Obama's Got Jokes, South Of The Border, & Sid The Kid.
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Friday, February 5, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Obama's Got Jokes. The Golden State Warriors finally got their White House visit to recognize their NBA Finals victory from last year. Obama said he was thankful to host players from the "greatest team in NBA history," and immediately pointed to Warriors head coach Steve Kerr, who played on the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls, Obama's favorite team. Sick burn, POTUS.
  • Super Bowl Superlatives. Jimmy Fallon dished out another round of NFL superlatives on The Tonight Show, this time focusing on Super Bowl 50 participants. Our favorite was a barb at the Broncos' 39-year-old quarterback, Peyton Manning, who was voted, "Most likely to reward his teammates with a Werther's Original."
  • Catching Up. Just decades behind other MLB teams, the Toronto Blue Jays will install a dirt infield for the 2016 season. They previously played on FieldTurf, which drew complaints, and even a near boycott by the Baltimore Orioles, because the weird turf caused a bad bounce that hit infielder Jimmy Paredes in the face. It looks like the Blue Jays will need to find another way to rig their turf for a home-field advantage. Perhaps they can adopt a Buffalo Wild Wings-style sprinkler system that sprays opposing players mid-game?
  • Block Head. Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Antonio Brown is still pissed about the skull-crushing hit that Cincinnati Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict laid on him during their Wild Card game a few weeks back. Brown called Burfict and an "idiot" on The Dan Patrick Show, and was apparently still feeling the effects of the hit when he told his barber to give him "the Lego" haircut.
  • R.I.P. BMX Star, and X Games legend, Dave Mirra died yesterday at age 41 of a self-inflicted gunshot would. We'll always remember coming home after middle school to play Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX 'til our eyes bled. Rest easy.
  • South Of The Border. The Houston Texans and Oakland Raiders are expected to play a game in Mexico City next season, which is likely to have the same number of Hispanics in attendance as any of their usual home games.

The Main Event
WHAT?
Super Bowl 50 is this weekend, which means it's almost time to get up for a beer and a piss during the game so you can get back in time for the commercials.

WHAT ELSE?
Actually, you don't even have to wait for the big game to watch Super Bowl commercials anymore. Most companies release their full commercial, or at least a teaser, online during the week leading up to the game. We can't blame 'em, considering a 30-second spot in the Super Bowl costs $5 million. That's enough money to feed, clothe, school, and inoculate 10,683 needy children for an entire year. It's also half the amount of money needed to purchase Mariah Carey’s Engagement Ring. Thankfully, much like Mariah Carey, these companies are using their millions of dollars of disposable income for a higher purpose: vanity. And Thank God, because we'd shit ourselves if we were deprived of watching Kevin Hart stalk his daughter's date with Hyundai's new "car finder" system, Alec Baldwin endorsing Amazon via soft cheese, or Audi shamelessly playing off of David Bowie's recent death to plug their newest who-gives-a-shit model sedan.

THOUGHTS?
Nothing will ever beat Volkswagen's "The Force" commercial, so why even try?

Good Sport
THE TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGIN'
Move over, rich white guys, because women are coming to take your cushy, NFL front office jobs. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, commonly referred to as "the devil" by his players, managed to do something constructive by announcing an extension of the "Rooney Rule," which will require NFL teams to interview at least one woman when evaluating candidates for executive positions. A timetable for the implementation of this new rule has yet to be determined, but we're certain woman-beater, and NFL free agent, Ray Rice is hoping it takes as long as possible so he doesn't have to sit through an awkward interview with a woman during his search for a new team.

Bad Sport
RIGHT IN THE NADS
This one hurts just thinking about it. San Antonio Spurs shooting guard Manu Ginóbili took a knee to his boys during the Spurs 110-97 win over the New Orleans Pelicans. The now squeaky-voiced Ginóbili underwent "testicular surgery" yesterday, and will be out for at least the next four weeks. Given the extent of the injury, the moment of impact for the unlucky ball must have looked something like the explosion of the Death Star at the end of Star Wars.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Golfer Bubba Watson said he doesn't like the TPC Scottsdale Stadium Course at the 2016 Phoenix Open, and is only playing to make his sponsors happy. A great message for kids to take home with them.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Sidney Crosby. The Pittsburgh Penguins centerman scored a hat trick against the Ottawa Senators this week, and has scored 14 goals in his last 15 games. What's next for Sid the Kid? Completing puberty so he can grow more than 14 hairs in his mustache.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Blake Griffin. Thanks to sneaky paparazzo (TMZ, of course), we've been given our first look at the Los Angeles Clippers star's hand since he broke it last week while punching a member of the Clippers staff. The mangled mitt appears to have swollen to the size of one of those foam-rubber, Hulk fist beer koozies, and is topped off with a sizable scar.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Not only did we find out quarterback Johnny Manziel is getting the boot from the Cleveland Browns next month, we also recently discovered he slapped his ex-girlfriend around and threatened to kill her. Looks like Johnny Manziel has more in common with Jack Nicholson's character in The Shining (Jack Torrance) than we thought. Heeeeere's Johnny!

Quote of the Week
"Them little motherf*ckers come in there, you block that shit!" - J.B. Bickerstaff

The Houston Rockets interim head coach was overheard giving his team sound defensive advice during a team huddle.

Honorable Mention: "Is yo bitch comin' back?" - Marshawn Lynch's response to a photographer when asked if he was coming back to the Seattle Seahawks next year.

Good Old Caption Winner
"The NHL's expansion to Japan is still going better than the NFL's International Series in Europe."

Kudos to Blake Norman for taking a shot at both the NHL and NFL in one fell swoop. An intact Good Sport Pint glass in on the way, depending on how careful the delivery man is...

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
What are you doing this weekend? THIS is what you are doing this weekend.
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