Another Hail Mary, Baptism Boxing, & The Dirtiest NBA Player.
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Monday, January 18, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend

The Main Event
The NFL's Divisional playoff round is in the books. After all four road teams emerged victorious from the Wild Card round, the four home teams took a stand in the Divisional, setting up an AFC Championship game between the New England Patriots and Denver Broncos, while the Arizona Cardinals will battle the Carolina Panthers for the NFC Championship.

Kansas City Chiefs at New England Patriots
Although the final score read 27-20, the Patriots were in complete control for the duration of their victory over the Chiefs. Kansas City's hideous clock management, and Patriots party-cruise captain Rob Gronkowski's NFL-record eighth postseason touchdown catch (for a tight end), were enough for the Pats to move on to their 10th AFC Title game under quarterback Tom Brady.

Green Bay Packers at Arizona Cardinals
This contest was the crown jewel of the weekend, and will certainly go down as one of the wildest playoff finishes we've ever seen. Down seven late, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers completed a 41-yard Hail Mary (for the second time this season) to force the game into overtime. Following a controversial coin flip that didn't flip, Cardinals wide reciever Larry Fitzgerald hauled in a game-sealing shovel pass from quarterback Carson Palmer to secure a 26-20 win.

Seattle Seahawks at Carolina Panthers
The Panthers came out swinging right from the get-go, with running back Jonathan Stewart breaking free for a 59-yard run on the first play from scrimmage. They wouldn't stop there, as a combination of great play from Carolina and miscues from Seattle, including a pick-six, resulted in a 31-0 advantage for the Panthers at halftime. The Seahawks mounted a spirited second-half comeback before falling just short 31-24.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Denver Broncos
A closely-contested match between the Steelers and Broncos turned on a fumble when Pittsburgh running back Fitzgerald Toussaint coughed up the rock with the Steelers driving and holding a slim lead late in the fourth quarter. The Broncos capitalized on the turnover, as quarterback Peyton Manning orchestrated a 14-play touchdown drive to put Denver on top. The Broncos would hold on for a 23-16 win, setting up another Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady AFC Title game (their fourth), while confirming Toussaint's need to enter a witness protection program.

Barbara, the predictive-shitting chicken, is full of shit. The psychic chicken had been selecting Divisional round games by taking dumps on cutout likenesses of the losers' faces. Although Babs chose the first three games correctly, she missed the mark on the Denver/Pittsburgh game, despite taking a grumpy directly on Peyton Manning's forehead. Color us not impressed.

Good Sport
Deontay Wilder defended his heavyweight championship belt by turning Polish-meatball Artur Szpilka's head into ground beef. Wilder delivered a devastating blow to Szpilka's jaw in the ninth round, sending his lifeless body tumbling to the canvas. The win extended Wilder's undefeated record, moving him to 36-0. After the victory, Tyson Fury, boxing's resident dickbag, took the opportunity to taunt Wilder through song, singing, "There's only one Tyson Fury!" Wilder later responded on Twitter to Fury, saying, "Step in the ring with me and I will baptize you." This just got biblical.

Bad Sport
The Iona Gaels (that men's basketball team you've totally heard of) went on a bitch-slapping spree after a 110-102 loss to the Monmouth Hawks. Prior to the game, Iona head coach Tim Cluess lambasted the Monmouth bench for their well-known sideline dances, saying, "I didn't know if they were on the team or wearing uniforms as cheerleaders." The bench responded in kind with plenty of antics (including hand goggles and chicken dances) during the win over Iona, which may have caused frustrations to boil over for Iona forward Jordan Washington, who was suspended two games for hitting Monmouth center Chris Brady.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Cleveland Cavaliers token white guy, Matthew Dellavedova, was voted the NBA's dirtiest player in a player/coach survey.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Wayne Rooney. English soccer star Wayne Rooney had a better weekend than you. The Manchester United striker hit a late goal to secure a 1-0 win over arch-rival Liverpool. Moreover, the goal was his 175th for Man U, a record for most goals scored with a single club in the Premier League. An outstanding career achievement that almost certainly makes up for the fact he began balding at eight years old.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Tony Stewart. The former NASCAR driver got into a tussle with a fat, drunk heckler, who turned out to be an off-duty sheriff, at a midget car race in Tulsa known as the Chili Bowl Nationals. And that's officially the most white-trash sentence we've ever written.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Australian professional basketball player Kyle Adnam, who threw up all over the court and into his hand during a live game. Unfortunately for his opponents, Adnam still lined up to shake hands after the game. #Squishy

Quote of the Weekend
"Violence is never the answer, but sometimes it is." - Matt Barnes, Memphis Grizzlies

A bemused Barnes managed to contradict himself in just nine words when asked about his domestic altercation with New York Knicks coach Derek Fisher, who Barnes claims slept with his estranged wife. Barnes went on to say he "didn't regret" his decision to fight Fisher, but he might regret the $35k fine he received for "condoning violence."

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Pelicans at Grizzlies - 2:30pm on ESPN; Warriors at Cavaliers - 8pm on TNT; Rockets at Clippers - 10:30pm on TNT
NHL. Penguins at Blues - 8pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Syracuse at Duke - 7pm on ESPN; (women's) Tennessee at Notre Dame - 7pm on ESPN2; Oklahoma at Iowa State - 9pm on ESPN
SOCCER. Premier League: Swansea vs. Watford - 2:55pm on NBC Sports
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