Low Blows, Black Mamba, & Bye, Felicia!
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Friday, January 22, 2016

Friday Fun
  • Play For Me. Major League Baseball is looking to add Designated Hitters to the National League by 2017 to keep pitchers across the league from exerting too much extra energy by running the bases, ensuring they'll remain as fat as possible.
  • Spieth The Sloth. Golfer Jordan Spieth received a slow play penalty for milking putt preperations at the opening round of the Abu Dhabi Golf Championship, and will face a fine (€2,600) if flagged again. Keep up with the tournament leaderboard right here.
  • Going Out On Bottom. Australian tennis player Lleyton Hewitt lost the final match of his singles career in his home country at the Australian Open. Hewitt will end his storied career, where he still holds the record for world's youngest number one (20), on a sour note, an experience we can only imagine feels like burping right after brushing your teeth.
  • Mixed Messages. Memphis Grizzlies shooting guard Courtney Lee bought Chipotle for Grizzlies team and stadium employees to show his "appreciation." Kind act? Or thinly-veiled gesture of contempt to get back at disgruntled, shade-throwing employees by giving them Norovirus shits? We see you, Courtney.
  • Resting Richard. Chicago Blackhawks left winger Richard Panik must be related to notorious sleep-enthusiast Ryan Mallett. Panik was benched for Chicago's game against the Tampa Bay Lightning last night for oversleeping and missing a practice.
  • Ballghazi 2.0. On the (near) one-year anniversary of "Deflategate," the New England Patriots were involved in yet another ball mishap. This time it was the refs that screwed the pooch by forgetting a batch of game balls at their hotel, which had to be escorted by police to reach the Pats/Chiefs playoff game in time. Taxpayer dollars hard at work.

The Main Event
The NBA announced the starting lineups for the 2016 All-Star Game.

There were surprisingly few screw-ups in the fan-voted rosters, with most of the superstar usual suspects making the cut. The Eastern Conference will be lead by LeBron James (Cavaliers), Paul George (Pacers), Carmelo Anthony (Knicks), Dwayne Wade (Heat), and Kyle Lowry (Raptors), while the West will start Kobe Bryant (Lakers), Kevin Durant (Thunder), Kawhi Leonard (Spurs), Stephen Curry (Warriors), and Russel Westbrook (Thunder).

The one notably offensive inclusion, from a statistical standpoint, was Kobe Bryant. The Black Mamba is in the midst of his worst season, and is currently 40th in the league in points per game. That being said, it only seems right that Kobe finish his illustrious career on a high note. The fans thought so too, as Kobe led the ballot with 1,891,614 votes, even beating out reining league MVP, Stephen Curry.

Good Sport
Jordan Morris, a soccer standout at Stanford University and the first collegiate player to play on the U.S. National Team, has signed with the Sounders of the MLS in his hometown of Seattle. Morris was a highly-touted, All-American prospect that led Stanford to an NCAA National Championship, while winning the Hermann Award (like college football's "Heisman," awarded to the best player). After deciding to turn pro, Morris received a contract offer from German club SV Werder Bremen, but ultimately decided on the Sounders, where his father is chief medical director. It's a win for the MLS, who notoriously loses out on top talent to the richer and more "prestigious" European leagues. Sorry, Jerry, but this Yank is fighting for Uncle Sam. USA! USA! USA!

Bad Sport
New York Yankees pitcher Aroldis Chapman will not face charges for choking his girlfriend and firing off eight rounds with a handgun in his house during a "domestic incident." Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner backed the Chris Brown/Charlton Heston hybrid by trotting out the classic "innocent until proven guilty" line, a favorite for sports organizations that are protecting a clear-as-day scumbag.

Meanwhile, Maurizio Sarri, manager of S.S.C. Napoli (an Italian soccer club), received a €20,000 fine (50¢, relative to a normal person) and a two-match suspension for calling Inter Milan manager Roberto Mancini a “f*ggot.” Evidently, the Italian Soccer Federation is nearly as lax on slurs as Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner is on hiring women-beaters.

G.O.A.T. of the Week (What is G.O.A.T.?)
Patrick Kane. On Tuesday, the Chicago Blackhawks winger tied his career-high for goals scored in a season (30), and there's still over two months-worth of season left. He's also leading the NHL in goals scored, points (72), and his Blackhawks have the second-most wins in the NHL. In other words, he's having the best January of anyone besides the lucky bastards that won the Powerball.

Honorable Mention: New York Jets GM Mike Maccagnan, who won NFL executive of the year. We can't remember the last time anyone associated with the Jets won anything.

Goat of the Week (What's a Goat?)
Jonathan Drouin. The Tampa Bay Lightning's 20-year-old, third overall pick from the 2013 draft was suspended indefinitely after he didn't show up to a minor league hockey game. Drouin had been bitching and moaning for a trade ever since he was sent down to the minors, perfectly encapsulating the millennial "I want it now" mentality. We doubt the Lightning, or anyone else, will miss him. Bye, Felicia!

Quote of the Week
"Heard their whole team is good at giving low blows😜🏈"

New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski responded on Twitter to members of the Denver Broncos, who called Pats quarterback Tom Brady a "crybaby." Lol, it's a blow job joke. Get it?!

Honorable Mention: "Hey, Seahawks fans, I got a message: F*ck y'all, F*ck the Seahawks... Keep poundin', bitches." - Carolina Panthers linebacker Shaq Thomas expressing his feelings for the "12th man."

Good Old Caption Winner
"Up next at the winter Olympics, putting Tony Montana to shame."

Kudos to Newell Voress for the Scarface reference. We always appreciate a good coke joke here at Good Old Sport. Enjoy the pint glass, and have a great day!

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