Dad Dance, Streaking, & The Cold Shoulder.
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Monday, May 23, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend
  • And The Academy Award Goes To... Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James put on an over-acting performance that would make Jim Carrey blush with a ridiculous flop after being tapped in the face by teammate Tristan Thompson. The performance proved to be all for naught, as the Cavs lost their first game of the playoffs in a 99-84, Game 3 to loss to the Toronto Raptors.
  • Ball Destroyer. The Oklahoma City Thunder destroyed the Golden State Warriors 133-105 in Game 3 of the Western Conference Finals to take a 2-1 series lead. Draymond Green took out his frustration during the game by destroying Thunder center Steven Adams' balls (again) with a swift kick to the groin in the second quarter. Despite the crowd's protest, Green was allowed to stay in the game.
  • Cold Shoulder. Despite being given the most literal and painful cold shoulder possible, Jonathan Drouin and the Tampa Bay Lightning overcame a 2-0 deficit to beat the Pittsburgh Penguins 4-3 in overtime, giving the Lightning a 3-2 series lead.
  • Home Win. Thanks to dope shots like this, Irish golfer Rory McIlroy shot a 69 (don't be immature) in the final round of the Irish Open to finish 12 under and clinch his first title of the year in his home country. Elsewhere in golf, Bernhard Langer won the Regions Tradition (old dude tournament) and Sergio Garcia beat Brooks Koepka in a playoff to win the AT&T Byron Nelson.

The Main Event
In supporting the truest cliché in the sporting world, Canada proved themselves to be the best at hockey by winning the IIHF World Ice Hockey Championship, a 17-day tournament featuring the top hockey squads from around the world (minus the NHL players still in the playoffs).

Canada edged out Finland 2-0 in the gold medal game, which gave our neighbors to the north their second-consecutive World Hockey victory, and 26th overall title (second most all-time - Russia/Soviet Union: 27). Canada's semifinal win over the United States put America in the bronze medal game with Russia, where the Yanks promptly suffered a pants-shitting of epic proportions via a 7-2 blowout loss. The smug look that's undoubtedly on Putin's face right now is making us blind with rage just thinking about it.

At least we're still the best in the world at baseball, our national pastime... oh wait, we've never even medalled in the World Baseball Classic.

Good Sport
Dad Dance
Manchester United beat Crystal Palace 2-1 to win the FA Cup (English soccer). It's a damn shame Palace didn't score more, because watching Palace manager Alan Pardew do his incredibly embarrassing dad dance only once wasn't enough for us. The awkward jig took place after Palace went up 1-0 in the 78th minute, but Pardew wouldn't dance long as United equalized just minutes later before going on to win in extra time, securing their 12th FA Cup (tied for most all time - Arsenal).

Honorable Mention: Barcelona beat Sevilla 2-0 in extra time to win back-to-back Copa del Rey (Spanish soccer) titles.

Honorable Mention: The United States men's national soccer team shocked the world by actually winning a game, a 3-1 triumph over Puerto Rico in an international friendly yesterday.

Bad Sport
PETA Will Be Pissed
Given how much PETA loves animals (as graphically shown in South Park), they're gonna be pissed about what went down before the Preakness Stakes. Two horses died in preceding races to the Preakness, one collapsed after winning a race, while the other had to be put down on the track after suffering a broken leg. If only the same protocol was used in the NFL when Terrell Owens broke his leg. Exaggerator somehow managed to not die, and upset Nyquist (the favorite) to win the Preakness.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Jackie Bradley Jr. Much like Will Ferrell in Old School, the Boston Red Sox center fielder is going streaking... thankfully with less dick and balls exposure. Bradley hit a single in the Sox' 5-2 win over the Cleveland Indians yesterday to extend his hitting streak to 27 games, the longest streak in the majors this season.

Honorable Mention: 23-year-old Frenchman Julian Alaphilippe won the 2016 Tour of California cycling race.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
John Gibbons. The Toronto Blue Jays manager isn't taking any shit. He was ejected for the third time in a week yesterday, this time for mouthing off after the Twins threw at Blue Jays slugger Josh Donaldson. Gibbons' recently-served three-game suspension is likely the only thing that saved him from getting ejected six times in a week.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Cleveland Cavaliers guard Dahntay Jones is suspended for tonight's Game 4 playoff matchup against Toronto for punching Raptors center Bismack Biyombo in the dick in Game 3.

Quote of the Weekend
"It's the most screwed-up All-Star Race I've ever been a part of, and I'm glad this is the last one." - Tony Stewart

The NASCAR driver was pissed about the All-Star Race, which received scathing reviews from most of the drivers (except for winner Joey Logano, who obviously wasn't going to complain) because of adjusted (and terrible) pit stop rules. Looks like the NFL's Pro Bowl has some competition for shittiest all-star event in sports.

Related: Canadian driver James Hinchcliffe won the 100th running of the Indianapolis 500.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Angels at Rangers - 8pm on Fox Sports 1
NBA PLAYOFFS. Game 4: Cavaliers at Raptors - 8:30pm on ESPN (Cavaliers lead 2-1)
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 5: Sharks at Blues - 8pm on NBC Sports (tied 2-2)
SOCCER. Bundesliga: Nurnberg vs. Eintracht Frankfurt - 2:30pm on Fox Sports 1
GOLF. NCAA Women's Golf Championships: Individual championship - 7pm on Golf Channel
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