Soccer Is Soft, Hockey Is Hard, & Farewell, Joe.
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Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Microsoft Surface Tablets Suck Dick. At least if you ask New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick. After destroying a Surface on the sideline earlier this year, Darth Sidious went on a lengthy rant yesterday about the tablets, calling them inconsistent and undependable. Apple, please fold Bill's thoughts into your next iPad promo.
  • Real Original. Using as little creativity and imagination as possible, NBA general managers have chosen the Golden State Warriors to top the Cleveland Cavaliers in this season's NBA Finals. We'll assume the Pats are your preseason NFL pick every year too?
  • Blitzed. Minnesota Vikings defensive coordinator George Edwards loves two things: blitzes and driving blitzed. It was revealed yesterday that Edwards was arrested and charged with a DWI back in May.
  • Soccer Is Soft. Here's all the ammunition you'll ever need to shoot down your elitist, soccer-enthusiast friends:
  • Hockey Is Hard. Colorado Avalanche centerman Matt Duchene experienced no less that 9 Gs after this flip courtesy of Washington Capitals defenseman Dmitry Orlov during the Caps' 3-0 win over the Avalanche last night.

The Main Event
WHAT?
It's the Detroit Red Wings last season at "The Joe."

WHAT ELSE?
The Wings 5-1 win against the Ottawa Senators on Monday night was the team's last opening game at the storied Joe Louis Arena, where the Wings have played since 1979. The second-oldest arena in the NHL, The Joe has provided the stage for some unforgettable moments and events in Red Wings history. 25 consecutive playoff appearances, four Stanley Cup Championships, and iconic players like Steve Yzerman and the Bruise Brothers, who were no doubt an inspiration for The Mighty Ducks' Bash Brothers. All were given a sendoff on Monday with a pre-game video narrated by Michigan native, and "Dumb" in Dumb and Dumber actor, Jeff Daniels.

THOUGHTS?
Next season the Wings will move to their new, $627 million stadium, which is shamefully named "Little Caesars Arena." Damn these corporate sponsors to hell. This is even worse than the San Diego Padres going from Jack Murphy Stadium to Petco Park. It hurts us to give props to anything New York, but bless Madison Square Garden for being the last NHL stadium without a corporate sponsorship name.

Good Sport
Kudos, Toronto
Thanks for showing up at least once in this god-forsaken ALCS. The Blue Jays finally decided to play baseball in the form of a 5-1 win over the Cleveland Indians yesterday, which delayed their inevitable elimination for another day. The Jays are now down three games to one, giving Toronto-area fans a reason to cling to hope and continue their postseason bender.

Honorable Mention: The Chicago Cubs' 108-year World Series title drought may extend to 109 years. Cubs ace Jake Arrieta gave up a pair of dingers last night en route to a 6-0 loss, giving the LA Dodgers a 2-1 advantage in the NLCS.

Bad Sport
Here He Goes Again
Curt Schilling, former pro baseball player turned human dildo, has announced he'll run for Massachusetts State Senate in 2018, pending his wife's approval. Here's hoping he'll create a campaign slogan using a direct quote from his own thoughts on bathroom equality: a "men’s room was designed for the penis."

"I'm Curt Schilling, and I approve this dong to follow me into the men's room"

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Last week we pointed out how bad Tim Tebow has been playing for the Mets' in the Arizona Fall League: UPDATE: He still sucks shit, having gone 0-12 in his first dozen at-bats.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
Winter is nigh, which means it's getting dark, which obviously means your beer choices should be getting even darker. Thus, we bring you our booze selection of the week: Ballast Point's Victory at Sea Imperial Porter.
We made it down to San Diego the other weekend, which is a hot spot for craft breweries, and if you can tune out all the bearded hipster douchebags (nice haircut btw, asshole), you might get to enjoy some beautifully bold beer. One of the better, and more well-known breweries in San Diego is Ballast Point, which serves a bevy of brews that are certain to put hair on your chest (just don't flaunt that newly-acquired hair through a v-neck like the aforementioned d-bags would). The Victory at Sea is one such beer that will surely thicken any chest mane, and probably cause Hirsutism in you ladies, mostly because of it's 10% ABV. Not to mention it's darker than a black hole, from which light literally cannot escape. Luckily, Victory at Sea's smooth flavors are allowed to escape in the form of rich coffee and sweet vanilla. It's a great combination, and a surprising one coming from such a dark, high ABV beer. If you're in San Diego, make sure to treat yourself. If not, you can pick this bad boy up at your local BevMo (we did as soon as we got back home from SD). If you'd prefer to drink Bud Light this winter, we don't want to sound to harsh, but kill yourself and try to be more respectable in the next life.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB POSTSEASON. ALCS Game 5: Indians at Blue Jays (Indians lead 3-1) - 4:05pm on TBS; NLCS Game 4: Cubs at Dodgers (Dodgers lead 2-1) - 8:05pm on Fox Sports 1
NHL. Red Wings at Rangers - 8pm on NBC Sports
NBA PRESEASON. Knicks at Celtics - 7:30pm on ESPN; Warriors vs. Lakers - 10pm on ESPN
SOCCER. UEFA Champions League: Barcelona vs. Manchester City - 11:30am on Fox Sports 1; UEFA Champions League: Paris Saint-Germain vs. Basel - 11:30am on ESPN2; UEFA Champions League: Paris Saint-Germain vs. Basel - 2:30pm on ESPN2; UEFA Champions League: Barcelona vs. Manchester City - 2:30pm on Fox Sports 1; Women's International Friendly: U.S. vs. Switzerland - 9pm on ESPN2
GOLF. PGA Tour: CIMB Classic, First-Round Play - 10:30pm on Golf Channel
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE. Clinton vs. Trump - 9pm on pretty much every basic cable channel.
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