Drake Shade, Polished Turd, & Bayless Bouncing.
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Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Polished Turd. The NBA's Sacramento Kings unveiled new logos/branding, which can best be described as a purple-gray, royal-retro look. Despite the new style, Sacramento still has the same garbage roster. Sorry, Kings, but this freshly-polished turd of a team isn't fooling anyone.
  • Drake Shade. The Toronto Raptors' 102-99, comeback-win over the Indiana Pacers was so epic that Drake, the Raptors' #1 fan, couldn't help but throw shade at Pacers guard Paul George by posting an Instagram pic of George with a superimposed tear emoji rolling down his cheek. Although the tear was fake, George had to be crying on the inside after his 39-point, 8 rebound, 8 assist performance wasn't enough to get the win. The Raptors now have a 3-2 lead in the series.
  • Unluck Of The Irish. The Boston Celtics had less luck against the Atlanta Hawks last night than a black cat running under a ladder headfirst into a full-length mirror. They were humiliated 110-83, fell behind in their playoff series 3-2, and point guard Isaiah Thomas went down with an ankle injury. Time to go four-leaf clover picking.
  • Bayless Bouncing. After 12 years of ruining ESPN's morning programming, Skip Bayless, who formed a sports version of The View's most infamous bickering duo (Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck) with fellow First Take host Stephen A. Smith, will leave the network to join Fox Sports when his contract expires in August. What a gem Fox reeled in. We'll just leave this Bayless quote right here - "Tim Tebow is the next Brett Favre!"

The Main Event
Injuries to star players are drastically altering the NBA playoff landscape.

We already knew about Steph Curry's MCL sprain, which will keep the Golden State God out for at least the next two weeks, but yesterday we found out the severity of injuries suffered by the Los Angeles Clippers' two best players... and the outlook is FUBAR. Ginger-hybrid Blake Griffin and Chris "bang bang, mother f*cker" Paul will both be out for the remainder of the season, with Griffin re-injuring a quad muscle and Paul suffering a broken hand. Much like the Warriors, the Clippers' odds of winning the NBA title decreased because of injuries, with Westgate SuperBook moving the Clips' odds from 28-1 to 50-1. They're called star players for a reason.

The Clippers and Warriors' loss is the San Antonio Spurs and Cleveland Cavaliers' gain. The Spurs are Vegas' new favorite to win the NBA title, while the Cavs are playing their best basketball of the season, which aligns perfectly with Good Old Sport's April 15th prediction of Spurs over Cavs in the final. #humblebrag

Good Sport
Father Of The Year
Steve Kerr is like an absentee father who just won Father of the Year. Despite missing 43 games this year due to back issues (over half the season), the Golden State Warriors head honcho was still named NBA Coach of the Year. The Warriors set an NBA record by winning 73 regular-season games, and were the first team ever to go an entire season without losing back-to-back games. That's only partially thanks to you, dad! Terry Stotts of the Portland Trail Blazers received the second-most votes, while San Antonio Spurs coach Gregg Popovich finished third.

Honorable Mention: Repeat? The Chicago White Sox clobbered the Toronto Blue Jays 10-1 last night for their fifth win in a row, moving their record to 15-6 on the season. The last time they posted a 15-6 record to start a season was when they won the World Series (2005).

Honorable Mention: Was it windy in Atlanta last night, or was it just David Price? The Boston Red Sox pitcher fanned 14 batters in the Sox' 11-4 win over the Braves, giving Boston their third-straight win.

Bad Sport
Belgian cyclist Femke Van den Driessche has been banned six years from cycling for bringing a gun to a knife fight. The International Cycling Union determined Van den Driessche was guilty of using a hidden motor at a world championship race. For those not following, a motor literally turns a bicycle into a motorcycle, which is apparently frowned upon in the cycling community. Even worse for the naive 19-year-old; she must return her Under-23 European title, Belgian national title, and all prize money and other trophies won since October 11th of last year. At least her record of delinquency and apparent interest in motorcycles would make her a shoo-in to join a biker gang.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: NFL free agent quarterback Johnny Manziel makes Chris Brown look like Mr. Rogers. Manziel was officially indicted by a grand jury for a domestic violence incident where he allegedly grabbed his former girlfriend by the hair and punched her in the side of the head, rupturing her eardrum. Johnny Football (AKA Johnny Football-notsomuch) will plead "not guilty," because if he goes down for this his career will hit a new eardrum-rupturing low that was never thought possible.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
Our booze selection of the week is a childhood favorite... sort of. Introducing: "Not Your Father's Root Beer."
Much like those Kings Candy cigarettes, root beer positioned us to be substance abusers from a very young age.... and we felt cool as hell suckin' down a mug of something with beer in the title while chain-smoking our edible cigs. "Not Your Father's Root Beer" brings back that nostalgic feeling because it's a beer that tastes exactly like regular root beer. In fact, it has such a sugary flavor you can barley taste the booze, which is pretty impressive considering it's a very-respectable 5.9% (ABV). Much like regular root beer, you can only have two or three before you feel a sugar-induced, diabetic coma coming on. Because of that, we can recommend "Not Your Father's Root Beer" as a great novelty beer, but it certainly won't be replacing your nightly 12-pack anytime soon.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Yankees at Rangers - 8pm on ESPN
NBA PLAYOFFS. Game 5: Hornets at Heat - 8pm on TNT (series tied 2-2); Game 5: Trail Blazers at Clippers - 10pm on NBA TV (series tied 2-2); Game 5: Rockets at Warriors - 10:30pm on TNT (Warriors lead 3-1)
NHL PLAYOFFS. Game 1: Islanders at Lightning - 7pm on NBC Sports; Game 6: Predators at Ducks - 10pm on NBC Sports (Ducks lead 3-2)
SOCCER. Champions League: Atlético Madrid vs. Bayern Munich - 2:30pm on Fox Sports 1
JIMMY KIMMEL. Jackass star Johnny Knoxville stops by Jimmy Kimmel Live! to discuss athletic events such as rocket skating, department store boxing, and dry-land jet skiing - 11:35pm on ABC
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