Kicking When He's Down, Party Puig, & Made Of Glass.
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Monday, August 29, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend

The Main Event
Tony Romo is still made of glass.

The 36-year-old Dallas Cowboys quarterback, who has been plagued by injuries his entire career, suffered a broken back in Thursday's preseason loss to the Seattle Seahawks after getting sacked by defensive end Cliff Avril, and is expected to be out 6-10 weeks. With injuries being the most consistent part of Romo's game, there's no surprise why the Cowboys wanted to return to running the ball. Luckily, they were so shitty last year without Romo (who only played four games due to, no surprise here, another injury) that this year they were able to use their fourth overall pick to draft Ezekiel Elliott. The Cowboys will most likely run Elliott non-stop, especially after he destroyed Seattle's Kam Chancellor in the same game Romo got injured in.

Taking Romo's place will be rookie fourth-round draft pick Dak Prescott, who doesn't have that big of shoes to fill. While Romo's had a statistically successful career, his postseason record is butt. Over the course of 10 seasons as a starter, Romo's only led his Cowboys to the postseason four times and played in six games - two of which they won.

Tony Romo needs to retire. It feels weird for us to pity a guy who used to date Jessica Simpson when she was hot, but his glass bones make us worried that one day he'll snap in half.

Good Sport
A Carlos Thing
Texas Rangers outfielder Carlos Beltran channeled his inner Carlos Boozer by drawing hair on his bald head for last night's game. Afterwards, he said he was doing it as a joke for Rougned Odor. Would Beltran consider being a spokesman for Bosley? Nah, he's plugging (or rather, not plugging) a cheaper alternative.

Bad Sport
Gun Violence
In unfortunate news, Dwyane Wade's cousin, Nykea Aldridge, was killed after being shot in the head and arm while on her way to register her children for elementary school. Aldridge reportedly wasn't the intended target. Don't worry though, Donald Trump used this horrible event to insist "African-Americans will VOTE TRUMP!" while misspelling Dwyane Wade's name as "Dwayne" before deleting and retweeting.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Exhibitionist Bats. The Baltimore Ravens may have been scoring points, but these two bats were straight up scoring. During the Ravens' 30-9 pounding of the Detroit Lions, a couple of bats were pounding it out in the end zone, proving what many already suspected, Buffalo Bills fans have the same IQ as bats (NSFW).

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Bryson White And Ron George. These two Western Michigan University football players reportedly used a gun and knife to rob a fellow female student. God knows what they'd do to students at their rival school if they had the chance.

Quote of the Weekend
"Who has the best video of the year? I can't tell you that. They're all so great and so talented, I could never choose. I couldn't tell you even if there was a gun to my head." - Jimmy Fallon

The Tonight Show host pretended to be Ryan Lochte (including douchey bleached hair) while presenting at this year's VMAs.

What to Watch Tonight (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Mariners at Rangers - 8pm on ESPN
TENNIS. U.S. Open Tennis: First-Round Play - 1pm on ESPN; U.S. Open Tennis: First-Round Play - 6pm on ESPN2
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