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Some of the “Facts” in the Jab were researched.

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You’ve Got a Lot of Nerve (7 Trillion to be Precise)


The world seems a little fact-less these days. So, as usual, the writers of the Jab are going to step up to the challenge, make things right, and save the planet. We’ve compiled a list of headscratchers you didn’t know you didn’t need to know. Alas, suck on these red-blooded, all-American, salt-of-the-earth facts that’ll have any Joe Sixpack sounding smart and impressive at all the cocktail parties that aren’t going on right now.

 

FACT: Fire Water

Did you know Pyramid Lake has the equivalent of 452 TRILLION bathtubs full of water, and if you drained Pyramid Lake there'd be no reason to visit Pyramid Lake.



FACT: What We Lack in Nerve...

If you took all the nerves in the human body and laid them end to end, someone is going to be missing all their nerves. 



FACT: ...We Make Up For In Guts

During the World War 1, General Jack Majorton earned the nickname “Big Guts” after a week-long, bloody hand-to-hand battle … for it was directly after this battle he was overheard telling his wife “no.”



FACT: Photo Evidence

It’s long been accepted that Mt. Everest is the tallest object in the world. However, tourist Roger Felton shattered this reality when he posted this photo, which clearly shows HE is the tallest object in the world. 

*Roger is now heralded as a photojournalist, which used to be a real title, but now it just refers to anyone with an iPhone. (Samsung Galaxy users, on the other hand, simply earn the title, “poor.”)


FACT: Pyromaniac Porn
Earlier this month KISS set a Guinness World Record for the most flame projections launched simultaneously (73). The event was live-streamed and launched a new generation of pyromaniac 12 year olds.



FACT: You're a Commie if You Don't
Spell “Russia” backwards and see what you get. Crazy right? Tip of the cap to fellow conspiracy theorists. 


RUSSIA = ???

 

FACT: Civil War Celebrities
This month, the last remaining widow of a Civil War soldier died. Give that some brain space; we’re not talking World War I (or II), not talking Vietnam, we’re talking the CIVIL WAR, which ended in 1865. If you’re brain is spinning to remember elementary mathematics, yes, there was a time when a 93-year-old war vet could marry a 17-year-old school girl and everything was coo’ baby. 

You probably lost 10 IQ points after reading this Jab. Earn them back:

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Factual Quote of the Month

 “Hegel remarks somewhere that all great, world-historical facts and personages occur, as it were, twice. He has forgotten to add: the first time as tragedy, the second as farce.”

-Probably some Communist

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