Dwayne "The President" Johnson, So Much Terrible, & Douchebag Heaven.
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Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Attention Harry Potter Nerds! A real-life Quidditch Premier League has launched in the UK, with the eight-team league set to start in July 2017. However, there's no such thing as flying brooms, which means this league will feature grown men and women running around with sticks between their legs playing pretend, effectively making this the saddest shit of all time.
  • We're Watching Again. Now that the election is over, Americans have gotten back to watching more important things than a douche battle a turd. Last Sunday's Cowboys-Steelers game was the most-watched contest of the year (28.88 million viewers), and the Seahawks-Patriots game was one of the highest-rated Sunday Night games in years. The NFL is back, baby!
  • That's Racist. What's a terrible thing to call a black athlete? A "thug." What about a group of black athletes? A "posse," according to LeBron James. The Cleveland Cavaliers star says he lost all respect for New York Knicks President Phil Jackson after Jackson called LeBron and his crew a "posse."
  • League-Wide Burn. According to director Joe Pytka, no one in the NBA is good enough to be in a reboot of his beloved '90s, live-action-animated film Space Jam. Deep burn, but at least he didn't refer to the current crop of NBA superstars as a "posse."
  • Terrible x2. The Pittsburgh Steelers' "terrible" defense just got a little more terrible. Defensive End Cam Heyward, a key cog for the Steelers' D, is out for the rest of the season with a torn pectoral.

The Main Event
WHAT?
The Los Angeles Rams' offense is so bad that they're handing the keys to their No. 1 overall pick from this year's draft, quarterback Jared Goff.

WHAT ELSE?
Finally catching up with the rest of us, Rams head coach Jeff Fisher realized that quarterback Case Keenum is putrid and unwatchable. While the Rams' defense has been doing everything it can to keep the team afloat (seventh in total defense), Keenum has redefined failure while leading the offense, which is dead last in the league in points per game (15.4) and first downs per game (17.4).

Enter Goff, who sucked shit in the preseason and started the year as the team's third quarterback. For his first test, he and his Donald Trump-sized hands will be tasked with taking down the Miami Dolphins, winners of four-straight games. The good news for Rams fans is that Goff has reportedly "made significant progress" in practice during the regular season. The bad news is that he's gotta get it done in a real game with offensive "weapons" like Kenny Britt, Tavon Austin, and Todd Gurley, who sucks now. The ugly news is that no matter how good Goff plays (he won't), fellow 2016 draft selection Dak Prescott will still be around to outshine him.

Good Old Sport prediction: Goff is out of the league in four years - moves to Burbank to work as a boom-mic operator for low-budget pornos.

THOUGHTS?
And another thing, what the hell is with Goff's peanut butter mouth? Seriously, get a load of this shit. It sounds like he's a multiple stroke victim who's well on his way toward Lou Holtz status. Pray for Goff's teammates, who'll have to decipher the gooberish nonsense he'll flap at them in the huddle this weekend into a coherent football play.

Good Sport
People Smells What The Rock Is Cooking
Dwayne Johnson, the former WWE superstar and current terrible-movie actor, has been named People magazine's “Sexiest Man Alive” for 2016. We assume People selected the universally-loved Johnson to bury the hate mail from their last golden-haired cover boy. The funny part? Both may be president some day.

Bad Sport
Blair Gets Booted
The Minnesota Vikings have lost four straight-games, and while there's plenty of blame to go around, the Vikes have pointed the first finger at kicker Blair Walsh. Walsh, who etched his name in Minnesota sports infamy by gift-wrapping a divisional round win for the Seahawks last year, has been booted from the team (sorry, we couldn't pass up that lame pun) after repeatedly missing extra points and field goals this season.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
This edition of Wet Your Whistle Wednesday is for all you douches out there (you know who you are). Why? Because Saturday is National Carbonated Beverage with Caffeine Day (yes, really), so we’re covering a drink everyone loves to hate: The Vodka Red Bull.
Is there anything worse for your body than the nightmare upper-downer that is Red Bull and booze? Absolutely not, which is why club rats insist on soaking themselves to the core with this radioactive runoff before a night of “dancing.” How else are they supposed to achieve a rapid irregular heartbeat to match the thumping bass of the robot vomit that is dubstep? So if you’re prone to wear sequenced t-shirts and sunglasses at night, simply pour one can of Red Bull and two shots of vodka into whatever novelty crunk chalice you have lying around your crib. Then douse yourself in Axe body spray, throw on your best chain, and you be ready to fly with your boyz! Meanwhile, the rest of us will be drinking a craft beer at home hoping what happened to Snooki happens to you.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Warriors at Raptors - 8pm on ESPN; Grizzlies at Clippers - 10:30pm on ESPN
NHL. Penguins at Capitals - 7:30pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE FOOTBALL. Ball State at Toledo - 7pm on ESPN2; Northern Illinois at Eastern Michigan - 8pm on ESPNU
GOLF. Australian Open, First-Round Play - 8pm on Golf Channel
COLLEGE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL. Texas A&M at Tennessee - 6pm on ESPNU
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