The Dab Is Dead, You Got Served, & Smarter Than A Fifth-Grader.
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Friday, June 10, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Bieber Beatdown. Haughty dildo Justin Bieber got whipped in a fight outside of his hotel in Cleveland after Game 3 of the NBA Finals. The Biebs picked a fight with a much bigger dude, who responded by throwing the sad-sack singer to the ground. Just like that, we made your day.
  • Time For A Swim. We've found the Michael Phelps of drunk baseball fans. After San Francisco Giants infielder Brandon Belt blaster a dinger into McCovey Cove, this bro jumped into the bay to retrieve the ball, before proudly holding it up as if it were a gold medal. Is it too late for this hero to swim for the U.S. in Rio?
  • The Dab Is Dead. God help us, Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton is retiring "the dab," another dance move ruined by white kids. Cam stated he'll have a new celebration for us next year, which we hope looks something like this soccer player's cocaine-snorting routine.
  • Free Brady. The Pawtucket Red Sox (Boston's Triple-A affiliate) is holding "Free Brady Friday" tonight in honor of suspended Pats quarterback Tom Brady, where any fan named "Tom" or "Brady" gets in free. Here's a budget-conscience promotional idea for the San Diego Padres; "Yangervis Solarte" night.

The Main Event
WHAT?
Today marks the start of the 2016 UEFA European Championship (casually known as Euro 2016), which is a European (obvi), quadrennial soccer tournament that you might not care about but probably should.

WHAT ELSE?
"Why should I give a shit?" It's a fair question, but a silly one unless you want people to think you know dick about world sports. Next to the FIFA World Cup, the Euro Championship is arguably the second-biggest soccer tournament in the world. France will host Euro 2016, as 24 national teams from across Europe will compete in a "group stage" featuring six groups of four teams, which starts today (check out the draws here), to be followed by the "knockout stage," and will ultimately conclude with the Final on July 10th (yes, it's a long-ass tournament). Host France, 2014 World Cup winner Germany, and two-time defending Euro Champion Spain are among the favorites to win Euro 2016.

THOUGHTS?
Euro 2016 has just the most deplorable mascot, with the worst introductory video in the history of mascots. Introducing: "Super Victor" (pictured above).

Good Sport
We Got Us A Series
The San Jose Sharks saved us from a shitty Stanley Cup Final by beating the Pittsburgh Penguins last night to stave off elimination, cutting the Penguins' series lead to 3-2. Sharks goalie Martin Jones morphed into Sir Joseph Broadfront, making 44 saves (most saves in regulation facing Finals elimination since 1968) en route to a 4-2 win, which kept Penguin nation from spilling out onto the streets of Pittsburgh to celebrate a Stanley Cup championship. Thank god, because that gives the city's Public Works crews more time to round up couches and abandoned furniture from the streets so they can't be used as bonfire kindling by drunk revelers. No, really. The series moves back to San Jose for Game 6 on Sunday.

Bad Sport
You Got Served
While clubbing in LA, NFL free agent Johnny Manziel was caught on camera being served with a lawsuit for partying like Charlie Sheen in a West Hollywood mansion he and his entourage rented and trashed in April. Being the professional substance abuser he is, Johnny brushed off the encounter and went to the next club so he could continue to be served something he's a little more familiar with; hard alcohol.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Baltimore Orioles infielder Manny Machado has been suspended four games for dropping Kansas City Royals pitcher Yordano Ventura like a sack of potatoes with that vicious right hook on Tuesday night. Said sack of potatoes has been suspended nine games for throwing at Machado.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Raychel Nelke. The 11-year-old girl won a lady's club championship golf tournament earlier this week, competing against golfers that were much older than her. Miss Goody two-shoes already has that aura of the annoying fifth-grader who's already taking ninth-grade math classes... and setting the curve.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Jiri Horak & Friends. During the "Colossus II" World Series of Poker event on Wednesday, poker player Jiri Horak lost the tournament-deciding hand, but his idiot friends thought he won, and reacted in kind by mauling Horak with frat boy-caliber exuberance. The delayed realization of Horak's defeat on his friends' faces reminded us of when Steve Harvey crowned the wrong gal as Miss Universe. Whoops, wrong winner!

Quote of the Week
"That big ol' rascal can come play tight end for us, if he wants to." - Rex Ryan

The Buffalo Bills head coach sounded somewhat racist when drooling over the thought of NBA star LeBron James playing in the NFL.

Good Old Caption Winner
"Uribe quickly pulled away once he realized he grabbed a different wiener than intended." - Spencer Powell

Thanks, Spencer, for ending the week on a not-so-subtle dick joke. Your prize is a Good Old Sport baseball tee. Make sure to keep an eye out for handsy ballplayers the the next time you rock your new shirt in the front row of a ballgame.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
It's almost the weekend, which means it's time for a blinding amount of sports. Here's what you'll be watching.
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