Bama Bros, Redemption Tour, & Synthetic Weed.
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Friday, January 15, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Bay Man. The San Francisco 49ers have hired Eagles washout, and surprisingly delicious local Philadelphia sandwich, Chip Kelly to be their next head coach. As with us, Niners quarterback Colin Kaepernick didn't sound thrilled with the hire.
  • Red Eagle. With Chip shoving off, the Eagles brought in former Kansas City Chiefs offensive coordinator Doug Pederson as their new head coach. It's yet to be determined what type of sandwich will be named after him.
  • POTUS For Point Guard. Ever picture President Obama as a member of the Globetrotters? That's racist of you, but now's your chance to see him on the court! A White House petition has been released to have Obama play in the 2017 NBA All-Star Celebrity Game. Sign the petition to see it happen!
  • Bama Bros. Alabama running back Derrick Henry has declared for the NFL Draft. Even though he shares the same weird, receding-dreadlock hair as former Bama running back Trent Richardson, let's hope Henry doesn't share the same career as Richardson, one of the biggest busts in the last decade.
  • Consolation Prize? Clemson, who lost to Derrick Henry and his Alabama Crimson Tide in the CFP National Championship Game, are leading several media-produced Top 25 poles for the 2016 season. Sorry you lost, Clemson, but you're already the pretend champions for 2016! Isn't that just as good?!
  • On A Roll. Don't look now, but several NBA teams are a rollin'! The Spurs have won 10-straight, the Cavaliers just had an eight-game winning streak snapped (by the Spurs), and the Clippers have rattled off 10 in a row. Oh, and the Minnesota Timberwolves have lost eight in a row (fart noise).
  • Michigan State Misery. Just a couple weeks after their football team was humiliated in a 38-0 loss to Alabama in the Cotton Bowl, the #4 Michigan State basketball squad was upset by #19 Iowa in a 76-59 blowout. Too late to transfer?

The Main Event
Unbeknownst to you, the first two rounds of the Major League Soccer (MLS) SuperDraft transpired in the "beautiful" city of Baltimore yesterday.

The Chicago Fire (no, not that deplorable show on NBC) were the shittiest team in the league last year, and thus, held the first overall selection in this year's draft. They drafted Wake Forest star Jack Harrison, but traded him to New York City FC just a half hour later. Evidently, New York was hell-bent on acquiring the All-American, trading a fourth overall pick and cash to get their man. This reminds us of another time a New York team made a big play for a number one pick; when the NFL's Giants fought tooth and nail to draft Eli Manning, who was selected by the San Diego Chargers. Both Harrison and Manning ended up where they wanted to be, but Harrison took his initial selection by Chicago, and subsequent trade to New York, in stride. Unlike Manning, who, upon finding out he had been drafted by the Chargers, had a look of polite disgust on his face like someone sneezed on his food (pictured).

The other selections from the first two rounds can be found here.

Kudos to MLS for not blowing out their draft into a three-day, nationally-televised spectacle like the NFL does. The first round is fun, but we don't need two additional days of listening to "draft guru" Mel Kiper creepily critique the physiques of 20-year-old men we've never heard of. Just give us the bullet points. The third and fourth rounds of the MLS SuperDraft will literally take place via conference call on Tuesday. Thank you.

Good Sport
Minnesota Vikings kicker Blair Walsh has had a tough week. He missed a 27-yard, game-winning field goal against the Seattle Seahawks, which led to a Vikings loss, and a deluge of hate mail and tweets that wished STDs, Lou Gehrig's disease, and other fun ailments on the embattled kicker. In a heartwarming turn, Walsh received some other responses, with less requests that he kill himself, in the form of crayon-written letters of support from elementary school children. Walsh visited a group of young students that sent him well-wishes, which served as both an endearing tug at our heartstrings and a PR win for Walsh's hideously tarnished personal brand. Everyone's a winner!

Bad Sport
Real Madrid and Atlético Madrid, a pair of soccer clubs from Madrid, Spain (obvi), have been banned by FIFA from trading players until the summer of 2017. FIFA claims the clubs broke rules relating to the registration of minors, and will impose fines to go along with their transfer suspensions ($360,000 for Real Madrid, $900,000 for Atlético Madrid). This news comes as a headbutt to the newly-appointed manager of Real Madrid, Zinedine Zidane, who'll have to work on cleaning up a mess that's nearly a year in the making, well before his tenure as top dog with Real began.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Sam Bennett. The Calgary Flames rookie became the third youngest player in NHL history to score a hat trick, netting three goals in just one period. He scored a total of four goals in the Flames' 6-0 blanking of the Florida Panthers, which also snapped Florida's 14-game winning streak. Bennett's had such a great week that we won't ruin it by mentioning he plays for one of the worst teams in the league, who represent a city that's most famous for unlivable cold temperatures and people getting frisky at their rodeo.

Honorable Mention: Chicago Bulls guard Jimmy Butler dropped 53 goddamn points in the Bulls' overtime, comeback victory against the 76ers last night.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Chandler Jones. The New England Patriots defensive end was hospitalized this week for smoking synthetic weed. A shirtless Jones initially reported to the Foxborough police station at the crack of dawn, where he wandered aimlessly around the parking lot and appeared to be “actively praying or worshiping." Now that's a bad trip. He's still expected to play in the Patriots' divisional playoff game against the Chiefs on Saturday, where the Pats are hoping he's just as hungry for sacks as he is for Del Taco at 3 a.m.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Former skier and Olympic gold-medalist, Picabo Street (yes, it's sadly pronounced like "peek-a-boo, where are you?!"), has been charged with assault and domestic violence for pushing her 76-year-old father down a flight of stairs.

Quote of the Week
"F*ck Dean Spanos with a bandolier of taxpayer-subsidized dildos. I regret that I have but 2 middle fingers to give him on his way out." - A (former) San Diego Chargers fan expressed his displeasure with Bolts owner Dean Spanos, who's likely shipping the Chargers to LA.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Check out all the action RIGHT HERE!
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