FIFA Is Bernie Madoff, No Kids Allowed, & Cardinal Sin
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Thursday, March 17, 2016

Good Old Sport's March Madness Mania
St. Patrick's Day? March Madness? Your unchecked alcoholism? There's plenty of fun reasons to start today off with a drink. So call in sick, peruse our "What to Watch" section for game times, and head to your local pub for a pint of green beer. Check out your bracket to see how you're doing, and remember, you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.

Quick Hits
  • Holy Shit. The Holy Cross men's basketball team, which hadn't won a tournament game since 1953, beat Southern University 59-55 in one of two First Four games last night. What does Holy Cross get as their reward? A date with No. 1 seed Oregon. Meanwhile, Michigan hung on for a 67-62 victory over Tulsa to close out March Madness' First Four.
  • Investments 101. The Cleveland Browns released Dwayne Bowe, possibly the highest-paid wide receiver in NFL history, who made $1.8 million per catch last season. Is Bowe really that good? No, he's really that unproductive. The Browns paid him $9 million to catch 5 passes for 53 yards ($169,811.32 per yard) all of last year. In less hilarious news, the Browns also released pro-bowl linebacker Karlos Dansby, likely because they're trying to make up for the money wasted on Bowe.
  • Durant The Leprechaun? When Oklahoma City Thunder star Kevin Durant was asked about the city of Boston before last night's 130-109 win against the Celtics, in which he scored 28 points, he said, "I like the city a lot," which undoubtedly sent a chill down the spine of any Thunder fan. The Celtics will reportedly target Durant in free agency, although it may take a literal pot of gold to pull in the hottest soon-to-be free agent on the market.
  • Off The Hook. MLB will not suspend Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Yasiel Puig for allegedly hitting his sister. Seemingly because he's innocent, but most likely because major sports leagues don't like to see a decrease in tickets sales due to a superstar player missing time. Meanwhile, a Dodgers minor league player was suspended 144 games for PEDs.
  • No Kids Allowed. Chicago White Sox outfielder Adam LaRoche is retiring because White Sox president Kenny Williams wouldn't let LaRoche's kid hang out in the team clubhouse everyday anymore, which seems like a ridiculous reason to quit. It's a professional baseball clubhouse for Christ's sake, not a kiddie playhouse. Not to mention LaRoche is leaving $13 million on the table, an amount we're sure LaRoche's son would love to have seen come inheritance time.

The Main Event
In one of the biggest "no shit" moments of all time, FIFA finally admitted accepting bribes for World Cup hosting bids. However, FIFA is claiming they're the victim, and are seeking restitution. Let's examine this steaming pile of gall FIFA just pinched off.

Even if you don't follow soccer, you undoubtedly heard about the massive corruption scandal that rocked FIFA, soccer's preeminent governing body. A number of FIFA executives were indicted on corruption charges after a U.S. investigative probe determined they were guilty of accepting bribes. Those who were indicted, some of whom already admitted guilt, were required to forfeit the bribery money, which was seized by U.S. federal prosecutors. This is where absurdity ensues. The U.S. Attorney's Office received a 22-page document from FIFA this week, which admits bribery money was accepted to ensure South Africa received the 2014 World Cup. The document also claims FIFA was the victim of corrupt individuals, and the organization is owed tens of millions from the money seized by the U.S. That's right, FIFA, the organization that illegally accepted bribes, got caught, and was forced to forfeit the money... now wants it back.

This would be like if Ponzi scheme artist Bernard Madoff asked for the money he illegally acquired back, even after admitting he was in the wrong. FIFA is the douchier, and somehow more ridiculous version of Bernie Madoff.

Good Sport
Alpine Awards
Swiss skier Lara Gut won her first overall women's title at the 2016 Alpine Skiing World Cup, while Austrian Marcel Hirscher, who was literally almost killed by a falling drone during a run this past December, took home the men's title for the fifth-consecutive time. American Lindsey Vonn, queen of badassery, picked up her 8th downhill World Cup title despite breaking her leg in late February.

And Then There Were Eight
The second leg of the Champions League "Round of 16" wrapped up last night, giving us the final eight teams that will move on to the quarterfinals in Europe's premier soccer tournament. Highlights from yesterday's matches include Barcelona striker Luis Suárez netting the filthiest goal we've seen outside of FIFA 16, and Bayern Munich's comeback win over Juventus F.C. Up 2-0, Juventus shit the bed by allowing two late goals to force extra time, where Bayern tacked on two more for the 4-2 win in what's already considered to be one of the best matches of the year. Check out the rest of the quarterfinal qualifiers right here.

Bad Sport
Cardinal Sin
St. Louis Cardinals players hate gay people. This much was made clear when former St. Louis minor league player Tyler Dunnington said he quit baseball because he overheard coaches and players talking about "killing gay people." As a gay man (in the closet at the time), it's easy to see why these comments made Dunnington uneasy, eventually leading to his exit from baseball. Upon hearing the unpleasant news yesterday, St. Louis general manager John Mozeliak responded by saying the Cardinals "take this very seriously" and will "certainly look into [the issue] further." We don't know what that means exactly, but we do know the Cards will probably be the first one to slap a rainbow filter over their Facebook profile picture for the next LGBT awareness day.

NFL safety Will Hill, who was just cut by the Baltimore Ravens, has been suspended 10 games for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Hill has now been suspended four times in four seasons due to substance abuse. Like Charlie Sheen, nothing gets between this man and his drugs.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: A soccer referee in the Congo was brutally chased down and beaten by fans, because we're talking about soccer fans in a third world country. What the hell else did you expect?

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS PHOTO of a romantic(?) moment between player and pole. Winner gets a Good Old Sport soccer jersey that looks remarkably like a baseball tee.

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What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Spring Training Baseball: Diamondbacks at Cubs - 7pm on ESPN
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Duke vs. North Carolina - 12pm on CBS; Texas Tech vs. Butler - 12:30pm on TruTV; Baylor vs. Yale - 2:30pm on CBS; Iowa State vs. Iona - 1:30pm on TBS; Colorado vs. Connecticut - 1pm on TNT; Purdue vs. Arkansas - 4:20pm on TBS; Kansas vs. Austin Peay - 3:50pm on TNT; Virginia vs. Hampton - 3pm on TruTV; Indiana vs. Chattanooga - 7pm on CBS; North Carolina vs. Florida Gulf Coast - 7:15pm on TBS; Miami vs. Buffalo - 6:45pm on TNT; Utah vs. Fresno State - 7:15pm on TruTV; Kentucky vs. Stony Brook - 9:30pm on CBS; Southern California vs. Providence - 9:45pm on TBS; Arizona vs. Wichita State - 9:15pm on TNT; Seton Hall vs. Gonzaga - 9:55pm on TruTV
SOCCER. UEFA Europa League: Bayer Leverkusen vs. Villarreal - 2pm on Fox Sports 1; Manchester United vs. Liverpool - 4pm on Fox Sports 1
GOLF. PGA Tour: Arnold Palmer Invitational, First-Round Play - 2pm on Golf Channel; LPGA Tour: JTBC Founders Cup, First-Round Play - 6pm on Golf Channel
TENNIS. BNP Paribas Open: men's and women's quarterfinals - 2pm and 8pm on ESPN2
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