Mortal Kombat, Beer Showers, & Drug Runners.
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Monday, February 8, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend

The Main Event
Von Miller and the Denver Broncos’ suffocating defense smothered Cam Newton and the Carolina Panthers to win Super Bowl 50.

Panthers quarterback Cam Newton, who led the highest scoring offense in the NFL, looked lost against the league’s No.1 defense. Newton was sacked seven times (tied for most in Super Bowl history), including a first quarter strip-sack by Broncos linebacker and Super Bowl MVP, Von Miller, which was recovered in the end zone to give the Broncos an early 10-0 edge, a lead they would not relinquish for the rest of the game. Denver’s ferocious D would go on to force four total turnovers, and torment Cam Newton to the point where his knees literally buckled, reducing him to a blubbering heap (pictured).

It’s a good thing Denver’s defense stepped up, because their offense didn’t do shit. Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, the oldest quarterback to ever start and win a Super Bowl (39, going on 79 years old), played the part as he completed just 13 passes for 141 yards, threw an interception, and lost a fumble. Regardless, the Broncos' 24-10 victory in Super Bowl 50 will be remembered as Peyton’s night. In his 200th career victory (passing Brett Favre for most in NFL history), Manning collected his second Super Bowl ring, writing the perfect ending to his storybook NFL career… if he retires. In a postgame interview, Manning said he would “drink a lot of beer tonight” before committing to a decision. +10 bro points.

The commercials were unwatchable this year. They usually are, but the stink emanating off this year’s marketing dump was particularly foul. The one dung beetle of an ad that crawled to the top, solely for its recall ability, was the Puppymonkeybaby Mountain Dew commercial. It sucked something fierce, but was weird enough for us to remember, and is therefore the "winning" ad for Super Bowl 50.

Editor's Note: Good Old Sport correctly predicted both Conference Championship games AND the Super Bowl. If you're interested in a palm reading, let us know.

Good Sport
Filled with caddie races, robots hitting holes-in-one, and beer showers, the Waste Management Open is more like a frat party than your standard day at the links. On the last day of the tournament and up two-strokes, Rickie Fowler crushed a 360-yard drive on the 17th hole, but the ball sailed past the green and into the water, allowing Hideki Matsuyama to take the lead. Fowler would force overtime by sinking a 10-foot birdie putt on 18, but eventually lost the tournament after hitting another ball into the drink. Matsuyama was crowned champion, and, like someone experiencing a prom date no-show, Fowler was left crying. Tears included, Fowler had a much better time at the Open than Bubba Watson, who, after mentioning he was only "there because of his sponsors," was called a "f*cking loser" and received a constant downpour of boos, making us wish all golf tournaments were just like this one.

Bad Sport
Ma's Family Army, the nickname given to Chinese national running coach Ma Junren and his runners, is in more trouble than your stomach if you were to actually eat traditional Chinese food. The IAAF just learned of letters written back in 1995 from world record-holder Wang Junxia, and nine other top runners, claiming coach Ma forced them to take "large doses of illegal drugs over the years." If they refused, he would personally inject them with drugs anyway. Coach Ma was fired in 2000 after six of his athletes failed drug tests, so, yeah, these claims seem pretty on point. This revelation could shake up the record books, as Wang currently holds the world record in both the 10,000m (by over 20 seconds) and 3,000m races.

G.O.A.T.(S) of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
NFL Hall Of Famers. The NFL Pro Football Hall of Fame class of 2016 was revealed Saturday night at the NFL Honors Show, which was led by quarterback Brett Favre, and also included Tony Dungy, Kevin Greene, Marvin Harrison, Orlando Pace, Eddie DeBartolo Jr., Ken Stabler, and Dick Stanfel. Celebrity Apprentice washout, and the NFL's #2 all-time leading reciever (15,934 yards), Terrell Owens, was the notable omission from this year's class that everyone will be talking about, especially human race card dispenser, Stephen A. Smith.

Honorable Mention: NFL Honors award winners included Cam Newton (Most Valuable Player, Offensive Player of the Year), J.J. Watt (Defensive Player of the Year), Eric Berry (Comeback Player of the Year), and many more.

Honorable Mention: Conan O'Brien killed it as host of the 2016 NFL Honors Show, dealing out gems like; "I noticed we had an empty seat tonight. Apparently, on his way to the auditorium, Vikings kicker Blair Walsh missed the entrance by about 15 feet." He also managed to compare commentator Joe Buck's appearance to "any Swedish Lesbian," which was both accurate and appreciated.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Jeremy Shockey. The former NFL bad boy is now a real-life bad boy. Shockey is being investigated by the FBI for his potential role in an international drug and gambling ring. Shockey was as bro as could be when denying allegations, telling the New York Post, "I’m a straight businessman. I don’t hang out with drug dealers or prostitutes. I’m here with my girlfriend making out, and I get a knock on my door from these agents. I said to them, ‘Come on in. I got nothing to hide.” Kudos to Shockey for going out of his way to boast about a make-out session like a sixth grader would. Can we bring him up on douchebag charges too, please?

Quote of the Weekend
"About time we got a close game to play in" - Steve Kerr

The Golden State Warriors head coach brought out the smug when addressing his team during the Dub's tight, 116-108 win over the Oklahoma City Thunder. To be fair, Kerr and the Warriors have room to gloat, having won 41 straight home games, and tying an NBA record for the most wins through 50 games (46).

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Louisville at Duke - 7pm on ESPN; (women's) Connecticut at South Carolina - 7pm on ESPN2; St. John's at Georgetown - 7pm on Fox Sports 1; Texas at Oklahoma - 9pm on ESPN; Maryland at Ohio State - 9pm on ESPN2
WWE. Monday Night Raw - 11pm on USA
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