Hacksaw Smithers, Montezuma's Revenge, & A Puppy!
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Friday, November 18, 2016

Friday Fun
  • There's Something In The Water. And it's probably some kind of bacteria that'll turn your vital organs into liquid shit (we've brought in George Carlin to explain). The Houston Texans have been advised to not leave their hotel room and to not order room service while they're in Mexico City for a Monday Night Football game against the Oakland Raiders.
  • DGAF. Golden State Warriors guard Klay Thompson is too damn cool, as is evident by this post-game interview where he paused to take a swig of a Coors Light.
  • Don't Call It A Comeback. Hey! Johnny Manziel is getting those domestic violence chargers dropped. Step 1 of 10,854 toward getting his career back as an NFL quarterback is complete. Don't call it a comeback! No really, don't.
  • Proud Moment. Remember when Joe Paterno, former Penn State Football head coach and accessory to child abuse, broke his leg on the sideline when a player smashed into it? Detroit Lions linebacker DeAndre Levy sure as hell remembers, because he was the one that broke it as a member of the Wisconsin Badgers. So how does Levy feel about it? Why, breaking that "scumbag's" leg was the "proudest moment" of his collegiate career.
  • Puppy! Yale's football team, The Bulldogs, has a new mascot named Handsome Dan XVIII. You don't want to know what happened to the other 17 Handsome Dans, but you can probably guess.

The Main Event
The ATP World Tour is coming to a close, so what the hell does that mean?

The 2016 ATP World Tour Finals is the last event of the season for the 2016 ATP World Tour, which is the preeminent men’s professional tennis circuit. For reference, the World Tour includes all the top tennis tourneys like Wimbledon, the U.S. Open, and the Davis Cup. The ATP Finals, which began on Sunday and is being played in London’s O2 Arena, feature the world’s top eight singles players and doubles teams, but we really only give a shit about two players: Great Britain’s Andy Murray and Serbia’s Novak Djokovic. Murray and Djokovic currently stand at No. 1 and No. 2 (respectively) in the ATP TOUR Rankings, but that could change depending on the outcome of the ATP Finals. Should they meet in the semifinals during the last day of the tournament this Sunday, the winner will secure the No. 1 ranking to close out 2016.

Regardless of the outcome, we’re not going to feel bad for either of these bros. To this point in the ATP World Tour, Murray has the most tournament titles (8), while Djokovic has brought in the most coin ($11,226,567).

Good Sport
LeBron "Deep Pockets" James
Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James is respectable and has "f*ck you" money. His foundation, the LeBron James Family Foundation, and longtime business partner, Maverick Carter, have announced they're donating $2.5 million to fund a Muhammad Ali exhibit at the Smithsonian National Museum of African American History. Somewhere out there, Muhammad Ali is still dead.

Bad Sport
Shame On You
The Washington Wizards are so goddamn bad (3-8) they made your little brother cry. Look at this shit, Wizards. How do you sleep at night?

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Katie Ledecky. 'Member her? The 19-year-old American swimmer who left an ocean of inferior swimmers in her wake as she won four gold medals at the Rio Olympics? Well, she's still lapping her opponents (literally), having shattered an NCAA record by winning a 1,000-yard freestyle race during a meet in Texas by 34.85 seconds, also known as your average finishing time.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Tony Romo. The Dallas Cowboys' (now former) starting quarterback issued an emotional statement Tuesday night, admitting that rookie QB Dak Prescott has earned the right to be the Cowboys’ starter. The 11-year Romo-era comes to an end with a grand total of one playoff win, as the established veteran is thrown out on his ass for a flashy rookie. Drew Bledsoe feels you, homie.

Quote of the Week
"What do you think of Terrell Suggs and how he’s been playing this year?" - Hacksaw Smithers

It's not so much the quote as who it was delivered by. Baltimore Ravens baby-toothed linebacker Terrell Suggs posed as "Hacksaw Smithers" while dropping in on a Dak Prescott interview. Lucky for Dak, he didn't take the opportunity to talk shit on Suggs, aka Sizzle, aka T-Sizzle, aka Hacksaw Smithers.

Good Old Caption Winner
"Somebody learned how to dance at Cotillion." - Terry Reese

Yes, Terry, this is indeed an overly-elegant dance for an asshole football player. Remember your beer-filled koozie should be placed at 2 o'clock as it relates to your plate.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
We've got plenty of good shit on tap for you this weekend.
Link of the Day: A new trailer for Kong: Skull Island came out, and yes, we agree Brie Larson is a total smoke-show.
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