Five D's, Four Golden Balls, & One Sleep Bird.
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Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive, and Dodge. Hopefully NFL players know how to dodge a wrench, because dodgeball is making its way to this year's NFL Pro Bowl, which is being produced by the same team that produces American Ninja Warrior and Hell’s Kitchen (not joking).
  • Golden Balls. We mean ball. Freudian slip? Yes. Anyway, hunky Cristiano Ronaldo won this year's Ballon d'Or, which translates to Golden Ball, and is given to soccer's best male player over the year. This is Ronaldo's fourth Ballon d'Or.
  • Sleepy Bird. Notching 446 receiving yards over 13 games must be more exhausting than we think, or maybe it was the booze. Either way, Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Michael Floyd was arrested for a DUI (his second) after being found asleep behind the wheel of his still-running car. After the struggling wide receiver gets booted from the NFL, maybe he can try his hand at driving for Uber?

The Main Event
Jeff Fisher knew something we didn't when he said he wasn't f*cking going 7-9, because the coach only went 4-9 before being fired yesterday by the Los Angeles Rams (about time).

This is a historic firing for Fisher, who went 31-45-1 as head coach for the Rams, for two reasons: 1.) He just became the first NFL head coach to be fired for a Los Angeles-based team in over 20 years. 2.) He won't be the single worst coach in NFL history - he'll share that honor with Dan Reeves because they're both tied for the most loses by a head coach with 165.

Don't feel bad for ole' Jeffy. He'll still be getting paid by the Rams while sitting on the couch doing nothing. Wish we could get fired by the Rams...

NFL Pick 'Em
Tom Akkala, you devil you. This son-of-a-bitch smoked the rest of you fools with a 13-3 record. For his victory he'll receive 72 virgins when he reaches paradise or a Good Old Sport koozie, depending on his religious affiliation.   

Counterpoint to our fourth place finisher: Andy Dalton, who can't even keep track of his own damn luggage, is 0-4 in the playoffs, thus making him a steamy turd. Feel free to throw us another "hot take" next week that we can publicly debunk for you.

The best of the rest include:

1. Tom Akkala (13-3; 46*)
2. Jean D'Alessandro (13-3; 43*)
3. Jeff Osborn (12-4; 49*)
4. Drew 'Andy Dalton is Elite' Ahlers (12-4; 48*)
5. Annapurna Kennedy (12-4; 41*)

*Total points estimate for Monday Night Football. Actual: 53

GET YOUR WEEK 15 PICKS IN NOW. Winner gets a Good Old Sport Koozie. Submission deadline is Thursday, 12/15 at 8:25pm ET.

Good Sport
Nice Pirate
In addition to being a good quarterback, Derek Carr, the guy who looks like he constantly wears Captain Jack Sparrow eyeliner, seems to be a nice guy with an affinity for helping washout quarterbacks get jobs. First, there were rumors he was going to get the team who drafted him to hire his #1 overall draft pick bust of a brother, and now he's seeking to help #22 overall draft pick bust asshole Johnny Manziel get another chance at quarterback. Unsurprisingly, Manziel immediately took him up on the offer.

Bad Sport
Lame Kiffin
After duping another man in charge of a sports team, Lane Kiffin will become Florida Atlantic University's head coach next year. More than just being an unlikable visor-wearing asshole, Kiffin's also a terrible head coach. With some talented players on his college teams, his coaching record was only 35-21, and while coaching the Oakland Raiders, his record was a hilarious 5-15. Enjoy him, Florida. We know Oakland, Los Angeles, and Tennessee didn't.

Never Forget
This isn't the XFL, you're allowed to call for a fair catch. Never forget.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
SOCCER. Everton vs. Arsenal - 2:40pm on OLN
NCAA BASKETBALL. South Carolina State at Clemson - 7pm on ESPNU; Temple at Villanova - 7pm on FS1
NHL. Blackhawks at Rangers - 7pm on NBCSN
NBA. Timberwolves at Bulls - 8pm on ESPN; Thunder at Trail Blazers - 10:30pm on ESPN
Link of the Day: Patriots got hops
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