Roger Goodell Is Dead, Sticky Icky, & Return To Sender.
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Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Quick Hits

The Main Event
WHAT?
Bud Light is to Budweiser what the 2016 NCAA Outdoor Track and Field Championships are to the Rio Summer Olympics. Sure, the NCAA Championships might be a watered-down version of the summer games, but they'll satisfy our thirst for track and fields sports until we get to enjoy the real deal in August.

WHAT ELSE?
Starting today, America's top collegiate athletes will compete in Olympic-style events like relay races, hurdles, shot put, long jump, pole vault, and many more, for the right to be crowned national champions. The University of Oregon has been top dog the last few years, with the women's team winning the national title last year, while the men's team are two-time defending champs. Their road to repeat figures to be much tougher this year, with the Kentucky women's and Texas A&M men's teams currently ranked #1. If Oregon expects to retain their championship crown, they'll have to lean on athletes like distance runner Edward Cheserek, who has already won 13 NCAA titles. Other athletes to watch at the Championships are NCAA 400m record-holder Courtney Okolo (Texas), and LSU's Nethaneel Mitchell-Blake, the best 200m sprinter in the country. You can check out the full schedule of events, which run through June 11th, right here.

THOUGHTS?
The University of Oregon will once again host the games, as they have for the last three years in a row. Isn't that some bullshit the NCAA keeps letting Eugene host as Oregon keeps winning? Kentucky, last year's runner-up (women), and Florida, runner-up for the last two years (men), probably think so. Spread the hosting wealth, will ya?

Good Sport
$erena Cashes In
Tennis star Serena Williams may have finished in second place at The French Open last weekend, but she came in first as the highest paid sportswoman in the world, having passed drug enthusiast Maria Sharapova ($21.9 million) with $28.9 million in earnings over the past 12 months. In an effort to avoid ruining our female readers' days, we'll barely mention Serena made just 9.6% of what boxer Floyd Mayweather, the highest-paid male athlete in 2015, made ($300 million, and yes... he just paid for a $7.7 million house in cash). It's bullshit, we know. Serena thinks so too.

Honorable Mention: Comeback City, Population: Auburn Tigers. Auburn's softball team erased a seven run deficit to take Game 2 of the Women's College World Series over the Oklahoma Sooners with a final score of 11-7. They'll play a series-deciding Game 3 tomorrow night.

Bad Sport
Return To Sender
The IOC (International Olympic Committee) will likely play the part of "Indian Giver" thanks to retests of doping samples taken from weightlifting athletes who participated in the 2008 Beijing and 2012 London Summer Olympic Games. 20 samples tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in initial tests, which includes samples from medal winners. Friendly reminder to these athletes that FedEx offers door-to-door delivery for when they'll inevitably have to ship back their medals.

Update: After initial reports suggested Denver Broncos cornerback Aqib Talib was shot at a Dallas strip club, it has now been revealed Talib may have accidentally shot himself in the leg, but he was "too intoxicated to remember what happened." Congrats to Talib on joining former NFL receiver Plaxico Burress in the exclusive self-inflicted gunshot wound club, where this cop is president.

Fan of the Week
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell may not be dead, but he's definitely still an incompetent asshole. This fan let him know as much at the Jim Kelly Celebrity Classic golf tournament this week when they posed for a photo together.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
For this week's booze selection, we've chosen a pub classic that celebrates the importance of diversity: The Black and Tan.
A black and tan is made by layering a stout on top of a pale ale in a pint glass (we prefer Guinness over Bass). The lower density of the stout allows it to rest on top of the pale ale without coalescing (science, bitch!). Segregation is key with this drink, so it's important to be careful when pouring the stout onto the pale ale, otherwise you'll end up with a drink that has mixed to achieve racial harmony, which makes for a subpar Black & Tan. Fill your pint glass a little more than halfway with pale ale, then pour your stout slowly over an upside soon like so to achieve demarcation. Now you have a dope looking beer that starts creamy and settles into a crisp finish. Cheers!

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NBA FINALS. Game 3: Warriors at Cavaliers - 9pm on ABC (Warriors lead 2-0)
SOCCER. Copa America Centenario: Brazil vs. Haiti - 7:30pm on Fox Sports 1
WOMEN'S SOFTBALL. Women's College World Series: Finals Game 3, Oklahoma vs. Auburn - 8pm on ESPN (series tied 1-1)
TRACK AND FIELD. NCAA Championships, Day 1 - 8:30pm on ESPN2
OBSTACLE COURSE RACING. American Ninja Warrior - 11pm on NBC
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