Between Two Ferns, Papi Farts, & Shia McEnroe.
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Friday, September 23, 2016

Friday Fun
  • QB3 FTW. Apparently, the New England Patriots could start your mother at quarterback and still put a whooping on opposing squads. With backup, backup QB Jacoby Brissett under center, the Pats blanked the Houston Texans 27-0 on Thursday Night Football to move to 3-0.
  • A Cotton Olive Branch. After starting a bench-clearing brawl that began with an intense stare down with San Francisco Giants pitcher Madison Bumgarner, LA Dodgers outfielder Yasiel Puig had #DONTLOOKATME shirts created, and even sent one to Bumgarner. Here’s hoping Trump and Hillary start sending passive-aggressive shirts to each other as we inch closer to November.
  • Related. Speaking of Hillary, watch her Between Two Ferns interview with Zach Galifianakis, which includes topics such as rap lyrics, potentially being the first white president for children under eight, Trump's power tie, and Kid Rock as the Secretary of State.
  • Shia McEnroe. Shia LaBeouf is playing John McEnroe in the upcoming biopic McEnroe vs. Borg. Given LaBeouf’s history of violent outbursts, we’re confident he’ll nail McEnroe’s notoriously confrontational demeanor on the court.

The Main Event
Holy hell, did you know the WNBA playoffs started this week? Us neither. Let’s explore.

The WNBA postseason consists of four rounds (first, second, semifinal, final), the first of which includes a pair single-elimination games featuring the four shittiest teams from the eight that qualified for the playoffs. Of those four shit teams, the Phoenix Mercury and the Atlanta Dream beat the Indiana Fever and the Seattle Storm (respectively) to move onto the second round, which begins tomorrow. Sorry that full-squad kneel during the National Anthem didn’t work out for you, Fever. God wants patriots. And we all know God controls the outcome of all sporting events, right every-single-athlete-ever?

So who’s gonna win this whole goddamn thing? Clearly not us after committing blasphemy against God the sports fan, so we’ll side with Vegas, who favors the top-seeded Minnesota Lynx to take home top honors… again. They’re defending champions, and have won three of the last five WNBA titles so, clearly, we won’t be rooting for them.

What is it with the WNBA and shitty teams names? The Atlanta Dream? In what world is the shooting gallery that is Metro Atlanta a dream? Thank Christ real basketball is almost here. Note: Complaints about Good Old Sport’s misogynist slant can be sent directly to, where they’ll undoubtedly go unread.

Good Sport
Red Sox Are Red Hot
The Boston Red Sox have won eight games in a row, and are in position to claim the AL East crown for just the second time in the last eight seasons. Things are going so well for the Sox even their farts smell good. Right, David Ortiz?

Bad Sport
Haters Gonna Hate
A poll of 1,100 Americans revealed 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick to be the most hated player in the NFL, probably for starting the trend of kneeling during the National Anthem, and not for his decision to fit a large Afro on an absurdly narrow head. Seriously, shit looks weird as hell. At least he got a Time Magazine cover out of all this hubbub. Here's who else made the top five:

2.) Jameis Winston (crab thief)
3.) Ndamukong Suh (testicle destroyer)
4.) Tom Brady (football deflator & Ugg spokesman)
5.) Ben Roethlisberger (block the door)

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Pat Hobbs. The Rutgers Athletic Director was seen chugging a beer on stage at a student tailgate before their 37-28 win over New Mexico. Sure, the tailgate was shut down after the fact, thanks to overly-sensitive PC douchebags who saw it as a “safety concern,” but it was still a badass power move by Hobbs. After all, the Scarlet Knights won, didn’t they? This simply has to become a pre-game ritual.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Mongolian Wrestling Coaches. Tserenbaatar Tsogbayar and Byambarinchen Bayaraa were suspended three years for pulling a Magic Mike at the Rio Olympics. The pair stripped to protest an officiating call, which at least is better than cross-checking a referee, right, Dennis Wideman?

(Dis)Honorable Mention: The U.S. is perhaps the worst country at hockey on Earth, at least according to the World Cup of Hockey. Team USA lost 4-3 to the Czech Republic last night, leaving them with a historically bad 0-3 record in the tournament.

Tweet of the Week
After being left off the Team USA roster, Pittsburgh Penguins right winger Phil Kessel Tweeted some not-so-subtle shade at Team USA’s epic wet fart against Team Canada on Tuesday, which lead to their embarrassingly early exit from the World Cup of Hockey. USA players were reportedly pissed at the “distasteful” Tweet from Kessel. Here’s a thought, which Kessel would probably agree with: play better next time to avoid being made a mockery of.

Good Old Caption Winner
"This isn’t the kind deep-throat three-way I was talking about, girls." - Travis Blair

Kudos to Travis for bringing the sexy this week. Enjoy a Good Old Sport koozie for your next beer after you boot and rally.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
Here's some games to watch after you're done throwing up your Friday night regret.
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