Jilted Lover, 105 MPH Hit to the Head, & I.O.U.
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Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Fake Athletes Get Real Injuries. Over 50 former wrestlers are suing the WWE over claims the organization hid the risks of traumatic brain injuries, and failed to provide proper medical treatment. Or are they faking this lawsuit too?
  • The Real Meaning of MPH. Damn, NY Yankees closer Aroldis Chapman can throw gas. He hit 105.1 mph against the Baltimore Orioles this week, and has thrown nine of the 10 fastest pitches in baseball this year, which average 104.2 mph. With simple math, we know a car going 104.2 mph would cover 104.2 miles in just an hour, but not everyone knows simple math.
  • More MPH Fun. Speaking of fastballs, Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Jameson Taillon took a 105 mph line drive off the dome in a 3-2 win over the Milwaukee Brewers, which came courtesy of a walk-off, inside-the-park homer. Not only did Taillon live, he stayed in the game, proving he's in no way a WWE wrestler.
  • Lil' Jim. Michigan football's batshit-insane coach Jim Harbaugh is bringing the crazy once again, this time with a Wolverines pump-up music video alongside rapper Bailey, where Harbaugh screams "Who's got it better than us? Nobody!" throughout the song. Wait, we though it was the Niners that had it best.
  • Old-man Kershaw. The LA Dodgers have shut down ace pitcher Clayton Kershaw until further notice due to continued back pain. Next time we see Kershaw take the mound it will likely be with the assistance of a tennis ball-wheeled walker.
  • Puckémon. An artist altered all 30 NHL logos to incorporate Pokémon characters. Most are well done, but we feel it was a missed opportunity not to weave the mighty Charizard into the Calgary Flames logo, though we understand the artist may not have wanted to associate the dopest Pokémon with a team that's been garbage over the last several seasons. Check out all the logos here.

The Main Event
Believe it or not, Texas hold 'em is still a thing. You know, the version of poker that became so popular in the mid-2000s sports networks called the game a "sport" and its players "athletes" on purpose. Neither descriptor is accurate, but we digress. The 47th annual World Series of Poker is well underway, and it's as popular as it's ever been.

This year's World Series of Poker championship started on July 9th with an absurd 6,737 players from 79 countries. The fifth-largest field in tournament history was whittled down to just nine players this week, who will compete at the main event's final table from October 30th to November 1st. The November Nine, as they're known, are led by Cliff "JohnnyBax" Josephy of New York, who's the chip leader with over $74 million in chips. We'd be more than happy to finish 9th, however, considering each "Niner" is guaranteed at least $1 million in prize money, with the first-place finisher receiving $8 million. Dammit, if only we didn't blow out our knee playing varsity poker in high school we'd still have a shot at fat prize money like this.

Our favorite "athlete" from the World Series of Poker this year was defending champion Joe McKeehen. Not because we're bandwagoners, but because McKeehen reportedly complained for months about this year's tournaments switching from noon to 11 AM start times because "11 is just too early for poker players." Kudos to McKeehen for ensuring we'll never even come close to calling poker players "athletes."

Good Sport
Jilted Lover Makes Amends
It looks like Tom Coughlin and the New York Giants have kissed and made up, now that the former Giants head coach will be inducted into the team's Ring of Honor. Coughlin went through a messy divorce with the Giants when he was given the boot after 12 seasons and two Super Bowl wins with the team. He was so bitter that he "acted like a jilted lover trying to initiate a rebound" while interviewing with the rival Eagles earlier this year, where he "bad-mouthed the Giants" for most of the meeting. Despite Coughlin acting like a 12-year-old girl going through her first breakup, he'll still get to enter Giants' lore, along with former defensive end Justin Tuck and longtime general manager Ernie Accorsi, during the induction ceremony on November 14.

Endorse Me
Time released a list of the "Top 20 athletes who make more from endorsements than they do from their leagues," and it clearly confirms that a) life's good for famous athletes, and b) sports are just getting in the way of commercialism. Tennis player Roger Federer made $60 million in endorsements last year against just $7.8 million in salary/winnings. We wouldn't blame Federer in the slightest if he calls in "sick" to the next tennis major to film a Rolex commercial instead.

Bad Sport
Pulling Out
Tiger Woods, shell of a former pro golfer, has pulled out of the 2016 PGA Championship as he continues his rehab for back surgery, which means he'll miss all four majors in a calendar year for the first time in his career. We shouldn't be that surprised, because pulling out is what Tiger's best at, as is evident by the 120 extramarital affairs he's had without fathering a single child out of wedlock... that we know of.

Not only has Russian long-distance runner Liliya Shobukhova been stripped of her London and Chicago Marathon titles for doping, she's now been ordered to pay back her London prize money (£377,961.62). Hopefully she hasn't spent it all since winning the London Marathon in 2010, or London Marathon Events Ltd. can expect a Dumb and Dumber sized I.O.U.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Former world-champion boxer Adrien Broner has been ordered to spend 30 days in jail for showing up three hours late to court for an assault charge against him. Hilariously, the case was expected to be dismissed had Broner arrived on time. For Adrien's sake, we hope he doesn't give any other inmates a broner while he's in the slammer. Things get weird when guys are fully torqued.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
Former peanut butter-mouthed ESPN commentator Lou Holtz was seen toting a giant bottle of Crown Royal whiskey at the Republican National Convention yesterday. This reminded us of one of our go-to favorites at the bar: The Whiskey Ginger.
The Whiskey Ginger's beauty is in its simplicity. Just add two ounces of whiskey (Lou prefers you use Crown Royal) over a healthy amount of ice in an Old Fashioned glass, top the rest with ginger ale, and finish with a lime garnish. The result is a light, refreshing cocktail that serves as a very respectable way to cut a whiskey if you're not in the "neat" mood. Don't drink too many of these bad boys though, because you might involuntarily blurt out something regrettable like Lou, who shared his perspective on immigrants at the RNC; "I don’t want to become you. I don’t want to speak your language, I don’t want to celebrate your holidays, I sure as hell don’t want to cheer for your soccer team!” Have another, Lou!

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Mets at Cubs - 2pm on ESPN; Giants at Red Sox - 7pm on ESPN
CYCLING. Tour de France: Stage 17 - 8am on NBC Sports
NASCAR. Camping World Truck Series: Eldora Speedway - 5pm, 6pm and 9pm - Fox Sports 1
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