Bobble Beast, The Three Wise Men, & Godzilla.
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Thursday, July 28, 2016

Quick Hits
  • No Fun Zone. Team USA coach Mike Krzyzewski is Dean Vernon Wormer from Animal house. Coach K said the U.S. Olympic basketball squad was having "too much fun" during a 107-57 win over China on Tuesday (thanks in part to DeMar DeRozan's 360 dunk), and went on to say they need to "tone down" the horseplay. "No more fun of any kind!"
  • Going After The First Pick. Blaine Gabbert, who just may be the worst quarterback of all-time, is leading the San Francisco 49ers' QB battle over Colin Kaepernick. "With the first pick of the 2017 NFL Draft, the San Francisco 49ers select..."
  • Brotherly Love. Speaking of the 2017 NFL Draft, next year's edition will be held in Philadelphia, all but assuring that Philly fans will pelt the stage with batteries when the Eagles draft another unappealing player (sorry, Kevin Kolb).
  • Fitz In the Big City. Quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick and the New York Jets finally agreed on a contract (1-year, $12 million), and we could literally feel the breeze from the collective sigh of relief by Jets fans as they'll no longer have to enter the season with incompetent boob Geno Smith as their starting quarterback.
  • Bobble Beast. The Cal Bears will give away a bobblehead of alum Marshawn "Beast Mode" Lynch this fall to commemorate the time he commandeered an injury cart after scoring the winning touchdown in an overtime game against the Washington Huskies in 2006. Please tell us the Seahawks will make a bobblehead commemorating his cock and balls grab next.

The Main Event
WHAT?
The world's top golfers will tee off today in the first round of the 98th PGA Championship, the last of golf's four major championships in 2016. This year's tournament, which will be played at Baltusrol Golf Club in New Jersey, was moved up two weeks from its usual early-August spot to accommodate the Rio Olympics, not that any golfers were planning on going to the Olympics anyway.

WHAT ELSE?
There figures to be stiff competition for this year's purse ($10 million, $1.8 million winner's share), as some familiar names look to claim the top prize. Among the favorites are 2016 U.S. Open winner Dustin Johnson, and two-time PGA Champ Rory McIlroy. Also in the mix are old-man Phil Mickelson, who's looking to become the oldest winner at the tournament ever (46), and Australian Jason Day, who won the Championship last year. Day may have a rough go of it, however, having lost sleep and practice time because his wife ended up in the hospital after suffering an allergic reaction to seafood this week. Was the shellfish dinner sabotaged, à la Mrs. Doubtfire, to throw Day off his game? It's too early to tell, but for the sake of drama, we'll say yes.

THOUGHTS?
Why hasn't Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon done PGA Championship Superlatives since 2014? Fallon's barb at Homer Simpson-esque golfer Kevin Stadler, who was voted "Most likely to wiggle his fingers and say, 'don't mind if I do,' when he sees a donut," was on point. Bring 'em back!

Good Sport
Touch 'Em All
The San Diego Padres won't stop hitting home runs. The Friars tied a National League record by slapping dingers in 25-consecutive games (Atlanta Braves, 1998), with infielders Adam Rosales and Brett Wallace, and outfielder Alex Dickerson going deep in yesterday's 8-4 win over the Toronto Blue Jays. Don't worry, the Padres are still the Padres, having lost seven of their last 10 while holding the sixth-worst record in the majors.

Bad Sport
The Three Wise Men
It's three strikes and they're out some cash for the Dallas Cowboys. Three of their idiot players (Rolando McClain, DeMarcus Lawrence, and Randy Gregory) are suspended for parts of the 2016 season for typical football player reasons (hooray substance abuse!), so the team is now subject to a $250k fine. Thank god Jerry Jones has money to piss away as owner of the recently-crowned world's most valuable franchise.

Honor System Rebels
The NFL claimed that Heads Up Football, a league-backed youth football safety program, reduced injuries by 76% and concussions by 30%. However, a New York Times study revealed the program had "no demonstrable effect on concussions," which means the NFL is full of shit. We're stunned the NFL was less than honest, especially considering they only lied 56 times during "Deflategate."

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS GIF of Godzilla whiffing on a penalty kick. Winner gets the full-body Godzilla costume pictured, and/or a Good Old Sport shirt (our choice).

Send your captions to coach@goodoldsport.com

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
SOCCER. MLS Soccer All-Star Game, MLS All-Stars vs. Arsenal - 7:30pm on ESPN
GOLF. Women's British Open, First-Round Play - 9am on Golf Channel; PGA Championship, First-Round Play - 1pm on TNT
TENNIS. Rogers Cup, Round of 16 Play - 6:30pm on ESPN2
CFL FOOTBALL. Winnipeg at Edmonton - 9pm on ESPN2
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