Yesterday I ran into the maintenance man who works across the street at the apartment complex where I used to live. Frank and I have known each other right around 6 years, and chat a bit now and then. We talked for a couple of minutes and he asked how I was.
I told him I was doing good, “real good,” and I actually meant it.
He said, “Well, keep doing what you’re doing… You look younger.”
In light of what I’ve been writing about this week, you’d think what he said would have made me happy. Instead, it made me feel a little like shit. Because what it implied is that, the last time he saw me, I looked older, confirming what I’ve been seeing in myself the past year or so.
Plus, when I saw him yesterday, we held our entire conversation from within our cars. So he couldn’t really see me that well anyway (i.e., maybe I looked pretty much the same as the last time we spoke in better lighting).
Then there is this interpretation of what happened yesterday, which I much prefer:
Last year was a stressful one. It's eased up lately; naturally that's going to show. And what one person calls younger another calls rested or good.
Plus, as much as I would have liked for Frank to have said, “You look good,” I’m the one who set the terms. All week long I’ve been thinking about and writing on how I don’t look young anymore. The universe heard this and responded accordingly. At least it was complimentary.
Still, any way you look at it, I hate that this matters to me so much. I don’t know how to stop it, though, any more than I do the aging process.
What I’d love to do instead is accept what’s happening to my body and see it as a new stage of beautiful. That’s what I tried to work through in this week’s posts. If you haven’t had a chance to check them out, here they are:
Trusting Him With What I Really Look Like
I Don’t Look Young Anymore: Worry Journal Exercise
Everything Feels More Alive: Guided Meditation (5 Minutes)
Where does all of this sit with you? Are you going through it too? Not there yet? Over it long ago?
If any thoughts or advice come to mind, I hope you’ll share it – in the comments on the blog, via social media, or in reply to this email just between you and me.
Wishing you a lovely weekend,
P.S. So far, I’ve been writing three types of posts for the website – essays, worry journal exercises, and guided meditations. Well, I’m ready to add some new things into the mix. Look for them next week!