Jaws Returns, Say My Name, & Comical Drama
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Thursday, March 24, 2016

Quick Hits
  • The Madness Continues. The "Sweet 16" round of March Madness kicks off today, with teams looking to avoid the wrath of LeBron James by not blowing big leads. When asked about Northern Iowa's epic meltdown, where they blew a 12-point lead to Texas A&M with 35 seconds to go, James said, "I would quit basketball. If I was on Northern Iowa I would quit." You hear that, Northern Iowa? Time to concentrate on male cheerleader tryouts.
  • Jaws Returns. Uruguayan soccer star, and odaxelagnia-enthusiast, Luis Suárez is returning to international soccer after being banned for almost two years for biting the hell out of Giorgio Chiellini during the 2014 World Cup. His first match is tomorrow when Uruguay faces Brazil. We certainly hope the Brazilians got their tetanus shots.
  • Bad Meets Unlucky. Sure, the Philadelphia 76ers are a bad, terrible, no good basketball team (9-63), but last night... they were just plain unlucky. With the Sixers up by two against the Denver Nuggets as time was expiring, Nuggets point guard Emmanuel Mudiay heaved the most absurd half-court shot of the year, and since god hates the Sixers, it found the basket. Sorry, Philly, but it's probably time to consider LeBron's aforementioned quitting advice.
  • Say My Name, Say My Name. Golden State Warriors star Stephen Curry reportedly signed with Under Armour over Nike because a Nike official mispronounced Steph's name during a pitch meeting. It was pronounced "Steph-on" as opposed to "Steff-in." Just play it safe and go with "Steph," or at least get weird with it like this guy did.
  • I'm Done, You Hear Me? New York Yankees infielder Alex Rodriguez, one-time owner of the MLB's largest contract and current owner of the MLB's largest earlobes, will retire after the 2017 season (although he left himself wiggle room to come back). Seriously though, what the hell is with those lobes? They rival the late, great Yogi Berra's for biggest in baseball history.
March Madness: Remember to check your bracket to see if you're in line for $100!

Good Old Sport Update
Rules On Rules On Rules
Having initially approved seven new rule changes, NFL owners tacked on two more rules to be implemented for the 2016 season on a one-year trial basis. In case kickoffs weren't already pointless enough since the NFL moved the kickoff line up to the 35-yard line, touchbacks will now be moved up to the 25-yard line from the 20 to discourage kick returns. The league also approved an automatic ejection for players or coaches who receive multiple personal fouls in a game. Both of these rules were designed with player safety in mind, and both ensure the NFL will continue on its path toward becoming less of a contact sport than your little sister's Powder Puff flag-football league.

The Main Event
Move over Kardashians, LA is about to get a new set of reality TV stars... although their fame won't be generated from botox and peddling homemade sex tapes. The Los Angeles Rams have been selected as the next team to be featured on Hard Knocks, HBO's 12x Sports Emmy Award-winning series that follows an NFL team through training camp and the preseason.

The five-part mini-series, which debuts on August 9th, follows the relocated Rams as they adjust to the mean streets of LA after playing in St. Louis for the last 21 years. The Rams will undoubtedly have to rely on this "fish out of water" narrative to draw intrigue, because the star power on their squad draws dick. We'll try not to cringe as we watch the Rams wear star running back Todd Gurley down to a nub while shuffling through arguably the worst group of quarterbacks in the NFL. Luckily, they've already tapped Case Keenum as the first quarterback to be benched, ahead of Nick "one year wonder" Foles and Sean "who?" Mannion. In any case, it'll be fun to watch these Midwestern players on their day off when they cruise the In-N-Out drive-through for the very first time. "Holy shit, it's that burger everyone's been talking about!"

Predictions: The "Ram It" hype video from the 1986 team will surface in the first episode when they look back on the LA Rams of old, they'll plug their recently-announced game in China (2018) at least once, Nick Foles will draw comparisons to Napoleon Dynamite by his teammates, and you'll eventually discover head coach Jeff Fisher's mustache is more personable than Jeff Fisher himself.

Good Sport
Over 50, Nothing Funny About That
Despite having "comical" team drama, according to New York Knicks star Carmelo Anthony, the Cleveland Cavaliers became just the third team this year to post more than 50 wins with last night's 113-104 win over the Milwaukee Bucks.

Bad Sport
Dirty Swimming
Dammit, Russia is at it again. Just days after Russian swimmer Yuliya Efimova tested positive for meldonium, her second failed drug test for an illegal substance, WADA (World Anti-Doping Agency) is investigating a London Times report that claims Russian swimming "has engaged in systematic doping for years." This is just the latest in a streak of recent, high-profile doping busts for Russia. Come to think of it, it seems naive that it was ever assumed just one of these swimmers was guilty of doping. As in life, when you poop in a shared pool, everyone's coming out dirty.

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS PHOTO of just so much goddamn Kevin Spacey. Winner gets a Good Old Sport pint glass to drink in their victory.

Send your captions to coach@goodoldsport.com

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Cubs at Giants - 7pm on ESPN
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Villanova vs. Miami - 7pm on CBS; Oklahoma State at Kansas State - 7pm on Fox Sports 1; Oklahoma vs. Texas A&M - 7:15pm on TBS; Kansas vs. Maryland - 9:30pm on CBS; Duke vs. Oregon - 9:45pm on TBS
SOCCER. International Friendly: Italy vs. Spain - 3:30pm on ESPN2
GOLF. PGA Tour: Puerto Rico Open, First-Round Play - 10:30am on Golf Channel; PGA Tour: WGC-Dell Match Play, Second-Round Play - 2pm on Golf Channel
CURLING. World Women's Championships - 9pm on NBC Sports
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