Curry Is Human, Vanilla Ice, & Skitchin'
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Monday, March 21, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend
  • Human After All. Golden State Warriors point guard Steph Curry did his best 2016 Kobe Bryant impression in Saturday night's 87-79 loss to the San Antonio Spurs. Curry had his worst game of the year, making just four of 18 field goals and hitting only one of his 12 three-point attempts. The win extended the Spurs' home winning streak to 44 games, which is the second longest in NBA history (Warriors).
  • Bye Bye Brow. The NBA lost one of its greatest players, and inarguably its best unibrow, for the remainder of the season. New Orleans Pelicans forward Anthony Davis is out for the year due to shoulder/knee injuries.
  • Could Be Worse. Your face is more intact this morning than Milwaukee Brewers' outfielder Rymer Liriano's. He was hit in the face by a pitch during a spring training game against the Los Angeles Dodgers yesterday. Liriano, who was "gushing" blood from the nose and sporting a severely swollen left eye, was removed from the field on a stretcher and taken to a local hospital, where it was later discovered he suffered multiple facial fractures. Monday doesn't seem so bad now after all now, does it?

The Main Event
The March Madness field has been whittled down to 16 teams, know as the "Sweet 16." And much like MTV's My Super Sweet 16, we expect it to be filled with drama and tears, but not because Audrey's stupid mom ruined the party. Let's take a look at how we got to the final 16.

  • After upsetting No. 3 West Virginia in the opening round, No. 14 Stephen F. Austin lost to No. 6 Notre Dame 76-75 thanks to a tip-in by Rex Pflueger with just 1.5 seconds left in the game.
  • No. 11 Norther Iowa topped No. 6 Texas 75-72 thanks to Paul Jesperson and his buzzer-beater half-court bank. Wonder if he called it...
  • No. 4 Kentucky lost to No. 5 Indiana 73-67, which will not only keep Kentucky out of the Sweet 16, but also out of the Final Four for the first time in five years.
  • No. 2 Michigan State blew it with a 90-81 loss against No.15 Middle Tennessee State University, completely obliterating every bracket in America in the process. Fittingly, Middle Tennessee was blown out 75-50 in their next game against No. 10 Syracuse.
  • No. 7 Wisconsin took down No. 2 Xavier 66-63 with a ridiculous, three-point buzzer-beater, leaving Xavier fan Bill Murray saddened and stunned.
  • Despite some close games, the No. 1, 2, 3, and 4 teams in the West are all playing in the Sweet 16, and is the only division that appears to have been ranked properly.
  • 37.5% of the teams playing in the Sweet 16 are from the ACC. For all the non-math people out there, that means 6 of 16 teams, an NCAA record.
Everyone loves a Cinderella story, but all four No. 1 teams (Oregon, Kansas, North Carolina, Virginia) are still standing, making everyone hate people like Janice from accounting, who picked the higher ranked team in every game and has a way better bracket than you.

Good Sport
Doghouse Bail Money?
28-year-old Australian golfer Jason Day collected his eighth career PGA Tour victory with a win (-17) at the Arnold Palmer Invitational, narrowly beating American Kevin Chappell by a stroke. Perhaps Day can use the $1,134,000 winner's share to schmooze his wife into forgiving him for the time he made no effort to protect her (in the photo it looks like he actively tried to get out of the way) when LeBron James barreled into their court-side seats, taking her out and sending her to the hospital.

No Stopping Novak
The 2016 BNP Paribas Open (the most sexist tennis tournament of them all - more on that later) is in the books. To no one's surprise, World No. 1 (men's) Novak Djokovic defeated Milos Raonic to win men's singles for a record fifth career win at the Paribas Open. To everyone's surprise, 26-year-old Belarusian Victoria Azarenka topped World No. 1 (women's) Serena Williams for her second Paribas Open title. American tennis players Bethanie Mattek-Sands and CoCo Vandeweghe claimed the women's doubles title while Frenchmen Pierre-Hugues Herbert and Nicolas Mahut took men's honors.

Bad Sport
Even after he was caught being a devious douchebag, Houston Rockers center Dwight Howard just doesn't give a shit. In the Rockets' 109-97 loss to the Atlanta Hawks on Saturday night, Howard was caught using Stickum spray to give him a better grip on the ball, which is illegal as hell. Better yet, after the game Howard said, "I don’t know why people are making a big deal out of it. I do it every game. It’s not a big deal. I ain’t tripping." The NBA is, of course, investigating the most comical blend of stupidity and DGAF we've ever seen.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: French cyclist Arnaud Demare, who just won the Milan–San Remo (a UCI World Tour cycling race in Italy), has been accused of taking a tow from a car (also known as "skitchin'" to Tony Hawk aficionados) during the race.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Dwyane Wade. The Miami Heat shooting guard surpassed 20,000 career points in a 122-101 win against former teammate LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers on Saturday night, becoming the 41st player in NBA history to reach the milestone. Wade celebrated the following day at the Miami Heat’s 19th annual Family Festival by lighting up the stage with rapper Vanilla Ice, who's so desperate for gigs he's relegated to lighting up stages for mid-afternoon charity events.

(Honorable Mention): NASCAR driver Jimmie Johnson won the Auto Club 400 for his 77th career win, moving him into 6th place on the all-time wins list ahead of the late, great Dale Earnhardt. In more entertaining race news, check out this horrifying crash from this weekend's Australian Formula One grand prix that somehow didn't kill driver Fernando Alonso.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Scott Boyett. The University of Akron offensive lineman shot teammate Andrew Pratt because he thought Pratt was a burglar entering his apartment. Classic Oscar Pistorius-style reasoning. Too soon? In any case, Pratt will live, and he has a slightly better story of how he got shot than former NFL reciever Plaxico Burress, who shot himself in the leg because carrying around a gun with the safety on is for chumps.

Quote of the Weekend
"They ride on the coattails of the men. They don't make any decisions and they are lucky. They are very, very lucky. If I was a lady player, I'd go down every night on my knees and thank God that Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal were born, because they have carried this sport." - Raymond Moore

The CEO of the BNP Paribas Open tennis tournament went on a sexist, Mad Men-esque rant where he belittled the WTA (Women's Tennis Association). "Lady player" Serena Williams put Moore on blast, saying, "We, as women, have come a long way. We shouldn't have to drop to our knees at any point."

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Spring Training: Red Sox at Cardinals - 1pm on ESPN
NHL. Philadelphia Flyers at New York Islanders - 7:30pm on NBC Sports
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. NIT Tournament: George Washington at Monmouth - 7pm on ESPN; NCAA Women's Tournament: Second round - ESPN2; Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at South Carolina Gamecocks - 9pm on ESPN; NCAA Women's Tournament: Second round - 9pm on ESPN2
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