Fireworks Are Dangerous, Elderly Gigolo, & Pee Battle.
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Friday, July 1, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Be Careful, Kids. New York Giants defensive end, and fireworks victim, Jason Pierre-Paul's PSA about fireworks safety finally came out, and we can count on his 7 1/2 fingers why it's so effective.
  • No Pants? No Problem. After overcoming an unexpected sprinkler shower and some pantless dipshit who ran onto the pitch, Portugal took out Poland in penalty kicks (5-3) after regulation time ended in a 1-1 draw. With the win, Portugal will move on to the Euro semifinals for the second-straight time.
  • Dear God. 325-pound NFL lineman Vince Wilfork made one of the regional covers for ESPN's "Body Issue." For perspective, one of his thighs looks to be the approximate size and weight of a Mini Cooper. Behold.
  • Quick Change. 23-year-old golfer Daniel Berger withdrew from the PGA Tour's WGC-Bridgestone tournament with an injury yesterday after hitting just one tee shot, but still made $50,500 (last-place award money). Where's our cash prize for leaving work right after a quick cup of morning coffee?

The Main Event
WHAT?
This Saturday marks the start of the 103rd Tour de France, which is perhaps America's favorite international sporting event to cheat at. #Livestrong

WHAT ELSE?
The Tour de France is the most prominent multiple-stage bicycle race in the world, with the 2016 edition to feature 22 teams of nine riders, and 21 stages covering 3,519 kilometers (2,186 miles), which is about the distance from Los Angeles to Detroit (2,282 miles). So who's going to win this long-ass race? Probably British cyclist Chris Froome, who's won the Tour de France two of the last three years. If not Froome, Colombian Nairo Quintana is expected to make a push. Who's not going to win? Probably any American. Washingtonian Tejay van Garderen appears to be our only shot, and he's just barely mentioned among the contenders.

THOUGHTS?
We're still holding out hope that intrusive, trident-wielding, Borat thong-wearing, guitar-shredding fans will knock the frontrunners off their game so van Garderen can sneak in a win for old glory by race's end on July 24th.

Good Sport
Chanticleers Are Champs
After a one-day rain delay, the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers beat the Arizona Wildcats 4-3 to win the College Baseball World Series, which is the school's first national championship in any sport. Arizona likely lost the will to win after seeing their fans' inability to execute a high-five, as shown in this tragically-dreadful attempt between two Wildcats fans.

Who Needs The DH?
The San Francisco Giants declined to use a designated hitter last night against the Oakland A's, allowing pitcher Madison Bumgarner to bat for himself. It was the first time a manager gave up the DH since 1976, and Giants skipper Bruce Bochy looked like a genius because Bumgarner hit a double in his first at bat, which triggered a six-run third inning that culminated in a Giants' 12-6 win. Hopefully this will lead to more plate appearances for other pictures, namely, New York Mets fat man Bartolo Colón, who's head is so chunky it squeezes out of his helmet nearly every time he swings.

Bad Sport
Pee Battle
Filipino MMA fighters Kiko Matos and Baron Geisler got into a pissing contest of sorts when Matos sprayed Geisler with a bottle of pee at a weigh-in before their fight. Officials tried to downplay the story by saying it was just beer, but Matos yelling, "Baron, drink my piss" suggests otherwise. Kudos to Matos for having a line ready before pulling the trigger, much like John Wilkes Booth did when he yelled out "Sic semper tyrannis" just after pulling the trigger on Honest Abe. Two assassinations unfolding as poetry in motion. Matos and Geisler's two-round fight ended in a draw.

Suspensions Aplenty
The NFL has suspended boozerrific free agent quarterback Johnny Manziel four games for substance abuse, in a league he technically doesn't even play in. In other NFL suspension news, Dallas Cowboys linebacker Rolando McClain was suspended 10 games for the same offense. Don't worry, Cowboys fans, he'll be back right in time for the playoff run you won't have this season.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Michael Phelps. The U.S. swimmer qualified for his fifth Olympic Games this week, making him the first male American swimmer to make five Olympics. Meanwhile, fellow swimmer Ryan Lochte, a bro-king who only has time for one-night-stands (according to his mother), also qualified despite nursing a groin injury. Now that Lochte's made it, we're concerned the 350,000 Zika-proof condoms provided to the Olympic village won't be enough for his suddenly effective groin.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Rio. Human body parts washed up on shore in Rio just yards from the Olympic beach volleyball stadium. It may sounds appalling, but we have to remember that finding body parts on a beach in Rio (one of the most dangerous cities in the world) is probably as common as finding a bottle cap or an empty Capri Sun juice pouch on a U.S. beach.

Quote of the Week
"I thought God put me on earth to entertain people on the baseball field... but he actually put me on earth to get women off... I’m like Picasso" - Lenny Dykstra

The former MLB All-Star pictures himself as an artist... that bangs grandmothers. Dykstra elaborated on the above by saying elderly women with "brittle bones" pay him for companionship, effectively making him the grossest gigolo in human history.

Honorable Mention: Serbian tennis player Viktor Troicki lost his shit after what he thought was a bad call by an umpire in his Wimbledon loss, screaming, "you're worst umpire ever, in the world! You're an idiot, I'm sorry to tell you that." Elsewhere, French player Gilles Simon is threatening to sue a Wimbledon ump over a bad call. So everything's going great at Wimbledon.

Good Old Caption Winner
"So these nuns caved to gluttony and pride with copious beers and selfies, big deal. Anyone living a life of celibacy should be allowed to dip their toes in the Seven Deadly Sins once in a while." - Austin Reynolds

Kudos to Austin for attempting to save these nuns' souls from eternal hellfire. Your prize is a Good Old Sport baseball tee, and may god have mercy on your soul.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Kick some ass this Fourth of July weekend by watching these dope sports.

America's Birthday
Like you, we'll be celebrating America's 240th birthday this weekend by enjoying the hell out of our freedom, so count on us being inebriated and/or indisposed for the next several days. We'll see you back here on Wednesday. Happy Fourth!
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