Phelps Is The Best In 2,168 Years, Trifling Ass Bitch, & Dudes Only.
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Thursday, August 11, 2016

Quick Hits
  • Don't Tread On Us. Despite a slow start, the U.S. men's Olympic basketball team beat Australia 98-88 to extend the U.S.'s international winning streak to 71 games. The women's squad is also on hot streak, having beat Serbia 110-84 yesterday for the team's 44th-straight win. These colors don't run, they streak.
  • Trifling Ass Bitch. Michael Sam, famous for being the first openly-gay (yet terrible) football player selected in the NFL Draft, was involved in an altercation at a West Hollywood club where he called another dude a "trifling ass bitch" and threatened to "lay [his] ass on the ground." You may have flamed out of the NFL, Sam, but you'd be a first-overall pick in our drinking draft.
  • There's No "I" In Team. Unless we're referring to American swimmer Katie Ledecky. When she started her anchor leg of the 4x200-meter freestyle relay, the U.S. was behind by .89 seconds. When the race was over, her team won by 1.84 seconds to take gold. With one-woman team Ledecky leading the way, the U.S. leads the gold (11) and overall medal counts (32).
  • R.I.P. Longtime ESPN personality John Saunders passed away at 61. His cause of death has not yet been released.
  • Busted Bills. Buffalo Bills fans probably already knew this, but their upcoming season is going to suck shit. The Bills' 2016 first-round pick, Shaq Lawson, is already out for most of the year with a shoulder injury, and now their second-round draft pick, Reggie Ragland, is expected to miss the entire season with a torn ACL. Third-Round pick Adolphus Washington better watch his back.
  • Dudes Only. The St. Louis Rams forgot to put the "No Girls Allowed" sign outside of their training camp fort. Wide receiver Deon Long was cut this week after bringing a woman into his dorm.

The Main Event
WHAT?
Thank to last Sunday's Hall of Fame game being cancelled due to incompetent, gooberish groundskeepers, today marks the start of the NFL preseason, a nearly unwatchable collection of exhibition games that we'll desperately tune into because we're starved for football.

WHAT ELSE?
The NFL is ready to take full advantage of their famished fans, charging upwards of $100 for preseason tickets so we can watch a fifth-string wide-receiver get hit in the back of the helmet on a wide open go-route. At least there's the possibility of a star player breaking his leg in the first quarter to keep things exciting! Don't expect things to change anytime soon either. Despite constant pressure to shorten the preseason so we can get to the games that matter, there's no way teams are going to walk away from $160 million in added revenue. And why would they? Even though we know the preseason sucks, we'll still shill out big bucks every year to watch shells of our teams play organized grab-ass in unbearable August heat, because this is football, and we love it, dammit! Like moths to a flame, we're the architects of our own demise. F*ck us. Check out the full preseason schedule here. Or don't. Whatever.

THOUGHTS?
You might be saying to yourself, "Hey, preseason football ain't all bad. This is my first chance to see how good my team will be this year!" Wrong. The NFL preseason is a barometer for jack-shit. The 2008 Detroit Lions went 4-0 in the preseason before producing the first 0-16 team in NFL history. How's that for a measuring stick?

Good Sport
Millennium Man
Michael Phelps is the greatest Olympian in 2,168 years. With his gold medal win in the 200m butterfly, Phelps has collected 12 individual Olympic medals, tying him with Leonidas of Rhodes for the most in (extended) Olympic history. Leonidas, acclaimed as the greatest sprinter of all time, laid waste to his feeble opponents from 164 to 152 BCE, and he did it all while wearing 50 pounds of armor. You hear that, Phelps? Throw on a 50-pound weight jacket for your next race and maybe we'll be impressed.

Somewhat Related: If Michael Phelps were a country, he'd rank 39th on the all-time gold medal count (more than 100 other countries).

Honorable Mention: Note to self - Become friends with Clayton Kershaw. The LA Dodgers pitcher gave each member of the Los Angeles Rams a $250 bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue Label whiskey as a "welcome home" gift.

Bad Sport
A Fighter That Can't Fight
Belgian judo star Dirk Van Tichelt was left with a black eye after being assaulted and mugged by a "local thug" on Copacabana Beach less than 24 hours after winning a bronze medal in the 73kg category at the Rio Olympics. It's unfortunate, certainly, but we can't help but think Van Tichelt should surrender his medal to his assailant, who's clearly a superior fighter.

(Dis)Honorable Mention. Dammit, the idiot pool boy forgot to chlorinate the water again. Either that, or Rio's celebrating St. Patrick's Day early. Algae, which originated in the Rio Olympic diving pool, has now spread to the competition pool. Rio officials claim the algae is harmless, but we don't see them swimming around in it.

Good Old Caption
CAPTION THIS GIF of American swimmer Lilly King giving Russian swimmer, and past drug cheat, Yulia Efimova a wag of the finger. Winner gets a Good Old Sport pint glass, losers get a disappointed finger wave.

Send your captions to coach@goodoldsport.com

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
OLYMPICS 2016. Men's golf (first round) - 3:30am on Golf Channel; Women's water polo (Italy vs. Australia) - 6am on USA; Tennis (women's semifinal; men's quarterfinal) - 8am on Bravo; Men's basketball (Brazil vs. Croatia) - 10am on USA; Men's beach volleyball (U.S. vs. Italy), women's beach volleyball (U.S. vs. Russia), canoe/kayak - 2:30pm on NBC
GOLF. Champions Tour: U.S. Senior Open, First-Round Play - 11am on Fox Sports 1; PGA Tour: John Deere Classic; First-Round Play - 2pm on Golf Channel; Women's field hockey (U.S. vs. India) - 3:30pm on NBC Sports
CFL FOOTBALL. Montreal at Edmonton - 6pm on ESPN2
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