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 We really hope we can grow gills. 

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The Year: 2024 (that’s in the future!)

Look, 2024 isn’t THAT far away, so why don’t we just wait instead of make the following list of projection-guesses? Well, smarty pants, we happen to have a 2024-expert on staff here at Bareknuckle. And while we have no F’n clue what 2025 will look like, we know A LOT about 2024.

    Resident Bareknuckle 2024-Expert Waxes Truth    
 

While there’s a ton of cool stuff (you’ve gotta see this stuff) in the year 2024, here’s a list of promises that still aren’t reality.

 

-Hoverboards*


 

Ever been having “fun,” first-date banter and the person across the table asks you questions like “Do you have any pet peeves?” Oh, that’s just the cutest. Here’s one: Broken hoverboard promises since, what, 1989? Here’s another one: Having to now listen to this person’s pet peeves and pretend to be entertained because, well, the bed can be a lonely place.

*Life-sized hoverboards, not this crap.

 

-Self-driving Cars*

If you’re like us, you spend your morning commute putting on lipstick, sluggin coffee, texting your cats, eating Subway breakfast wraps, flipping SiriusXM to and from Hair Nation and thinking, “there’s gotta be a better way to do more awesome things at 78 mph.” Well, in 2024 there still ain’t.

*Ones that don’t kill you, not this crap.

 

-COVID Vaccine Shots*

Sorry folks. Don’t shoot the messenger. Good news, we’re close to having a Kirkland-brand vaccine, so, fingers crossed, I love you. 

*Ones that don’t kill you.

 

-Spam Call Blockers 

If nostradami* refer to 2023 as “the year of the deadly protein bars” (they do), then consider 2024 “the year of the never-ending string of spam calls,” which all appear to originate from the spam-call center of the universe, Parhump, Nev.

*Pretty cool plural, eh?

 

-Smell-o-Vision

Nope. Thanks, “science.” 

  

                       Cool Stuff You Just Gotta See                        

Enough of the negative, man. Let’s have a sneak peek at some things that get (slightly) better in 2024. 

 

-Mars Rov-ette

Mrs. Perseverance is still doing her thang 33.9 million miles away. Big news: she’s got a boyfriend! Lame news: she’s no longer sending pics. 

 

-Can Openers

We finally found a way to get rid of those shitty manual can openers that have been breaking, snapping and rusting in our hands since the advent of packaged food … we got rid of cans! 

 

-A.I. Still Not Sentient, Shew!

OK, so we have artificially intelligent robots and we’re still dodging the bullet of them becoming sentient, but they are full-blown artificially emotional. Our office robot (NOT a sex robot, Kevin) now writes poems. If you’re like literally every other non-8th-grade-girl human on earth, you know poetry sucks. Even “poets” hate poetry. 

 

-Tesla Trucks!

Now hold on, we’re not allowed to drive them yet. Tesla is still releasing teaser photos of its Mine-craft-looking trucks, but they still haven’t made them available for purchase. 

 

-Robots Love Us, Dogs Indifferent

Remember that contraption made famous for letting pet owners watch their dog through a camera while also remotely feeding Rosco a treat? Well dogs love them more than real people now. In related future-news, there’s a remote-operated milk-squirting robot made for kids in beta.

 

-Netflix Reboots Still Cool

Yes, Fuller House got cancelled, but it was replaced by season 3 of This Damn House Has Been Filled for Years, which is filmed in space. 

You probably lost 10 IQ points after reading this Jab. Earn them back:

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Future Quote of the Month

“This year is pretty sweet.”

~Keith Richards in 2024 shortly after his afternoon surfing, practicing cross fit and smoking cigs 

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