Own Goal Of The Year, Chocolate Stout, & Gronk Tackles Instagram
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Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Don't Forget To Piss. New York Mets ace Matt Harvey has been cleared to play in MLB's season opener (Mets vs. Royals this Sunday) after passing a blood clot that originated in his bladder. Harvey said he developed the clot because he held his "urine in for too long instead of peeing regularly." Yikes. Feel free to take a pee break before reading on. We'll wait right here.
  • Almost Winners. The Philadelphia 76ers, who Jerry Colangelo (76ers chairman of basketball operations) said are "a lot closer than people think" to winning, lost to the Charlotte Hornets last night 100-85, their 10th-straight defeat. It's also the fourth time the Sixers have lost 10 or more games in a row this season. Clearly, it's time to put the delusional Colangelo in a home.
  • Gronk Gets Social. God help us. New England Patriots meathead Rob Gronkowski joined Instagram, and announced his arrival with a video featuring kiddie slides, working out, and getting krunk at the club. Here's to many more drunken, shirtless adventures with @gronk on Instagram.
  • Putting Pals. After receiving a new set of breasts, Caitlyn Jenner signed up for the women's Pro-Am ANA Inspiration golf tournament, which runs from March 28th to April 3rd. When bluntly asked if her new additions would get in the way, Jenner responded "the breasts are really good for putting." Maybe that's what's been missing from our subpar short game all these years...
  • No LeBron, Big Problem. As it turns out, the Cleveland Cavaliers are a one-man team after all. While LeBron James sat out to rest, his Cavs blew a 20-point lead in a never-should-have-happened 106-100 loss to the Houston Rockets.

The Main Event
WHAT?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. U.S. soccer badly needed a pair of wins last night to keep their World Cup and Olympic hopes alive. The United States men's national soccer team (USMNT) pulled through with a World Cup qualifier win against Guatemala, while the under-23 men's national soccer team (U-23 MNT) looked like they had their shoes tied together in a loss to Colombia.

WHAT ELSE?
The USMNT had Guatemala bent over from the start, with striker Clint Dempsey hitting the net just 12 minutes into the match. The goal was Dempsey's 14th in World Cup qualifying play, putting him ahead of never-ending forehead Landon Donovan for most in team history. The Yanks tacked on three more goals en route to a 4-0 win that puts the U.S. in second place within their group, with a great chance to make it to the next World Cup qualifying round. In fact, the win gives them a 92% chance to move on, while a loss would have dropped their chances to 10% according to math.

As for our Olympic chances, we've seen better technique and more finesse from those plastic foosball figurines than was on display from the U-23 MNT last night. They were beaten by Colombia 2-1, a score that doesn't come close to doing the U-23 MNT's ineptitude justice. They were outshot 11-5, and their only goal came courtesy of a Colombia blunder, an own goal. The loss officially eliminates the U.S. from the 2016 Olympic Games, and for those keeping score at home, it's the second straight time U.S. soccer has failed to qualify for the Olympics. This U-23 MNT squad can feel especially proud, because U.S. soccer hadn't missed consecutive Olympics in 48 years.

THOUGHTS?
It could be worse. At least we can rest assured we'll have other sports to get behind at the Olympics... unlike Russia.

Good Sport
Athlete First, Scholar Fifth
The finalists for the John R. Wooden Award, which is given to the best player in college basketball, have been announced. March Madness breakout star Buddy Hield of Oklahoma, Ted Cruz doppelgänger Grayson Allen of Duke, and eight other players were selected as finalists and honored as the 2016 Wooden Award All-American team, with the Player of the Year to be selected on April 8th. Each player must also "excel" off the court to be considered, as players are required to maintain a 2.0 grade average and make "progress towards graduation." Stiff requirements. We can only assume the reading of their midterm grades went a little better than the Delta House boys' of Animal House.

Bad Sport
Own Goal Of The Year
Do yourself a solid and watch this own goal from Syrian Hamdi Al Masri. The Syria keeper blocked a kick right into Hamdi's face, which then ricocheted right back into the goal. Unsurprisingly, Syria lost their World Cup qualifying match against Japan 5-0.
(Dis)Honorable Mention: Houston Rockets rookie Montrezl Harrell, the 32nd overall pick in the 2015 NBA draft, shoved the hell out of a ref in an NBA D-League (minor league basketball) game, and has been suspended five games without pay.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
You made it through half the week, which means you've earned a booze break starring our latest selection for "Wet Your Whistle Wednesday." Because we're hipster douchebags, we're looking at a craft beer this week: Rogue's Chocolate Stout (5.8%).
Here's a beer that's darker than Julianne Hough's blackface Halloween costume, though it looks darker than it drinks thanks to its smooth chocolaty taste. We'd recommend not pairing it with anything because why sully a good thing, but if you must, pour it over some vanilla ice cream to make a beer float that'll blow your hair back. Or pour it on a bowl of Cocoa Puffs before work tomorrow morning for some extra chocolaty goodness. In any case, it's a solid stout that's worth a go. Most BevMos carry it, or if you're too much of a gutless turd to try a dark beer we're sure there's plenty of Keystone Light at your local gas station mini mart.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NHL. Capitals at Flyers - 8pm on NBC Sports
TENNIS. Miami Open, men's and women's quarterfinals - 1pm and 7pm on ESPN2
HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL. McDonald's All-American Game - 9pm on ESPN
FIGURE SKATING. World Championships - 12pm on NBC Sports
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