Shark Week, Curry Hates America, & Knife Party.
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Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Shark Week. Sharks may be eating people up in the water (two people have died in a week), but the San Jose Sharks are getting eaten up on the ice. They lost 3-1 to the Pittsburgh Penguins last night, and are hanging on by a thread in the Stanley Cup Finals, down three games to one.
  • Curry Hates America. Golden State Warriors stud Steph Curry will not play for team USA at the 2016 Olympics because he's a communist filth... or because he wants to rest a sprained MCL he received in the first round of the playoffs.
  • Yosemite Serb. Apparently, Serbian tennis fans celebrate sports victories the same way Yosemite Sam celebrates a victory over Bugs Bunny; by spraying gunfire wildly into the air. After watching Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic win the French Open, a couple of rootin'-tootin' Novak fans shot off AK-47s in the middle of a neighborhood, because how else would you show your support?
  • Goodbye, Slice. Kimbo Slice, known for his MMA career, street fights, and, to a lesser extent, his adult film cameos (SFW), is dead at age 42 from heart failure.
  • Keeping Up With The Baseball Kardashians. The Chicago Cubs are Kim Kardashian and the Philadelphia Phillies are Khloé. Thanks to a 6-4 win over the Phillies last night, which included Jason Heyward's 100th career dinger, the Cubs are sitting pretty, having won 11 of their past 13 games. The Phillies, however, are looking beat as hell, having lost 11 of 14.

The Main Event
Ah, softball... a weird version of baseball for female collegiate athletes and drunk rec-league dads alike. Although we'd love to explore the intricacies of swinging a bat while holding a Coors Light, we'll focus on college softball since we're in the midst of the Women's College World Series (WCWS).

What began as a 64-team tournament on May 20th has been whittled down to the WCWS Final between the Oklahoma Sooners and Auburn Tigers. Oklahoma took Game 1 last night 3-2, which should come as a shock to no one since it's their 31st-consecutive win (longest streak in school history). The victory surprisingly puts Oklahoma just one win away from their third title, because the WCWS is only a best-of-three series, which almost challenges the definition of the world "series." In any case, if the Sooners manage to put a bow on their stellar season with a series-sealing win in Game 2 tonight (8pm on ESPN, ET), they'll become just the third school to win three or more softball national championships (UCLA:12, Arizona: 8).

Root for Auburn in this series. The Sooners may be on their way toward winning a third championship since 2000, but the Tigers have never won a title, let alone made it to a WCWS Final. Here's to Auburn not becoming the Seattle Mariners of the NCAA softball world.

Good Sport
POTUS Has Jabs
The Denver Broncos visited the White House yesterday to celebrate their victory in Super Bowl 50. While Obama usually takes these opportunities to spew cheesy lines (yes, he yelled out Peyton Manning's "Omaha" audible), he also threw a couple of on-point daggers, including calling kicker Brandon McManus the "heart and soul" of Denver's piss offense (19th in the league), and jabbing Peyton for being a walking advertisement by commenting, "It doesn’t matter whether you need insurance, pizza, a Buick. You basically can stock your whole household with stuff this guy is selling." Not bad, POTUS.

Honorable Mention: Despite nearly running out of gas, NASCAR driver Kurt Busch won the rain-delayed Axalta 400 for his 28th career Cup win. It's great to see a win, but we would have much rather watched Busch run out of fuel and walk along the track's shoulder with an empty gas can in hand while drivers scream by at 200 mph.

Bad Sport
Knife Party
The Miami Marlins' Minor League squad has far too much time on their hands. Their No. 2 prospect cut open the thumb of their No. 4 prospect during a "knife prank" gone awry. The gaping wound required four stitches, and landed the victim on the disabled list. The Marlins' president of baseball operations didn't explain exactly what the prank was, but we hope it was the classic "Five Finger Fillet" routine, the stunt actor Liam Hemsworth hilariously failed at (he almost lost a finger) while trying to impress fans. Stick to the "Wooden Spoon Trick," boys. It's safer, and perhaps even funnier.

Never Forget
When you've drank so much at the ballgame you think you're a Roman God feasting on grapes upon your sapphire thrown, you've had too much to drink. Never forget.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
MLB. Mets at Pirates - 7pm on ESPN2
SOCCER. Copa America Centenario: U.S. vs. Costa Rica - 8pm on Fox Sports 1; Copa America Centenario: Colombia vs. Paraguay - 10:30pm on Fox Sports 1
WNBA. New York at Los Angeles - 10pm on ESPN2
WOMEN'S SOFTBALL. Women's College World Series: Finals Game 2, Oklahoma vs. Auburn - 8pm on ESPN (Oklahoma leads 1-0)
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