The Biggest Losers, Jerry Jones' Soft Member, & Stripper Poles.
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Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Not So Fast. The NHL's new team with that horrific name, the Vegas Golden Knights, may not be able to use that horrific name after all. The U.S. military is investigating the moniker because the Army's parachute team goes by the same name. Alas, the "Las Vegas Greased Stripper Poles" is still in play!
  • Surprise! Former NFL quarterback Johnny Manziel is in the news again for being a douchebag. This time, he's being sued for up to $1 million for breaking some bar employee's nose at a Texas-area watering hole.
  • Hog Heaven. Outfielder Yoenis Céspedes, who (fun fact) once bought a 270-pound hog for $7k, just re-signed with the New York Mets for $110 million over four years. Imagine all the pigs this new bacon could buy.
  • This Is The Worst. A chartered plane carrying members of Chapecoense, a Brazilian first division soccer team, crashed this week, killing 76 of 81 passengers. The crash brings back memories of the Marshall University football team crash in 1970, which also sucked shit.

The Main Event
The gauntlet of football futility has been thrown, with the Cleveland Browns and San Francisco 49ers posting historic losing streaks in their bids to lay claim to the title of NFL's biggest dumpster fire.

If Hue Jackson (Browns) and Chip Kelly's (49ers) first seasons as head coaches could be equated to that of new drivers, they would have crashed their cars into a daycare center during their learner's permit tests. Their young tenures have been unmitigated disasters since Week 1 and Week 2, respectively, as the Browns have lost all 11 of their games to this point, while the 49ers have lost 10 in a row since that Week 1 anomaly over the Los Angeles Rams. Better yet, both squads are riding franchise-record losing streaks, with the Browns having lost 15-straight games dating to December 20th of last year, while the Niners set a record of their own with their aforementioned 10th-consecutive loss this past Sunday. While Chip Kelly isn't patting himself on the back for close losses (probably because he's going to bolt back to Oregon after they just fired their coach), Browns fans can rest assured that Hue Jackson "hasn't even opened the bag of tricks yet" on offense. Perhaps Jackson's saving those for when the Browns surpass 20 losses, when opposing teams really won't be expecting it. That'll show 'em!

Much like that shitty NBC show, The Biggest Loser of this race for last place may actually be the winner come draft time. Either way, god help Clemson quarterback Deshaun Watson, the potential first-overall pick in next year's draft.

NFL Pick 'Em
These guys are good. After co-winning last week's NFL Pick 'Em, Tory Avikian and apparent cheesehead Tom "GoPackGo" Akkala decided that ties are for losers, and with 14 correct answers each, again went head-to-head for the Pick 'Em championship. This week, Tory pulled out his grater and defeated Tom by coming closer in the Monday Night total score to take home the solo title. We love the competitive spirit, boys, can't wait to see how you two do this week (probably much worse).

The best of the rest include:
1. Tory Avikian (14-2; 48*)
2. Tom Akkala (14-2; 54*)
T-3. Annapurna Kennedy (13-3; 41*)
T-3. Amabda Schat (13-3; 41*)
T-3. Jeanne D'Alessandro (13-3; 41*)

*Total points estimate for Monday Night Football. Actual: 40

GET YOUR WEEK 13 PICKS IN NOW. Winner gets a free certificate for a nipple piercing (will need to provide video proof) or a dope Good Old Sport Koozie... Submission deadline is Thursday, 12/1 at 8:20pm ET.

Good Sport
Not All Streaks Are Bad Streaks
On the opposite end of the spectrum from the Browns and Niners, the NBA's Golden State Warriors have won 12-straight games, albeit with a bullshit "super team." 

Us Too! Us Too!
Fine, Dallas fans, the NFL's Cowboys have won 10 in a row, and currently hold a league-best 10-1 record. Happy? Now, go metaphorically (or perhaps literally) wrap your lips around Jerry "daddy" Jones' soft penis, which you've been dying to do.

Bad Sport
Should've Gone To An Ivy League
Brown University students' superior intelligence was on display when their basketball squad played Bryant University, thanks to Bryant guard Ikenna Ndugba, who decided to run out the clock by throwing the ball up in the air in the waning moments of a tightly-contested game... that his team was losing. Note the high-five, which is immediately rejected.
Don't Tell People We Suck, Bro
The Los Angeles Rams are shitty, and they don't like being told they're shitty. So much so that ownership has banned Rams legend Eric Dickerson from attending games on the sideline for the rest of the season because he publicly criticized the team. Next, we expect the Rams to ban sportscasters and all media from their contests.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Remember former NFL player Darren Sharper? You don't have to, because he was just sentenced to 20 years in prison for multiple rapes.

Wet Your Whistle Wednesday
God help us, tomorrow’s December, which means it’s time to abuse our bodies with the unhealthiest shit imaginable. With sky-high calorie, sugar, and fat content, not to mention a hearty-helping of liver-blasting bourbon, Eggnog is the do-it-all holiday cocktail that’ll leave you in a booze-soaked diabetic stupor.
Similar to what comes out of Ash when he gets his head ripped off in Alien, Eggnog is a thick white goop that’s best enjoyed with friends around your dining room table. It’s somewhat complex to make from scratch, however, if you’d like to risk salmonella poisoning via undercooked eggs, here’s convicted felon Martha Stewart to show you how. For the rest of us, pick up a half-gallon of Kirkland Signature Traditional Holiday Eggnog from Costco. It’s premade, including the booze, so you can focus on heaving obscenities toward your family and cursing Santa Claus à la Clark Griswold in Christmas Vacation. Hallelujah! Where's the Tylenol?

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
NHL. Penguins at Islanders - 5pm on NBC Sports; Sharks at Kings - 7:30pm on ESPN2
COLLEGE BASKETBALL. Purdue at Louisville - 4:15pm on ESPN; Virginia Tech at Michigan - 4:15pm on ESPN2; North Carolina at Indiana - 6:15pm on ESPN; Ohio State at Virginia - 6:15pm on ESPN2
SOCCER. MLS Playoff: Toronto FC vs. Montreal - 4pm on Fox Sports 1
GOLF. Australian PGA Championship, First-Round Play - 5pm on Golf Channel
Link of the Day: This criminal Santa Claus, who disguised 71 pounds of weed ($330k value) as 10 gift-wrapped boxes in the back of his car. We can only hope he was on his way to Toys for Tots.
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