$3 Million Abortion, Collect 'Em All, & A Mayonnaise Sandwich.
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Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Take This How You Will. Bill Belichick would jump in bed with Trump if given the chance, and judging by last night's surprising events, he isn't alone. The Patriots coach penned a letter, which was read at a Trump rally on Monday night, where he called The Donald an "ultimate competitive fighter" who ran a "tremendous campaign." Get a room.
  • Misogyny In Seattle. Some drunk Seahawks fan called Buffalo Bills quality control coach Kathryn Smith a "waitress," then proceeded to ask for a Pepsi. The fan wasn't served with a Pepsi, but did receive a slap and mean-mug from the gal next to him in the stands.
  • Bush Hush. Buffalo Bills running back Reggie Bush (we can't believe he's still in the league either) reportedly paid his mistress $3 million to have an abortion and keep quite about it. Unfortunately for Bush, she kept the baby... and the money.
  • Nope. Watch these daredevils surf and BASE jump from a zipline if you want to vomit from acrophobia this morning.

The Main Event
Let's not rush into calling Steph Curry a washed up dirtbag quite yet.

Just one game after failing to register a three-pointer (for the first time in an NBA record 157-straight games), the Golden State Warriors' star set a single-game NBA record by sinking 13 three-pointers against the very lowly New Orleans Pelicans (0-8). Curry broke his own record (12), which he shared with Kobe Bryant (2003) and Donyell Marshall (2005), whose greatest career accomplishment, aside from his 2005 miracle three-point game, is us mentioning his name right now.

It remains to be seen if Curry will surpass his record 402 three-pointers in a season from a year ago (he won't), but dropping a baker's dozen will certainly help.

The best part of Curry hitting 13, by far, was his celebratory dance(?) where he briefly turned into the walking dead (above).

Good Sport
Cubs Win! x4
We have good news for Cubs fans! In a thinly-veiled ploy to boost magazine sales, Sports Illustrated is selling four different commemorative Cubs covers to celebrate their historic World Series title. Help the dying print industry out by collecting all four!
Honorable Mention: The miracle worker is at it again. God's favorite son, Tim Tebow, hit a walk-off single on Monday night to give his Scottsdale Scorpions (New York Mets' Arizona Fall League team) a 4-3 win. Next stop: Cooperstown.

Bad Sport
ESPN; That Channel You Used To Watch
The worldwide leader in sports is in a world of shit. ESPN lost an incredible 600,000 subscribers in October, and is on track to lose 3 million by the end of the year. As overly-critical NFL fans, we'd like to place 100% of the blame on Monday Night Football, which has been a runny dump this year for a couple of reasons. A) Sean McDonough, who replaced good-guy Mike Tirico as the play-by-play announcer, has as much personality as a sack lunch, and he looks like a mayonnaise sandwich. B) Every game (sans this week's) has been an unwatchable blowout. Not to mention, Stephen A. Smith is still on the network. Good luck, ESPN, we'll be streaming Stranger Things on Netflix for the fourth time.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
For this week's booze selection, we have something that's sure to get the foul taste of this election out of your mouth: The Pickleback. 
The Pickleback couldn't be simpler to make, and thank Christ because months of watching Trump and Hillary has turned our brains into mush. Simply chase a shot of whiskey, preferably a shitty one, with a shot of pickle brine. The shot of pickle juice will nuetralize the taste of the whiskey (which is why we said to shoot a shitty one) and ease the burn of the ethyl alcohol (science, bitch). Plus, if you suck down enough of these this weekend you'll smell like pickles for National Pickle Day on Monday. Besides, anything that's good enough for running back Jay Ajayi to drink jar fulls of on the sideline is good enough for us.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA. Nets at Knicks - 4pm on ESPN; Rockets at Spurs - 6:30pm on ESPN
NHL. Blackhawks at Blues - 5pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE FOOTBALL. Toledo vs. Northern Illinois - 5pm on ESPN2
Link of the Day: The election happened, so here's an all-hamster version of Seinfeld called "Hamsterfeld."
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