone" Schefter, nor as charismatic as Chris "The Flirty One" Berman, but they were hilarious in the same confused way a drunk person uses an ATM. He brought much needed fun and laughter to years of NFL Insider updates, and it's great to hear he's doing well.

THOUGHTS?
It's been painful watching the struggling network struggle even more without Mort, so not only are we stoked he's healthy, we're happy this year's NFL coverage will feature Mort in some capacity.

Good Sport
Vin (Not Diesel)
The Los Angeles Dodgers honored Vin Scully, their play-by-play announcer for only the past 67 years, by using his face instead of their own in the team photo (not like Nicolas Cage). See what we mean. It's refreshing to see a sport that prides themselves on history and tradition, recognize history and tradition. Now we just need baseball to bring back Ten Cent Beer Night...

Bad Sport
Minnesota Skidmarks
The Minnesota Twins are in the midst of a losing streak that will rival the Minnesota Vikings' total losses this upcoming season (sans Teddy). The Twins dropped to 13 consecutive losses after they were tomahawked by the Cleveland Indians. 13 straight losses marks the organization's third-longest skid, but don't worry, history is in sight! The team only needs two more consecutive losses to own the biggest skid in Twins history at 15. We're pulling for you by not pulling for you!

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS GIF of a woman who listened to R. Kelly's Space Jam song a few too many times and now thinks she can fly. The winner gets five koozies to use while getting really drunk and trying to fly with friends over the long weekend.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
PGA. European Masters - 9:30am on GOLF
TENNIS. U.S. Open - 1pm on ESPN; U.S. Open - 6pm on ESPN2
LPGA. Manulife LPGA Classic - 3pm on GOLF
COLLEGE FOOTBALL. Indiana at Florida International - 7:30pm on ESPNU; South Carolina at Vanderbilt - 8pm on ESPN
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