Rugby Douchebaggery, Boys Watch The Bachelor, & Mush Champ
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Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Good Old Sport's March Madness Mania
There's still time to fill out a Good Old Sport March Madness Bracket! Winner gets $3,700 if they take their $100 American Express gift card for winning the tournament and put it all on a straight-up bet at a Vegas roulette table.

Group Password: "coach"
I'm Feeling Lucky As Hell

Quick Hits
  • First Four Flop. The first two games of the NCAA men's basketball First Four, which gives shit teams a chance to make the March Madness bracket, were duds. Wichita State destroyed Vanderbilt 70-50, and FGCU humiliated Fairleigh Dickinson 95-65, proving that extra shitty teams Vanderbilt and Fairleigh Dickinson didn't even deserve to share the same court with regular shitty teams Wichita State and FGCU.
  • A Patriot's Patriot. New England Patriots safety Nate Ebner is taking leave from the Pats in an attempt to make the U.S. rugby team for the 2016 Rio Summer Olympics. Sorry in advance to all U.S. sports fans outside of the Boston area who may have to root for a member of the Patriots this summer.
  • Homebody. New York Knicks team president Phil Jackson is a shitty executive, and a prima donna. His two-year run with the Knicks has been so bad he's thinking about taking over as coach... but only for home games. You know, because going on the road means not pooping in your own toilet. Eww!
  • No More Teabagging. In a mammoth trade, the New England Patriots dealt Pro Bowl defensive end Chandler Jones to the Arizona Cardinals in exchange for guard Jonathan Cooper and a second round draft pick. The Pats were seeking talent to help fix a porous o-line that allowed opposing defenses to relentlessly sack Brady and rub their "nuts on his face."
  • Date Night. Don't feel bad if you watched The Bachelor finale with your bros, the Minnesota Twins did it too.
  • Goodell Gutted. The NFL and NFL Players' Association are close to agreeing on a deal that would strip Commissioner Roger Goodell of his ability to discipline players. It's probably a good thing, considering this is a man who suspends players an entire year for minor drug infractions (weed), but hands out "slap on the wrist" 2-game bans to players who beat the shit out of their spouses.

The Main Event
We're in the midst of the 2016 ICC World Twenty20! You know, that giant international cricket tournament you've never heard of.

Well, it's actually Twenty20 cricket, a short form of regular cricket that takes about three hours to play. And thank Christ we're talking short form, because standard, or "First-Class," cricket takes about three to five days to play. Ain't nobody got time for that! The Twenty20 tournament features 16 teams/countries, with play running from March 8th to April 3rd. Sri Lanka is the defending champion, although tournament host India is favored to take it all this year. Not that you would know it by their opening game yesterday against New Zealand, who hilariously blew out India by 47 runs.

The United States isn't participating because our cricket is called baseball, but there's still plenty of intrigue to be found here. For example, Pakistani team captain Shahid Afridi was accused of "committing treason" because he said he enjoyed playing in India more than his home country. The investigation into his comments are still ongoing, but his remarks are perceived as "insensitive" enough to make his "life vulnerable." If someone getting potentially stoned to death for high treason isn't considered good old-fashioned sports entertainment, we don't want to know what is.

Good Sport
The Real Dog Whisperer
American dog musher Dallas Seavey won his third Iditarod (dog sledding) championship in a row, and fourth in the last five years. Seavey set a new course record (breaking his own) with a time of 8 days, 11 hours, 20 minutes, and 16 seconds. The "Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race" is an annual long-distance race in Alaska that stretches for 1,000 miles over some of the roughest terrain in the world. Such an event truly takes incredible athleticism to shout commands from the comfort of a sled while a pack of animals do 100% of the work. But if Seavey can get results like these out of his dogs, imagine what Cesar "The Dog Whisperer" Millan could accomplish... if he's able to wiggle his way out of that animal abuse investigation.

Honorable Mention: Only in soccer could you possibly make history by tying. Manchester City's 0-0 draw against Dynamo Kiev last night pushed City through to the Premier League's final eight for the first time in club history. Elsewhere, Atlético Madrid outlasted PSV Eindhoven on penalties (8-7), and will move on to the quarterfinals for the third straight year. The quarterfinal draw will be held on March 18th, with the first two legs beginning on April 5th.

Bad Sport
Knuckle Sandwich
An Australian rugby player is facing a lifetime ban for opening a can of whupass on a referee and his own coach. After being ejected from a junior rugby match, the 16-year-old rained down blows upon a referee before being pulled back by his coach. The coach was immediately thanked for the gesture by being force-fed a knuckle sandwich from the rambunctious little scamp. On the plus side, after MMA fighters Conor McGregor and Ronda Rousey saw their stars fall with crushing, brand-killing losses, the UFC is probably looking for a brash, violent new star.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: The rugby douchebaggery doesn't stop there. Wales player Tomas Francis was banned eight weeks for performing a Blade Runner-style eye gouge on English star Dan Cole, while England's Joe Marler is waiting for a possible suspension for calling Samson "big head, tiny face" Lee of Wales a "Gypsy boy." Apparently the NFL has some competition for world's scummiest sports league after all.

Never Forget
To keep your eye on the ball beer, no matter what the sport. Never Forget.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Thunder at Celtics - 7pm on ESPN; Clippers at Rockets - 9:30pm on ESPN
NHL. Flyers at Blackhawks - 8pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. NIT Tournament: Georgia vs. Belmont - 7pm on ESPN2; First Four: Holy Cross vs. Southern U. - 6:30pm on TruTV; NIT Tournament: Georgia Tech vs. Houston - 9pm on ESPN2; First Four: Michigan vs. Tulsa - 9pm on TruTV
SOCCER. UEFA Champions League: Barcelona vs. Arsenal - 3:30pm on Fox Sports 1
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