Drag Queen Elizabeth II, Serena's Twerk Video, & Pokémon Roaming Charges.
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Friday, August 5, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Jérémy van Gogh. Bordeaux (French soccer club) striker Jérémy Ménez is a modern day Vincent van Gogh, albeit without the romanticism and artistic talent. Ménez got half his ear ripped off by a cleat during Bordeaux’s 3-1 win over Lorient. Here’s a video gallery of his ground-up sandwich meat ear.
  • You Just Can’t Make This Shit Up. Goober Olympic officials lost the keys to the Olympic Stadium, forcing firemen to break open the gate with bolt cutters. Looks like we know what to get these bureaucrats for Christmas (hello, key finder!).
  • Slightly Less Criminal. In shocking news, recently released data shows that arrests in the NFL are down, with an NFL official commenting, “We're pleased with the numbers.” Leave it to the NFL to take pride in such matters. It’s like the city of Chicago saying, “Hey, less people were murdered this year! Come visit!”
  • Mama’s Boy. Russell Westbrook celebrated his three-year, $85 million contract extension with the Oklahoma City Thunder by taking his mother out to dinner, where conversation likely focused on trashing former teammate Kevin Durant. “I always knew that young man was a bad egg!”
  • Twerk It Out. Tennis star Serena Williams, a four-time Olympic gold medalist, has been more focused on her backside than her backhand ahead of the Rio Games, having recently released a “How To Twerk” video.

The Main Event
WHAT?
Hot damn, the Opening Ceremony for the 2016 Rio Olympics is tonight (7pm ET)! That means it’s time for Rio to pull a veil over the world’s eyes via a spectacle of beautiful pageantry, with hopes that we'll all forget about what a corrupt, economic disaster Brazil is… if not just for a few hours. We imagine that watching tonight’s celebration will be like looking at a car with a sparkling new paint job, but with no engine or steering wheel. It may not be functional, but dammit if it doesn’t look pretty!

WHAT ELSE?
The Opening Ceremonies are arguably the best part of the Olympics. We’ve seen some touching moments in the past, like Muhammad Ali’s lighting of the torch, but even more hilarious ones, like Sochi’s ring malfunction, torched doves, and a skydiving drag queen (pictured above, pre-jump). And yet, no matter what happens in tonight’s opening ceremony, the initial excitement will give way to the excruciating, hours-long Parade of Nations, which includes 206 countries of over 11,000 athletes. Sorry, but we can only watch people walk for so long before we start thinking about jumping into a bathtub with a toaster. The good news is the Unites States, traditionally at the end of the procession, will be closer to the front of the pack because the countries will be read in Portuguese alphabetical order (Estados Unidos). Olympic broadcaster NBC made a formal request the names be read in English alphabetical order, which was denied, because they were afraid viewers will tune out once they see the U.S. walk (we will).

THOUGHTS?
Michael Phelps has been selected as the U.S.'s flag bearer for the Opening Ceremony, although we would have much rather seen 4′9″ gymnast Simone Biles do it, purely for comedic relief. Stand up, Simone, we can’t see the flag!

Good Sport
Happy Happy Joy Joy
With an epic nostalgia push, the Brooklyn Cyclones have skyrocketed up our chart of ‘dopest sports teams.’ The New York Mets' Minor League squad will host “90s Nickelodeon Night,” featuring Ren & Stimpy jerseys, next Wednesday against the Oakland A’s Single-A affiliate, the Vermont Lake Monsters. Dammit, Cyclones, did we just become best friends? Yup!

Bad Sport
Penn State Redux
USA Gymnastics (USAG), the sport’s governing body, is the next Penn State. An investigation published by the Indianapolis Star yesterday revealed that USAG ignored sexual abuse allegations against dickbag coaches who preyed on young athletes, many of them minors. Sorry for ruining your experience watching Olympic gymnastics over the next couple weeks.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Atlanta Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan has turned into such a sad sack that he was intercepted by his offensive coordinator (Kyle Shanahan) in training camp this week.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Santo Condorelli. The Olympic, Canadian swimmer gives his dad the finger from the starting blocks before every race, because it’s their way of saying “eff everybody else.” Santo, you’re a goddamn saint, and we love you for this. Look for Santo’s middle-finger salute when he races in the freestyle relay on Sunday.

Honorable Mention: J.A. Happ, that Toronto Blue Jays pitcher you’ve never heard of, is 21-4 in 30 starts since this time last year, good for the most wins of any MLB pitcher during that time frame.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Kohei Uchimura. The Japanese gymnast, and four-time gold medalist, racked up $5,000 in data overages playing Pokémon GO in Rio this week. Luckily, his service provider cut him some slack by allowing him to purchase a backdated plan for $30 a day. We know you have to represent your country’s greatest pop-culture accomplishment, Kohei, but this is overkill.

Quote of the Week
"I’ll tell you why I stopped playing it… I was walking down Mill Avenue in Tempe, Ariz., and literally everyone that was on their cell phone walking down that same street was playing Pokémon GO, This is some mind-control stuff. I don’t like it." - Larry Warford

The Detroit Lions guard thinks Pokémon GO is a means for game developer Niantic to take over the world. Perhaps Drowzee, a Pokémon with the power of hypnosis, has put Warford under a spell to make him think such nonsense.

Good Old Caption Winner
"And now in other news, filming for The Grudge 4 took place today at a baseball game in Japan." - Eric Kurbyun

Thanks, Eric. The only thing scarier than the demonized girls from The Grudge and The Ring haunting our dreams would be another very shitty Grudge movie. Be on the lookout for your Good Old Sport baseball tee to come crawling out of your TV.

What to Watch (All Times Eastern)
The Olympics, what else.
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