Manbang, Gentle Hair Removal, & The Kardashians Are Looking Smart
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Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Quick Hits

The Main Event
Ryan Lochte is a dumb shit.

You're probably as tired of hearing about him as we are, so unless he does something even stupider than lying about getting robbed at gunpoint, you won't hear another peep about him from us.

Because of Ryan Lochte's shenanigans, he's lost all four of his sponsors - Speedo, Gentle Hair Removal, Airweave Mattresses (because...), and Ralph Lauren said they won't renew his deal which ran through this year's Olympics. We're not sure if this has sank through Lochte's thick skull (his head whistles in a cross-breeze) but sponsors account for pretty much his entire salary. Not a good move to become internationally hated. Speaking of being internationally hated, Lochte's only chance for survival might be if this smiling face chooses the swimmer to endorse his Netflix-esque streaming service called "Manbang." You can't make this shit up.

We don't think Lochte's lie was meant to be malicious, because we refuse to believe he's capable of devising any sort of plan for anything at all. Seriously. He makes the Kardashians look like Nobel Laureates.

Good Sport
If you're in Los Angeles on Wednesday, make sure to throw on your Kobe jersey, because 8/24 is Kobe Bryant Day! 8/24 - get it? If not, this will help. The day will celebrate and honor the basketball player's 20-year career as a Laker, and make us question when the Kobe Bryant farewell tour will end.

Bad Sport
They Definitely Play In Oakland
Oakland A’s teammates Billy Butler and Danny Valencia got in a fight last week, and Butler ended up with a concussion after Valencia punched him in his temple. We know what you're thinking, they must have been fighting about a girl. Actually, they fought like girls, over shoes. After a shoe rep questioned why Valencia had another brand's shoes in his locker, Valencia said he only wore the cleats during warmups, but Butler said he was lying. After the rep left, the two got in a heated exchange, including this gem dropped by Butler, “I can say whatever I want and your bitch ass isn’t going to do anything about it.” Well, it looks like he did. That's one way to make someone eat their own words.

Never Forget
A trampoline won't do all the work for you. Never forget.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Yankees at Mariners - 10pm on ESPN
UEFA SOCCER. Roma vs. Porto - 2:30pm on FS1
BOXING. Plant vs. De Angel - 9pm on FS1
LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES. Japan vs. Southwest - 11:30am on ESPN; International Elimination Game - 3pm on ESPN; U.S. Elimination Game - 7:30pm on ESPN
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