Get Off Your Phone … It’s 2021

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Online Dating: Holding Over Humans Until Robo-Mates Are Mass Produced 


Everyone is now familiar with the slew of niche dating sites helping to narrow the target audience--think Farmers Only, Christian Mingle or Fall-in-Love-in-a-Drainage-Ditch. These numerous sites and apps help provide you with an online community of people that will tickle your fancy--people who hopefully aren’t creeps or catfishes (there’s even an app that helps you avoid people with names you don’t want to be associated with, like Kyle Robertson, ick). In this arousing edition of The Jab, find the nichey-niche-niche dating site that will at least help you delay digging out your old Lita Ford poster and marrying it.



The online dating site for side-sleepers. Must be average height. Must NOT have bulbous hips or protruding backbones. Note from the makers of Spoon: This is not a site for finding a side piece or a side gig or a side hustle, it’s for people who sleep in comparable side-sleeping positions.

(Bareknuckle Rating: A Bit Sleepy and Pokey)


The first dating site for Naughty Craft Makers (FINALLY!). 

(Bareknuckle Rating: OMG, There’s Hardening Clay Literally EVERYWHERE)

Car Swing

Having been around since the early 1900s, this dating app has had time to get it right. But, don’t be fooled, if you are reading this, you are not a car. Car Swing is exclusively for cars searching for their owners, hence their tagline: Car Swing, for swinging cars that want to swing with car owners.

(Bareknuckle Rating: Go Ahead Car, Bump-Her-Sticker)

Used to be in a cult and have literally been dying to date someone with cult stories as cool as yours? Well you have reached your gate to heaven, aka Heaven’s Gate, aka

You’ll have PLENTY of “man-those-were-some-crazy-times” conversations on your first/last date. You’ll know you found your person when the waiter asks if they can bring you anything to drink and you both shout “KOOLAID!”

(Bareknuckle Rating: Physically Tie Down That Scientologist You’ve Been Vision-Boarding!)



Persistent Pandemic

Introverted homebodies interested in a pandemic that never ends.

(Bareknuckle Rating: Hated it.)



A dating app that lets you leave your Christmas Tree up through April, and way beyond. 

Is your favorite band Christmas Music? Think it’s cute and silly to wear an ugly sweater on ZOOM video dates? Have a tribal arm-wrap tattoo designed as Christmas Lights? Well we hope you never find this app. Go to hell. 

(Bareknuckle Rating: These are the Real Idiots Keeping the Pandemic Persistent)



From the Creators of Sizzl, Sizzle is an app for folks obsessed with bacon. Unlike Sizzl, Sizzle is fake … because this “show me how obsessed you are with bacon B.S.'' is getting old. It’s fine to like bacon, but if you love bacon, why don’t you marry it? With Sizzl (Oscar-Mayers stupid pre-verion of Sizzle), you can.

(Bareknuckle Rating: Hot & Fatty)

You’re nuts, you know it. Date another crazy person. On your first date you can just order butter as your entree and talk about your favorite documentary: Fingernails, A Collector’s Guide

(Bareknuckle Rating: As Advertised. No Surprises Here.)



The dating site that’ll make you tick! 

Habitually check for new messages, quadruple check in with your OCMate to see if the date is still on, and remind them to tap the restaurant’s doorknob 167 times before entering so you know it’s really them. 

(Bareknuckle Rating: There are 3,367 Letter-Characters in this Jab … Count Yourself!)

You probably lost 10 IQ points after reading this Jab. Earn them back:

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Date Quote of the Month

 I just want to date someone who doesn’t murder me, successfully (I’ll even take someone who attempts at this point).

-Popular Dating Sentiment

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