Nintendo Crybaby, Farts Are Funny, & Head Explosion.
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Friday, June 3, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Farts Are Funny, Losing Isn't. Despite the ability to make himself laugh with fart machines, there was nothing for Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert to smile about last night during the Cavs' 104-89, Game 1 loss in the NBA Finals. Not only did the Golden State Warriors have six players score double-digit points, but the dirtiest player in the NBA, Cavs guard Matthew Dellavedova, added another cheap play to his resume by slapping Andre Iguodala in the dick.
  • Have Faith. A Chicago Cubs fan got a "World Series Champions" tattoo with the years "1907, 1908, and 201_" inked on his arm. This begs the question; why not have it read "20_ _" to give yourself a little room for error? Oh ya, because premature championship tattoos always work out.
  • Fun Fact. By Saturday night, the Bay Area will have hosted the Super Bowl, NBA Finals, and NHL Stanley Cup Finals this year, thanks in large part to their stellar NBA (Warriors) and NHL (Sharks) teams, and thanks in no part to their shitty football teams (ya, we're talkin' about you, Niners and Raiders).
  • Mean Tweets. Jimmy Kimmel put out another edition of NBA "Mean Tweets," with our favorite being; "Pretty sure Reggie Miller's ears provide WiFi." Check out the rest here, which includes a shot at Steph Curry's delayed puberty.

The Main Event
Today is the start of Copa América 2016, and with that, it's time for the United States men's soccer team to embarrass themselves on a world stage yet again.

Copa América is an international soccer tournament traditionally held every four years for South American soccer teams, although countries from outside the continent are usually invited to play because there aren't enough registered confederations within South America. The last Copa América was in 2015, which should automatically make you think, "Hey, 2015 wasn't four years ago!" Good job, slugger... math is cool! As this is the 100th year of the tournament, a special edition of Copa América (known as Copa América Centenario) will be played outside of the four year cycle and will be hosted by the United States, making this the first time the tournament won't be held in South America. Argentina has been tapped by many as the favorite, which sucks because they've already won it 14 times (second most all-time to Uruguay; 15). We're still holding out hope the U.S. will tie their best finish ever at Copa; fourth place in 1995 (yay!). We'll find out when the 16-team tournament ends on June 26th.

Regardless of how shitty the U.S. will probably do, it'll be awesome to see a ton of world-class players (like Lionel Messi and Luis Suarez) compete in U.S. stadiums. We imagine it'll be like when the Cleveland Browns play host to the New England Patriots, and all-world talents like Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski come to town... finally a chance to appreciate true greatness on your own soil in an otherwise talentless void.

Good Sport
Head Explosion
We've got the announcement of a lifetime if you're a rock-climbing black-belt who loves to skate to the ball park after a good surfing sesh. The IOC (International Olympic Committee) announced their support of a proposal that could bring karate, skateboarding, sports climbing, surfing and baseball/softball to the 2020 Olympics. The aforementioned super-athlete's head just exploded.

Bad Sport
Nintendo Crybaby
Either San Jose Sharks forward Logan Couture is a sore loser, or Pittsburgh Penguins centerman Sidney Crosby is just that good. Couture claims Crosby cheats at face-offs by timing them, and gets away with it "because of who he is." Couture pointed to a play Crosby drew up on a face-off in Game 2 to seal a win for the Penguins as Exhibit A. It's true that Crosby wins a lot of face-offs (71% in Game 2), but this sounds more like a little kid whining because his older brother won't let him win at Nintendo. Either way, Couture's strategy of "crying wolf" will draw all eyes to Crosby during face-offs in Game 3 tomorrow night.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Toronto Raptors center Bismack Biyombo has been suspended for the first game of the 2016-2017 NBA season for giving Kevin Love a "people's elbow" to the face during a May 27th playoff game.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Bethany Hamilton. The pro surfer, who got her arm ripped off by a tiger shark when she was 13, pulled off a pair of major upsets at the World Surf League's Fiji Women's Pro by knocking off world champion Stephanie Gilmore and top-ranked surfer Tyler Wright. Hamilton ended up in third after losing to Johanne Defay, but Defay has two arms, so color us not impressed.

Honorable Mention: LA Dodgers pitcher Clayton Kershaw is officially a BAMF. He was named the NL Pitcher of the Month (for the sixth time in his career, most in Dodgers' history) after leading the NL in ERA (0.91), innings pitched (49.6), and strikeouts (65) in May.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
David Alaba. The heedless Austrian soccer player submitted a bid for "Own Goal of the Year" with this gem. The thing about passing the ball back to your goalie is... you should probably check to make sure he's there first.

Quote of the Week
"I'm to blame for the way I was [portrayed], because I was a dumbass. I was straight stupid, and I'll be the first to admit it" - Barry Bonds

The former MLB juicer, and current Miami Marlins hitting coach, admitted he was his own worst enemy in generating his persona as baseball's biggest villain.

Good Old Caption Winner
"As this is the bat’s first domestic violence offense, the commissioner determined it will be suspended for 50 games. The Indians are expected to appeal." - Connor Berry

Credit to Connor for recognizing this bat as a violent offender that deserves a lengthy suspension. Although, if the bat's appeal process is anything like Tom Brady's, its suspension won't be served until 2046. Enjoy your baseball tee and koozies while this lengthy legal battle plays out.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
There's a lot of shit going on this weekend. Check it out right here.
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