Fun Police, Butt Catches, & Ray Finkle.
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Monday, January 11, 2016

Quick Hits From Over The Weekend

The Main Event
Road Rules! All four road teams (Kansas City, Pittsburgh, Seattle, and Green Bay) won their Wild Card matchups this weekend, an NFL first. Let's breakdown each game as quick as we can, shall we?

Kansas City Chiefs at Houston Texans: Knile Davis of the Chiefs returned the opening kickoff 106-yards for a touchdown, which proved to be just the beginning of a hellish day for Houston. Texans quarterback Brian Hoyer threw four picks on the way to a 30-0 loss, which was so humiliating Arnold Schwarzenegger felt compelled to cheer up JJ Watt via Twitter.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals: The Bengals lost their fifth consecutive playoff game 18-16 to the Steelers thanks to a ridiculous leg/butt/somersault touchdown catch by Pittsburgh wide receiver Martavis Bryant, injuries to Steelers stars Ben Roethlisberger and Antonio Brown (who looked like a wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man after suffering a concussion), and a trio of Bengal gafs in the last two minutes (bonehead fumble and two even bonier-head personal fouls - more on those later).

Seattle Seahawks at Minnesota Vikings: In the third-coldest game in NFL history, the Seahawks and Vikings bored audiences for a full 59 minutes and 34 seconds, excluding a dope, one-handed Doug Baldwin catch, before Vikings kicker Blair Walsh missed a 27-yard field goal to give Seattle the 10-9 victory. Upon closer inspection, holder Jeff Locke placed the ball laces in (a football sin punishable by gonorrhea and hell fire).

Green Bay Packers at Washington Redskins: The Packers battled back from an 11-point deficit, including a safety against them less than five minutes into the game, to take down the Redskins 35-18. Despite a surprisingly effective season by Redskins quarterback Kirk Cousins, which birthed a team slogan, Randall Cobb and the Packers were the ones who ended up "liking that."

How can Minnesota fans drink their beer when it's that cold out?

Good Sport
North Dakota State crushed Jacksonville State 37-10 to win the FCS National Championship. The win is NDS's fifth consecutive title, which is a record for successive titles at any collegiate level. Don't worry if you've never heard of FCS (Division I Football Championship Subdivision). The only time it's been mentioned outside of an FCS campus is when Appalachian State made University of Michigan fans cry forever by pulling off the biggest upset in college sports history. Kudos to NDS for bringing FCS back into the limelight for five seconds.

Bad Sport
The Brooklyn Nets have thrown in the towel on their abysmal season (10-27), firing coach Lionel Hollins and reassigning General Manager Billy King to an in-house, TBD position (likely waterboy). Assistant Tony Brown will serve as the interim coach until the Nets can find their next victim. Jay Z has to be thrilled he sold his very small (0.067%) ownership share of the Nets when the gettin' was good, receiving $500,000 in 2013, when they were still a playoff team. Given the Nets' play as of late, we have to assume that same 0.067% stake of the team is now worth a piece of gum and a used deodorant stick.

Fun Fact: Brett Brown is somehow still coach of the Philadelphia 76ers, who have won just four games this season.

G.O.A.T. of the Weekend (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Lindsey Vonn. The American skier notched wins in the Downhill and Super Giant Slalom at the 2016 Alpine Skiing World Cup. Vonn now has 73 World Cup wins, tying Austrian skiing legend Annemarie Moser-Pröll's 36-year-old record.

Honorable Mention: Bud Grant, the 88-year-old former Minnesota Vikings coach, wore a short-sleeved polo shirt in -9 degree weather while acting as an honorary Vikings team captain because pneumonia can kiss his ass.

Goat of the Weekend (What's a Goat?)
Vontaze Burfict and Adam "Pacman" Jones. The pair of Cincinnati Bengal defenders gift-wrapped a win for the Pittsburgh Steelers, committing two personal fouls in the waning seconds of their Wild Card match, allowing the Steelers to kick a chip shot, game-winning field goal. After the loss, Jones turned into Adam "Crybaby" Jones on the sideline, then took to Instagram to critique "the f*ckin' ref's horrible f*ckin job."

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Fans at Paul Brown Stadium in Cincinnati, who cheered and threw garbage at injured players, punched women in the face, and pissed all over each other. Your move, Raiders fans.

Quote of the Weekend
"Actually sitting in my favorite Chair with my hand on my wife's boob... so I'm str8" - Steve Smith

The Baltimore Ravens wide receiver responded to a Twitter troll, who asked Smith how he felt watching the NFL playoffs from his couch.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
COLLEGE FOOTBALL. CFP National Championship: Alabama (2) at Clemson Tigers (1) - 8:30pm on ESPN
SOCCER. Under-21 Premier League Soccer: U-21: Tottenham vs. Chelsea - 2:30pm on NBC Sports
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