Shaq The WWE Star, Broner The Bowler, & Defying Reason
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Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Quick Hits

The Main Event
WHAT?
After subjecting us to perhaps the dullest Final Four ever with easy victories over inferior opponents, Villanova and North Carolina found their equals in each other, giving us one of the greatest championship games in NCAA Tournament history.

WHAT ELSE?
Villanova and UNC exchanged blows throughout the contest. Nova trailed by five at the half, but found themselves up by as much as 10 late in the second. UNC roared back to cut Nova's lead to three with just 13.5 seconds to play. It wouldn't even take that long for the Tar Heels to tie it up, thanks to an awkward, shape-shifting three-pointer by UNC guard Marcus Paige to even the game at 74 a piece with just 4.7 seconds left. This is normally where we'd expect to see overtime, but Nova simply couldn't let their fans wait a minute longer to begin their celebratory, blackout bender. After very quickly driving up court, Kris Jenkins earned himself free drinks for life in eastern Pennsylvania by sinking an improbable three at the buzzer, giving Villanova the 77-74 win, and their first national basketball championship since 1985. Villanova's triumph means The Simpsons won't lose everything, UNC fans will surely be added to the 2016 March Sadness video, and Tar Heels head coach Roy Williams can finally give his full attention to denying academic fraud allegations.

THOUGHTS?
We think it's time to reveal the true champion of college basketball... the winner of Good Old Sport's March Madness Mania. And this year's champion is:

Taylor Turner, who finished with a score of 140 and correctly picked Villanova to win it all! A $100 AmEx gift card is on the way for you to spend on whatever the hell you want! As long as you promise not to use it for bowling bets with Adrien Broner (more on that later). The best of the rest include:

2.) Annapurna Kennedy (103 points)
3.) Jon Charles Axelsson (101 points)
4.) Alen Westin (100 points)
5.) Eliza Jameson (96 points)

If you didn't make the top five and want to see exactly how bad you did, you can check out the final standings right here.

Good Sport
We're Talkin' 'Bout Hall Of Fame
Shaquille O'Neal (who, as long as you count slowly being pushed out of the ring, is now a WWE wrestler) and Allen Iverson (who was never ashamed to get his hair braided by his mom mid-game) headlined the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame Class of 2016 inductees, which were announced yesterday morning. O'Neal and Iverson, who have 26 All-Star selections between them, will be joined by Yao Ming (Asian sensation), Jerry Reinsdorf (long-time Bulls owner), Sheryl Swoopes (WNBA superstar), and Tom Izzo (Michigan State head coach). Dead dudes had a solid showing also, as Zelmo Beatty, Darell Garretson, John McLendon, and Cumberland Posey were all selected as posthumous entries.

Bad Sport
Broner The Boxer Is No Bowler
Boxer Adrien “The Problem” Broner may have beat Ashley Theophane on Friday night, but now he's facing a different problem: prison time. Broner turned himself into police yesterday morning for beating and robbing a man at gunpoint outside of a bowling alley. Broner allegedly robbed the man because he lost $12k to him during a night of high-stakes bowling bets, confirming Broner's bowling game is weak as shit. Broner made bail ($100k), but will be asked to enter a plea at his arraignment this morning.

Checking Out
The Toronto Maple Leafs' leader in assists and points is done for the year because he has anger issues. Nazem Kadri, who the NHL has deemed a "repeat offender" (his endearing throat-slash gesture comes to mind), has been suspended four games without pay (amounting to $200k) for cross-checking Red Wings centerman Luke Glendening in the head on Saturday. Seeing as the Leafs only have four regular season games left, and they're way not making the playoffs (28 wins, fewest in NHL), Kadri has attempted teeth removal of an opposing player for the last time this season.

Defying Reason
NFL free agent Greg Hardy, who beat a woman and threw her on a pile of assault rifles, just said he never hit a woman in his life in an snippet from an upcoming interview with ESPN's Adam Schefter, which airs today at 2:30pm (ET). Hardy went on to defy reason by stating, "Saying I did nothing wrong is a stretch, but saying I'm innocent is correct, sir." Check out more of Hardy's comments right here and watch time and space bend around you as you try to comprehend the rambling counterintuitiveness of a mad man.

Never Forget
The time Adam Wainwright and Yadier Molina treated a baseball like a T-Rex. "If we stay perfectly still, it won't hurt us." Never Forget.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Pistons at Heat - 8pm on TNT; Timberwolves at Warriors - 10:30pm on TNT
NHL. Lightning at Rangers - 7:30pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. NCAA Women's Basketball Championship: UConn vs. Syracuse - 8:30pm on ESPN
SOCCER. Champions League: Barcelona vs. Atlético Madrid - 2:30pm on Fox Sports 1; Champions League: Bayern Munich vs. Benfica - 2:30pm on Fox Sports 2
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